Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Quarantine (1992)

Chris Barrie: Rimmer

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rimmer : If there's one thing I can't stand... it's crazy people.

  Lister : Well, we've passed the test, Rimmer. You can let us out.

  Rimmer : I can't let you out.

  Lister : Why not?

  Rimmer : Because the king of the potato people won't let me. I begged him. I got down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you here... keep you here for 10 years.

  The Cat : Could we see him?

  Rimmer : See who?

  The Cat : The king.

  Rimmer : Do you have a magic carpet?

  Lister : Yeah. A little three-seater.

  Rimmer : So let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet, to see the king of the potato people... and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you're completely sane?

• Rimmer : Mr. Flibble's very cross. You shouldn't have run away from him. What we going to do with them, Mr. Flibble?

  [Mr. Flibble, a penguin glove puppet on Rimmer's hand, whispers in Rimmer's ear. Rimmer looks shocked] 

  Rimmer : We couldn't possibly do that. Who'd clear up the mess?

• Dr. Hildegard Lanstrom : [over the radio]  I have a riddle for you. What's dead and dead and dead all over?

  Rimmer : Give in, Doctor Fruit Loop. Do tell me.

  Dr. Hildegard Lanstrom : Yooooooooouuuuuuu!

  [the radio blows up] 

  Rimmer : Well, we know what to get you for Christmas, a double lobotomy and ten rolls of rubber wallpaper.

• [Rimmer has put the guys in a small room for three months quarantine] 

  Kryten : What about entertainment? You are obliged to provide us with minimum leisure facilities. Games, literature, hobby activities, motion pictures.

  Rimmer : [With great smugness]  And in accordance with Space Corps directive 312, you'll find in the storage cupboard over there a chess set with thirty-one missing pieces, a knitting magazine with a pull-out special on crocheted hats, a puzzle magazine with all the crosswords completed and a video of the excellent cinematic treat, "Wall-papering, Painting, and Stippling - a DIY guide".

• Rimmer : [has gone mad due to the holovirus]  I think that warrants two hours... of W.O.O.

  Lister : What's W.O.O?

  The Cat : You had to ask.

  Rimmer : With... out... oxygen. No oxygen for two hours. That'll teach you to be bread baskets.

• [Rimmer has sealed the rest of the crew in quarantine for 3 months and is taking great delight in psychologically torturing them by providing only minimal leisure facilities] 

  Rimmer : Now must dasherooni. I've got to go and prepare your daily musical entertainment. I think you'll like it. It's a perpetually looped tape of "Reggie Dixon's Tango Treats".

• Rimmer : I was just doing a little test... a little test to see if you'd all gone crazy...

  [he suddenly makes a demented honking noise] 

  Rimmer : If there's one thing I can't stand... . it's crazy people.

• Rimmer : Is something amiss?

  Lister : Amiss? God, no. What could possibly be amiss?

  Rimmer : You don't think there's anything amiss? I'm sitting here wearing a red and white checked gingham dress... and army boots... and you think that's un-amiss?

• Rimmer : Mr. Flibble says...

  Rimmer : [as Mr. Flibble]  Game over, boys.

• Rimmer : They've been naughty boys, haven't they, Mr. Flibble?

  Rimmer : [as Mr. Flibble, his penguin glove puppet]  Yes.

  Rimmer : [as himself]  What happens to naughty boys who've been naughty, Mr. Flibble?

  Rimmer : [as Mr. Flibble]  Uncle Arnie fries them alive with his hex-vision.

  Rimmer : [as himself]  That's right, Mr. Flibble.

  [Rimmer's eyes glow red and they zap lightning bolts at Lister, Cat and Kryten] 

• Rimmer : [from outside the quarantine suite]  Gentleman. Your conversation makes interesting listening.

  [the others look at the viewing window but it's dark and they can't see anyone] 

  Lister : Rimmer, is that you?

  Rimmer : Oh, yes.

  Lister : How long have you been listening?

  Rimmer : Two, maybe three hours.

  Lister : Well, no one's got any disease, man.

  The Cat : We're clean.

  Kryten : You have to re-screen us, sir, as per directive 699.

  Lister : No one's got any virus and no one's smegging nuts!

  [a light comes on to reveal Rimmer, wearing a big red and white checked gingham frock and pigtails. He looks like a pantomime dame] 

  Rimmer : Well, that's good.

• Dr. Hildegard Lanstrom : [over the radio]  Hello, my name is Dr. Hildegard Lanstrom, and I am quite, quite mad.

  Rimmer : Are you really, how absolutely splendid!

• Rimmer : Wait a minute, I am in charge of security and surveillance aboard this vessel. I, mister Kryten, am the one who says "Launch scouter".

  Kryten : I'm sorry sir, I didn't mean to steal your thunder.

  Rimmer : Launch scouter.

  [Cat and Lister ignore him] 

  Rimmer : Launch... scouter.

  [silence again] 

  Rimmer : ...I'll be in the stern, correlating the er... in the stern.

  [leaves] 

• Rimmer : This vessel, gentlemen, and khazi-droids - the crimson short one up there - can only sustain one hologram. Or had you forgotten?

  [they look at him in silence] 

  Rimmer : You hadn't forgotten?

  Lister : Look, we'll work out something out, some kind of timeshare thing.

  Rimmer : What do you think I am, a holiday villa in the Algarve?

• Rimmer : Welcome to quarantine, lads. I hope the next 84 days pass as swiftly and as pleasantly as the Hundred Years War.

• Rimmer : I have no intention of catching the hologram equivalent of foaming dog fever.