Quotes
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Dan : [to the father of a kid who was beating up D.J. at school] Whoa! Settle down or I'll give my wife a donut to kick your butt!
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Dan : Roseanne, what's going on here? Who are all those girls?
Roseanne Conner : Why, they're ours, dearest! Don't you remember?
Dan : My God! How long have I been asleep?
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Dan : Well, Honey, I *am* the professional in the family.
Roseanne Conner : Oh, right. I forgot about your Masters in drywalling.
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Suzy : Excuse me. What kind of salad dressing would you like, Mr. Conner?
Dan : I don't know. Nobody's ever asked me that before.
Roseanne Conner : Oh, you're just confusing him now, Suzy. Orange or red, Dan?
Dan : Oh. Orange.
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Dan : Kid's a genius!
Roseanne Conner : He's an extortionist! So, what now? I'm buying Twinkies for Maxine instead of Kevin?
D.J. Conner : No. I told Kevin I'd call Maxine off if he gives me two Twinkies every day. Then, I give one to Maxine and eat the other one. Doesn't cost you anything.
Roseanne Conner : He is a genius!
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Jackie Harris : [Jackie tries to put a sleeper hold on Dan] If you start to black out, tap me twice.
Dan : [unaffected, Dan goes to the fridge] You want a beer, Jack?
