Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Tikka to Ride (1997)

Robert Llewellyn: Kryten

Photos 

Quotes 

• Kryten : The Time Drive has frozen.

  Rimmer : Let me see.

  [Rimmer takes the Time Drive and gives it a cursory examination] 

  Rimmer : Do you think it's because the sub-space conduits have locked with the transponder calibrations and caused a major tachyon surge that has overloaded the time matrix?

  Kryten : Ah, no, sir; I've just been jabbing it too hard.

• [Lister has just removed Kryten's guilt chip] 

  Kryten : My guilt chip... No behaviour protocols... Just call me badass!

• Kryten : Causality? Well, OK, you know, one event causes another, OK, but sometimes, you just gotta say, the laws of time and space? Who gives a smeg?

• Lister : I'm just describing how Starbug survived despite the time lines being erased, so now this reality's unstable, and anomalies have formed to cope with the paradox.

  Kryten : Oh, garbled, confusing, and quite frankly duller than an in-flight magazine produced by Air Belgium!

• [the Dwarfers, while time traveling, inadvertently knock the gunman out of the Texas School Book Depository window during the JFK assassination] 

  Lister : Hey, what's going on down there? What're all those people doing gathered around that giant pizza?

  Kryten : That is *not* a giant pizza, sir.

  Lister : It's 8 foot across, man - you don't think that's giant? What kind of pizza house have you been going to? The Fat-Bastard-o-ria?

• The Cat : You guys said Kennedy was a great prez!

  Kryten : He was!

  Rimmer : He was also an inveterate womanizer, his affairs were legendary, they never came out while he was alive.

  Kryten : Every man has his weak spot, his Achilles heel.

  Rimmer : And Kennedy's was just... higher up.

• Rimmer : And you thought causality didn't matter? Every action we take has trillions of implications, how come you forgot that?

  Kryten : I haven't forgotten, sir, I just didn't care, I've got no guilt.

  Lister : Ah. I nicked Kryten's body, that's spare head 2, and I removed his guilt chip.

  Rimmer : *You* have altered the course of civilization from the 20th century onwards. You've brought the world to the brink of nuclear war, and worst of all...

  Lister : I know, I know, I still haven't had a curry!

• [extended version] 

  Lister : It's nothing to you guys, is it? Curries are my life!

  [pause] 

  Lister : Gosh some of the nights. I remember once on planet leave on Orion. I drank a yard of Vindaloo sauce, right out of one of those long glass tubes, then went out on the pool. It was a bet.

  Kryten : It is impossible for mechanoids to vomit, sir. I believe it is safe for you to continue

  Lister : There was this club: "The Crazy Astro". I started dancin' with this space girl there. She couldn't hear in there.

  Rimmer : Fido was it? Lassie possibly?

  Lister : She was very attractive actually, Rimmer: very short skirt, little ankle bracelet. Took our her chewing gun before she ate her chicken in the basket. You know, class. All right, she had teeth that looked like six half open garage doors, but it was nothing a cosmetic surgeon couldn't fix in ten minutes

  The Cat : So what happened?

  Lister : I went over to her, leant in close, asked her to dance. For a few seconds she didn't answer.

  The Cat : She was probably concussed. A yard of Vindaloo sauce? You must've had breath that could shear sheep.

  Lister : We started to snuggle up...

  Kryten : Hmm... I'm not sure I want to hear any more of this.

  Lister : Then all of a sudden, a rumbling in me stomach. All I can remember is runnin'... across the dance floor... through the crowd... just made it.

  The Cat : So, you didn't get off with her?

  Lister : The only thing *I* got off was the loo about six hours later. When I got back to the dance floor, everyone was gone. They had to wait for me, to lock the club. Huh! Nearly put me off curries for life. In fact, I didn't have another one until the following night.

  Rimmer : What an *enchanting* little tale! Well if you'll excuse me, I'm just off to glub a couple of yards of vindy sauce. Then, if we *do* happen to chance across 'Planet of the Snooty Sex Sirens', I can't miss.

• Spare Head 2 : [finding himself on Kryten's body]  My heavens - I'm head head!

  Lister : Shhhhh! It's only temporary.

  Spare Head 2 : [softly]  I don't understand.

  Lister : Look, I want to go back in time on a curry hunt. Kryten said "no way", what do *you* say?

  Spare Head 2 : I can't go behind Kryten's head, what would he say if he found out? It's deceitful, wrong, and dishonest.

  [he pauses, glances around conspiratorially] 

  Spare Head 2 : I'm in! Those are emotions I've *longed* to experience!

• Cat : Chicken's good.

  Lister : Yeah, it's really good.

  Kryten : That's not chicken sirs.

  Cat : What is it?

  Kryten : It's that man we found.

• Lister : Kryten... what have I done man?

  Kryten : Well, you've brought the 20th century to the very brink of extinction, sir. Gum?

• Cat : So am I right in thinking there's a chance I could get a major nuclear explosion all over this suit? Because I'm telling you guys, that stuff does *not* dry clean.

  Rimmer : Back to Starbug.

  Kryten : Starbug isn't there, it doesn't exist.

  Rimmer : How come?

  Kryten : Best guess: Kennedy's impeachment traumatized the American nation, allowing the U.S.S.R to win the space race. In this reality, it was probably the Russians who were the first to land on the moon.

  Cat : So we're marooned?

  Lister : How was I to know a chicken vindaloo was gonna cause all this?

• Lister : [Extended version]  How can the same guy be an icon in one reality and a criminal in the next, for doing exactly the same things?

  Rimmer : In one reality he wasn't caught.

  Lister : But was he a good guy or was he not a good guy?

  Rimmer : Both.

  Kryten : Somewhere along the way, just like me he discarded his behavior protocols and disabled his guilt chip: power corrupts.

  Lister : Is that true, Kryten? Can you be two things simultaneously?

  Kryten : Take you, sir. In some ways you're bright, sensitive and caring. And in other ways you're an irresponsible, curry-obsessed moron.

  Lister : Thanks, Kryts, that's... wow, yeah.