Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Tikka to Ride (1997)

Chris Barrie: Rimmer

Photos 

Quotes 

• Kryten : The Time Drive has frozen.

  Rimmer : Let me see.

  [Rimmer takes the Time Drive and gives it a cursory examination] 

  Rimmer : Do you think it's because the sub-space conduits have locked with the transponder calibrations and caused a major tachyon surge that has overloaded the time matrix?

  Kryten : Ah, no, sir; I've just been jabbing it too hard.

• Lister : You know the news? All the curry supplies have been destroyed.

  [Cat and Rimmer point to black arm bands they are wearing] 

  The Cat , Rimmer : We heard!

  Rimmer : As a mark of respect, I though on Sunday at 12:00 we could have a minute's flatulence

• Lister : Dallas? Wasn't that the place where that American king got assassinated?

  Rimmer : JFK?

  Lister : No. It was John something, not "Jeff Kay"!

  Rimmer : JAY-F-K! Not Jeff Kay, you gimboid... like the airport! I did a paper on him at school.

  Lister : I wonder why anybody would want to name their kid after an airport...

  Rimmer : The airport was named after the President!

  Lister : Alright!

• Lister : I am a total twonk! How could I have been such a saliva-dribbling, moronic, brain-frozen, putzie little smegger.

  Rimmer : It's good, that book on self-enlightenment, isn't it.

• The Cat : You guys said Kennedy was a great prez!

  Kryten : He was!

  Rimmer : He was also an inveterate womanizer, his affairs were legendary, they never came out while he was alive.

  Kryten : Every man has his weak spot, his Achilles heel.

  Rimmer : And Kennedy's was just... higher up.

• Rimmer : And you thought causality didn't matter? Every action we take has trillions of implications, how come you forgot that?

  Kryten : I haven't forgotten, sir, I just didn't care, I've got no guilt.

  Lister : Ah. I nicked Kryten's body, that's spare head 2, and I removed his guilt chip.

  Rimmer : *You* have altered the course of civilization from the 20th century onwards. You've brought the world to the brink of nuclear war, and worst of all...

  Lister : I know, I know, I still haven't had a curry!

• [extended version] 

  Lister : It's nothing to you guys, is it? Curries are my life!

  [pause] 

  Lister : Gosh some of the nights. I remember once on planet leave on Orion. I drank a yard of Vindaloo sauce, right out of one of those long glass tubes, then went out on the pool. It was a bet.

  Kryten : It is impossible for mechanoids to vomit, sir. I believe it is safe for you to continue

  Lister : There was this club: "The Crazy Astro". I started dancin' with this space girl there. She couldn't hear in there.

  Rimmer : Fido was it? Lassie possibly?

  Lister : She was very attractive actually, Rimmer: very short skirt, little ankle bracelet. Took our her chewing gun before she ate her chicken in the basket. You know, class. All right, she had teeth that looked like six half open garage doors, but it was nothing a cosmetic surgeon couldn't fix in ten minutes

  The Cat : So what happened?

  Lister : I went over to her, leant in close, asked her to dance. For a few seconds she didn't answer.

  The Cat : She was probably concussed. A yard of Vindaloo sauce? You must've had breath that could shear sheep.

  Lister : We started to snuggle up...

  Kryten : Hmm... I'm not sure I want to hear any more of this.

  Lister : Then all of a sudden, a rumbling in me stomach. All I can remember is runnin'... across the dance floor... through the crowd... just made it.

  The Cat : So, you didn't get off with her?

  Lister : The only thing *I* got off was the loo about six hours later. When I got back to the dance floor, everyone was gone. They had to wait for me, to lock the club. Huh! Nearly put me off curries for life. In fact, I didn't have another one until the following night.

  Rimmer : What an *enchanting* little tale! Well if you'll excuse me, I'm just off to glub a couple of yards of vindy sauce. Then, if we *do* happen to chance across 'Planet of the Snooty Sex Sirens', I can't miss.

• Rimmer : Nice landing Kryten. That was about as smooth as Egyptian whiskey.

• Cat : So am I right in thinking there's a chance I could get a major nuclear explosion all over this suit? Because I'm telling you guys, that stuff does *not* dry clean.

  Rimmer : Back to Starbug.

  Kryten : Starbug isn't there, it doesn't exist.

  Rimmer : How come?

  Kryten : Best guess: Kennedy's impeachment traumatized the American nation, allowing the U.S.S.R to win the space race. In this reality, it was probably the Russians who were the first to land on the moon.

  Cat : So we're marooned?

  Lister : How was I to know a chicken vindaloo was gonna cause all this?

• Lister : [Extended version]  How can the same guy be an icon in one reality and a criminal in the next, for doing exactly the same things?

  Rimmer : In one reality he wasn't caught.

  Lister : But was he a good guy or was he not a good guy?

  Rimmer : Both.

  Kryten : Somewhere along the way, just like me he discarded his behavior protocols and disabled his guilt chip: power corrupts.

  Lister : Is that true, Kryten? Can you be two things simultaneously?

  Kryten : Take you, sir. In some ways you're bright, sensitive and caring. And in other ways you're an irresponsible, curry-obsessed moron.

  Lister : Thanks, Kryts, that's... wow, yeah.