Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Justice (1991)

Danny John-Jules: Cat

Photos 

Quotes 

• The Cat : [At Lister's swollen head]  Man, look at you. Do you know what you look like? It's nauseating. You could go double-dating with the Elephant Man and he would be the looker!

• Rimmer : You're going to prove that I'm innocent of negligence on the grounds that I'm a half-witted incompetent?

  The Cat : Man, there ain't a jury in the land who wouldn't buy a plea like that!

  Kryten : No, not a half-wit, exactly. More a buffoon.

• The Cat : You ever heard of an animal called an Iranian jird?

  Lister : No.

  The Cat : It can do a 150 pelvic thrusts a second.

  Lister : So?

  The Cat : So that's me in slow-mo. Put a Black and Decker drill on the end and I can make it through walls, boy!

• The Cat : What a dilemma. Inside this pod is either death or a date. And personally, I'm prepared to take the risk.

• The Cat : So what did you do?

  Lister : Well, like, scrumping. When I was a kid back in Liverpool, we always used to go scrumping.

  Kryten : Oh, stealing apples? That's hardly a crime, sir.

  Lister : No, but me and my mates, we used to go scrumping for cars.

• Kryten : [about Rimmer]  Would you describe the accused as a friend?

  The Cat : Take the Fifth!

  Kryten : Now, sir, if you can give an honest answer. You are under polygraphic surveillance. Would you describe the accused as a friend?

  Lister : No, I describe the accused as a git.

• Lister : Say she's an ordinary person who doesn't go for your type.

  The Cat : I'd have heard about her! She would have appeared on Ripley's Believe It Or Not!

• Kryten : With respect, sir, they are not androids, they are simulants.

  The Cat : What's the difference?

  Kryten : Well, the basic difference is that an android will not rip off a human's head and spit down his neck.

• The Cat : I've seen mirrors, I have eyes. Let's face it, buddy. I have a body that makes men wet.

• Lister : Say she's interested in somebody else.

  The Cat : Like who?

  Lister : I dont know. Well, like... like me.

  The Cat : But you've got a head like a watermelon! What are you gonna do? Paint it in yellow and black stripes and pretend you play quarterback with the Bengals?