- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Hey, Laverne. What'd you give me if I get this jelly bean into your cleavage?
- Nurse Laverne Roberts: A concussion.
- Elliot: [on the phone] I can't believe you've been in New Zealand for 5 months.
- Sean Kelly: I... I can't believe you still haven't figured out the time difference; it's 4am here.
- Bratty Kid: Why are your pants tight? Clowns are supposed to wear pants that are baggy.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Because, Brad, I'm the kind of clown that likes to wear tight pants.
- Bratty Kid: The other clown wears baggy pants
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: What other clown?
- The Janitor: [Children point to where Janitor is standing] Hello, old friend.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Janitor.
- Lonnie: Mr Miller passed away and I thought that since I'm kind of new of this, you could notify his family.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: What, you steal my research project and now you want me to do your dirty work?
- Lonnie: Dr Cox said if you said that to say that's right, Melinda.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: I think what angry disturbed clown is trying to teach us is it's never okay to push other people over.
- The Janitor: [Pushes J.D over as all the children laugh]
- Dr. Miller: Why are you smiling?
- Dr. Perry Cox: I'm just glad you finally ended up on my side of the camp.
- Dr. Miller: I'm an adult, I don't go to camp. Listen, if Dr Kelso was going to take me somewhere which was actually going to help my career, I'd be gone so fast you'd be left here staring at an imaginary woman's chest.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, I'm sorry. That dress your wearing just screams respect me as a doctor.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Position one, two or three?
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: We only had two positions.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh. Well, I've got something to show you later.
- Elliot: Guys! Three long years of busting my hump at this place and it has finally paid off!
- J.D.: You got the fellowship?
- Elliot: No! I get to be the clown in Pediatrics!
- Carla: Heeeey! That old clown was really good. So, uh, you got some really big shoes to fill!
- [she laughs, but everyone else just looks at her blankly]
- Carla: Dammit, I'm funny!
- Dr. Perry Cox: [to J.D] Ah, don't bother with that, Trish. You know, I've been getting my hair cut by my barber, Big Frank, for seventeen years now. Is it because his prices remained the same? No. Is it because I like the way his man-breasts feel gently resting on my shoulders when he does my sideburns?... A little, yes. But, mainly, it's because, unlike you, he does just exactly what I tell him
- [flips hair]
- Dr. Perry Cox: to do. You see, it's my way or the highway, and since you've already broken that dictum --
- [claps and whistles]
- Dr. Perry Cox: -- you're out!
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Hey, research buddy!
- Dr. Perry Cox: We're four seconds in and I'm already regretting my decision.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [J.D. slaps the bell on the desk] Things Jordan says during sex! Ha!
- Dr. Perry Cox: Are those the charts I wanted?
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Noooo. They're the charts you wanted, plus! Patient history charts from the last ten years, which yours truly stayed up all night organizing not only chronologically but by severity of condition.
- [He attempts to set the stack on the desk, but the files spill all over the floor]
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: There's a good chance I'm gonna kill someone.
- Dr. Perry Cox: [Dr. Cox dings the bell] Things you say when you talk to your patients.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: [after the beautiful Mrs. Bell's homely husband leaves] Ummm... . Mrs. Bell, uh...
- Mrs. Bell: How'd I end up with him?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Yes. See, I've got this boyfriend, except he's all the way in New Zealand and... well... how did you know that Mr. Bell was the right guy for you?
- Mrs. Bell: Kurt was the one that was always there for me. And at the end of the day, that's who you want -- the guy who shows up when you need him, without having to ask.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [after JD and Elliot hook up] Look, Elliot, I don't want to jinx this, but, how did that just happen?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: You were a clown for me. You were there when I needed you without me even having to ask.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian, Dr. Elliot Reid: [They lean for a kiss, but are interrupted by Sean opening the door] Sean?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, my God! When did you get back from New Zealand?
- Sean Kelly: Something in your voice told me that you needed me. So I just... I decided to show up, even though you didn't even ask.