Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Psirens (1993)

Robert Llewellyn: Kryten

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rimmer : Some kind of writing on the floor. P-S-I-R-E-N-S. "Psirens."

  Kryten : The poor devil must've scrawled it in his death throes using a combination of his own blood and even his own intestines.

  Rimmer : Who would do that?

  Lister : Someone who badly needed a pen.

  The Cat : What I don't understand is why he went to the trouble of using his kidney as a full-stop.

  Rimmer : I don't think he meant to do that. It probably just... plopped out.

• Lister : [Lister, after 200 years in hypersleep has forgotten who he is. Kryten has been helping Lister remember]  Is there something good you can tell me about myself? Something laudable?

  Kryten : Laudable? Hmm, you sometimes help me with my laundry duties by turning your underpants inside out and extending the wear time by three weeks.

  Lister : I'm an animal. I'm a tasteless, uncouth, mindless, tone-deaf, randy, blokish, semi-literate space bum!

  Kryten : Ahh... welcome back Mr. Lister sir!

• The Cat : [about Red Dwarf]  Who'd steal a gigantic red trash can with no brakes and three million years on the clock?

  Kryten : Rogue droids; genetically engineered life-forms; figments of Mr. Lister's imagination made solid by some weird space ray.

• Kryten : [an illusionary fireball is approaching Starbug]  That fireball does not exist.

  Rimmer : Say you're wrong?

  Kryten : I'll stake my reputation on it.

  Rimmer : Kryten, you haven't got a reputation.

  Kryten : No, but I'm hoping to acquire one after this escapade.

• [a Psiren, posing as Professor Mamet, has forced Kryten to enter a compactor; he emerges as a block of garbage] 

  Kryten : I'm almost annoyed!

• Kryten : [they've just passed through an illusionary meteorite. The others were all scared, but Kryten assured them it wasn't real]  Ah. Smug mode. Well, I can't hang around here saving your necks all day. I think I'll go make a start on that ironing.

  [laughs] 

• Kryten : [to Lister]  Waste disposal unit armed and ready, sir.

  Rimmer : Kryten, will this work?

  Kryten : [to himself]  Lie mode.

  [to Rimmer] 

  Kryten : Of course it'll work, sir! No worries!

• Lister : [Appears on outside camera]  It's me.

  [Enters Starbug] 

  Lister : It's getting pretty hairy out there, Kryten, let's vamoose.

  [Another Lister appears on the screen] 

  Second Lister : What the hell are doing taking off while I'm still outside! Let me in!

  Kryten : I'm afraid, sir, you're already here.

  Lister : He's a Psiren, Kryten, don't let him in.

  Second Lister : For God's sake, he's the Psiren! I can't hang on longer, let me in!

  Rimmer : What are we gonna do?

  Kryten : We can't tell which is which, we've got to let him in.

  Rimmer : Then we'll definitely have a Psiren on board, a brain-sucking, psychotic, temporal lobe slurper.

  Kryten : There's a 50% chance we've already got one on board! We can't risk killing Mr. Lister, we've got to let him in!

  Rimmer : [Deleted exchange]  Kryten, what about Space Corps Directive 5796?

  Kryten : 5796? "No officer above the rank of Mess Sergeant is permitted into combat with pierced nipples?" Forgive me, sir, but I can't see how that's pertinent to the presentation situation.

  Kryten : 5797 then.

  Kryten : Oh, the hell with the regs! I'm letting him in!

  Rimmer : On your square head be it.

• Rimmer : Kryten, you're forgetting about Space Corps Directive 1742!

  Kryten : 1742? "No member of the Corps should ever report for duty in a ginger toupee." Well, thank you for reminding me about that regulation but I can't see how it is pertinent to our present situation.

  Rimmer : 1743, then!

  Kryten : Oh, I see. "No registered vessel should attempt to transverse an asteroid belt without deflectors."

  Rimmer : Yes! God, he's pedantic!

  Lister : Rimmer, check out the supply situation. Your hologram's on battery backup. Oxygen for three months. Water, if we drink recyc, seven weeks. And worst of all, we're down to our last two thousand poppadoms. We're in trouble, man, big time!

  Rimmer : You know how unstable those belts are, rogue asteroids, meteor storms. One direct hit on that Plexiglas view screen and our innards will be turned out quicker than a pair of Lister's old underpants.

• Dave Lister : I'm a useless, tasteless, semi-literate spacebum.

  Kryten : Oh, welcome back Mr. Lister, Sir.

• Lister : Okay, scouter's checked out black boxes on three of the derelicts. This entire belt is swarming with some kind of genetically-engineered lifeform, they're called Psirens, like with Ulysses in that ancient Turkish legend.

  Kryten : I believe the legend was Greek, sir.

  Lister : Whatever, some country big on curly shoes and hummus. Point is, they use this power of illusion to lure you onto the asteroids, then they strip the ships of whatever they can use, and then suck out your brains.

  Rimmer : They shouldn't bother us, then, there's barely a snack on board.

  Kryten : We can't turn back now, sir, we'll lose Red Dwarf.

  Lister : We'll be through the belt in three, maybe four hours, we've just got to stay on the case. They'll try and tempt us, scare us, break our morale, anything to force us down onto the rocks.