- Rimmer: I'm disciplined, I'm organized, I'm dedicated to my career, I've always got a pen. Result? Total smeghead despised by everyone except the ship's parrot. And that's only because we haven't got one. Why? Why is that?
- [Rimmer is drunk and determined to reveal how many times he's had sex]
- Rimmer: Once.
- Lister: Smeg.
- Rimmer: One time only.
- Lister: [Covers his ears] Don't tell me this Rimmer. You'll want to kill yourself in the mornin'.
- Rimmer: Yvonne McGruder. A single brief liaison with the ships female boxing champion. March 16, 7.31p.m to 7.43p.m.
- Lister: Please.
- Rimmer: Twelve minutes.
- Lister: Please.
- Rimmer: And that includes the time it took to eat the pizza.
- Lister: Please Rimmer.
- Rimmer: In my entire life, I've spent more time being sick.
- Rimmer: [very drunk] I can't understand it. I've had so much to drink and it hasn't even afflicted me.
- [the crew are celebrating the anniversary of Rimmer's death]
- Lister: And for this very special occasion, I have baked a cake.
- Holly: What's that, then?
- Lister: It's shaped like a spanner, Holly, because he was a technician.
- Holly: That's very apt, that is. If he'd have been a postman, you would have baked it in the shape of an envelope, I suppose?
- Lister: Yeah.
- Holly: Gordon Bennet. It's lucky he's not a gynecologist.
- Rimmer: [dramatically] Somehow we've lost the last four days.
- The Cat: Did you look behind the fridge? If you lose something it's nearly always there.
- Rimmer: Aliens!
- Lister: What?
- The Cat: What are you talking about, grease stain?
- Rimmer: It's a well documented phenomenon. They kidnap you, give you a mind probe, erase your memory, and put you back.
- Lister: OK, aliens came aboard.
- Rimmer: Without question.
- Lister: They broke my leg.
- Rimmer: For some reason.
- The Cat: They broke MY leg.
- Rimmer: Right.
- Holly: And then they did a jigsaw.
- Rimmer: Right.
- Holly: Well, that's cleared that up then.
- Rimmer: Look, you're not thinking alien. That's what aliens are: alien. They do alien things. Things that are... alien. Maybe this is the way they communicate.
- The Cat: By breaking legs?
- Lister: And doing jigsaws?
- Rimmer: Why should they speak the way we do? They're aliens.
- Lister: OK, professor, what does it mean?
- Rimmer: Maybe, maybe, OK? Breaking your leg hurts like hell, OK? "Hel." They do it below the knee, "lo." "Hel-lo," gettit? They do it twice - twice, "two." "Hello two." And the jigsaw must mean "you." "Hello to you."
- [pause]
- The Cat: I wouldn't like to be around when one of these suckers is making a speech!
- [Cat limps away]
- Rimmer: So, a surfboard-foot-sized monster came aboard, did a jigsaw, drained our memories and broke a couple of legs, so what? Forgive and forget, that's what I say!
- [Rimmer is drunk]
- Rimmer: I want a triple fried egg sandwich with...
- Lister: With chili sauce and chutney.
- Holly: You what?
- Lister: It's a state-of-the-art sarnie.
- Holly: It's the state of the floor I'm worried about. All right, okay.
- [the sarnie appears in Rimmer's hand]
- Lister: Trust me.
- [several conflicting emotions cross Rimmer's face]
- Rimmer: I think I'm having a baby.
- Lister: It's good, innit?
- Rimmer: It's incredible. Where did you get the recipe?
- Lister: I can't remember. I think it was a book on bacteriological warfare.
- Rimmer: It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery.
- Holly: Supplies are plentiful. We have enough food and drink to last 30,000 years, although we have run out of Shake 'n' Vac.
- Holly: Look, there's a perfectly logical explanation for everything, with the possible exception of little Jimmy Osmond.