- George W. Bush: Excuse me, Uncle Dick, I was wondering, since technically I am President, if I can keep this dog I found in the family parking lot? My cabinet and I have decided to name him Awesome Dude.
- Toshi Taguda: I thought the Shark Head Nachos were delightful. It made me feel American, like I was a man with blue eyes, kissing a girl with a big ass.
- [during monologue]
- Audience Member: Yeah, I saw that garbage man movie you made with your brother.
- Charlie Sheen: You mean "Men At Work".
- Audience Member: You tell me. Did you make another garbage man movie with your brother?
- Yoko Akino: This pizza is so enticing and aggressive. It reminds me of my hit song "Blue Jeans On Fire."
- [sings]
- Yoko Akino: "Blue jeans on fire. Chevrolet Elvis. Blue jeans on fire. New York, let's go!"
- [giggles]