- [Rimmer is showing Kryten a slideshow of his rambling holiday through Red Dwarf's diesel decks, while giving an in-depth commentary]
- Kryten: [extremely bored] Sir, could we take a break for a while? It appears my intelligence circuits have melted.
- Rimmer: Well, we're not going to get through them all, Kryten, if we take a second break.
- Kryten: Sir, that's a gamble I'm willing to take.
- The Cat: [At Lister's swollen head] Man, look at you. Do you know what you look like? It's nauseating. You could go double-dating with the Elephant Man and he would be the looker!
- Rimmer: But I never got so much as a library book late! Second-degree murder? A 1,000 people? I would have remembered!
- Justice Computer voice: Your willful negligence in failing to reseal a drive plate resulted in the deaths of the entire crew of the Jupiter Mining Corporation vessel, the Red Dwarf.
- Rimmer: Oh, that!
- Kryten: I ask the court one key question: Would the Space Core ever have allowed this man to be in a position of authority where he might endanger the entire crew? A man so petty and small minded, he would while away his evenings sewing name labels onto his ship issue condoms. A man of such awesome stupidity...
- Rimmer: Objection.
- Justice Computer voice: Objection overruled.
- Kryten: ...a man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defence counsel. An over-zealous, trumped up little squirt...
- Rimmer: Objection.
- Justice Computer voice: Overruled.
- Kryten: ...an incompetent vending machine repairman with a Napoleon complex, who commanded as much respect and affection from his fellow crew members as Long John Silver's parrot.
- Rimmer: OBJECTION.
- Justice Computer voice: If you object to your own counsel once more Mr. Rimmer, you will be in contempt.
- Kryten: Who would allow this man, this joke of a man, this man who could not outwit a used tea bag, to be in a position where he might endanger the entire crew? Who? Only a yoghurt. This man is not guilty of manslaughter, he is only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime; it is also his punishment. The defence rests.
- Rimmer: What are you waiting for? Gloop him.
- Lister: I can't. He's not armed.
- Rimmer: Lister, this is not a scout meeting. We are not trying to win Best Behaved Troop Flag. Gloop him.
- Lister: What? In the back?
- Rimmer: Of course in the back. It's only a pity he's awake.
- Lister: You mean you can happily kill him if he was asleep?
- Rimmer: I can happily kill him if he was on the job.
- Rimmer: Oh, Listy, Listy. Is that a small sewage plant you're carrying in your trousers, or do I detect you're a tad concerned?
- The Cat: What a dilemma. Inside this pod is either death or a date. And personally, I'm prepared to take the risk.
- Lister: Well, then there was this one time at this hotel...
- Kryten: Oh, lots of people take towels from hotels, sir.
- Lister: I took the bed. I threw it out of the window to my mates next door. He was renting this flat, you see, and it was unfurnished.
- Rimmer: You mean to say that you went into a hotel and stole the bed?
- Lister: Stole the entire room.
- Rimmer: Absolutely despicable! You're a common thief!
- Kryten: Don't worry, Mr Lister, sir. I'm sure you won't be punished for some minor misdemeanour that you committed as an adolescent over three million years ago.
- Lister: Seriously, Kryten? Do you reckon?
- Kryten: Boy! I'm really getting the hang of this lie mode! That was totally convincing, wasn't it?
- Kryten: I ask the court, look at this man. This man who sat and failed his astro-navigation exam on no less than 13 occasions. This sad man. This pathetic man. This joke of a man.
- Rimmer: Kryten, you're going over the top. The court will never buy it.
- Kryten: Sir, trust me. My whole case hinges on proving you're a dork!
- Rimmer: [Grimaces, then agrees] Understood.
- Lister: That's just great, isn't it? That's just typical. The first female company in three million years and I look like something that belongs up a whale's nose!