Roseanne (TV Series)

Don't Make Me Over (1992)

John Goodman: Dan Conner

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dan : [coming back from a road trip on his Harley with D.J]  Big day for you, Deege. Learned how to shoot pool. You bowled your own weight. Found out you gotta spit sideways when you're riding on a motorcycle. Sure beats TV, huh?

• Dan : [the girls bought Roseanne a make-over on Mothers' Day in hopes she would let them go to a concert unchaperoned. Roseanne discovered their plan and was very saddened]  First of all, let's just say that, you going away for a weekend to a rock concert with the nearest adult five hours away, that was never gonna happen, no matter how you sucked up.

  Becky : [in apathy]  Well, it's unanimous.

  Darlene : [sarcastically]  Yeah, I guess that about wraps it up.

  Dan : I don't think so.

  Becky : Okay, we'll apologize to her before she, like, explodes.

  [Darlene snickers] 

  Dan : She's not gonna 'like, explode'; she's too busy crying her eyes out.

  [the girls pause at this] 

  Dan : I'm the one you gotta worry about, 'cause I'm VERY angry, and I don't like you very much right now.

  Becky : [uncaringly]  Oh, so now we're all supposed to apologize to you?

  Dan : Shut up!

  [to Darlene] 

  Dan : So I don't have to say it again in a minute, you shut up, too! Now you guys just don't get it. You see, she thought you were actually going to do something nice for her, you know, like you cared. And that would've been the very best thing you could've done for her today, and you just ruined it.

  Darlene : Well, what should we do?

  Dan : You're gonna make it up to her.

  Becky : [solemnly]  Alright, we'll think of something.

  Dan : No, no, you had your chance... now it's my turn.

  [Dan leaves as Becky and Darlene go silent] 

• Roseanne Conner : I got a call from D.J.'s school today because he hasn't turned in any math assignments for 2 whole weeks.

  Dan : Why not?

  Roseanne Conner : Well he's had a lot of extra responsibility around here since you died.

  Dan : [pause]  Did I suffer?

  Roseanne Conner : No, a sniper shot you.

  D.J. Conner : I said I was sorry!

  Roseanne Conner : Ever since he got that video game all he's been doing is goofing off.

• Dan : We're going out to eat.

  Roseanne Conner : No, I don't want to go out with those girls, I just want to eat and go to bed.

  Dan : They're not coming, they're going to stay here. I'm punishing them, and eating my chili's just the beginning of the punishment.

  Roseanne Conner : ...But they hate ME, right?

  Dan : Nope, that's the beauty of it, they hate ME. It's my Mother's Day present for you. Now go get dressed.

  Roseanne Conner : Oh this is great! This is way better than some dumb robe.

• Dan : [sees Becky and Darlene's spa hairdos]  My God, it's the Shirelles!

  Becky : Who?

  Darlene : Disco.

• Dan : [to DJ]  I want to talk to your Mum a second, go bug your sisters.

  Roseanne Conner : [upset]  Use real bugs.

• Dan : [sees Roseanne's spa hairdo]  My God! I'm having a flashback, prom night 1969, and all these years later your hair is still just as wide!

  Roseanne Conner : Don't touch it, Dan, you'll dent it.

• Dan : Keep stirring, Deej.

  D.J. Conner : But my arm's getting sore.

  Dan : If you don't keep stirring it, it won't be chili.

  D.J. Conner : I don't even like chili.

  Dan : Well you like science, right?

  D.J. Conner : [shrugs]  So?

  Dan : Chili represents your three forms of matter: solid, liquid, and eventually, gas.