Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Justice (1991)

Craig Charles: Lister

Photos 

Quotes 

• Kryten : Who would you say, then, is the person who thinks of him most fondly?

  Lister : [Thinks about it, and answers truthfully]  I do.

  Kryten : And there are no others who've shared moments of intimacy with him?

  Lister : Only one. But she's got a puncture.

• Rimmer : What are you waiting for? Gloop him.

  Lister : I can't. He's not armed.

  Rimmer : Lister, this is not a scout meeting. We are not trying to win Best Behaved Troop Flag. Gloop him.

  Lister : What? In the back?

  Rimmer : Of course in the back. It's only a pity he's awake.

  Lister : You mean you can happily kill him if he was asleep?

  Rimmer : I can happily kill him if he was on the job.

• The Cat : You ever heard of an animal called an Iranian jird?

  Lister : No.

  The Cat : It can do a 150 pelvic thrusts a second.

  Lister : So?

  The Cat : So that's me in slow-mo. Put a Black and Decker drill on the end and I can make it through walls, boy!

• The Cat : So what did you do?

  Lister : Well, like, scrumping. When I was a kid back in Liverpool, we always used to go scrumping.

  Kryten : Oh, stealing apples? That's hardly a crime, sir.

  Lister : No, but me and my mates, we used to go scrumping for cars.

• Kryten : [about Rimmer]  Would you describe the accused as a friend?

  The Cat : Take the Fifth!

  Kryten : Now, sir, if you can give an honest answer. You are under polygraphic surveillance. Would you describe the accused as a friend?

  Lister : No, I describe the accused as a git.

• Lister : Say she's an ordinary person who doesn't go for your type.

  The Cat : I'd have heard about her! She would have appeared on Ripley's Believe It Or Not!

• Lister : Well, then there was this one time at this hotel...

  Kryten : Oh, lots of people take towels from hotels, sir.

  Lister : I took the bed. I threw it out of the window to my mates next door. He was renting this flat, you see, and it was unfurnished.

  Rimmer : You mean to say that you went into a hotel and stole the bed?

  Lister : Stole the entire room.

  Rimmer : Absolutely despicable! You're a common thief!

• Kryten : Don't worry, Mr Lister, sir. I'm sure you won't be punished for some minor misdemeanour that you committed as an adolescent over three million years ago.

  Lister : Seriously, Kryten? Do you reckon?

  Kryten : Boy! I'm really getting the hang of this lie mode! That was totally convincing, wasn't it?

• Lister : [Visiting Rimmer in jail]  Hi, killer.

  Rimmer : 9,000 years? Nine?

  Lister : I brought you a book.

  Rimmer : [Sarcastically]  Oh, thanks! That'll really help the centuries fly past!

• Lister : That's just great, isn't it? That's just typical. The first female company in three million years and I look like something that belongs up a whale's nose!

• Lister : Say she's interested in somebody else.

  The Cat : Like who?

  Lister : I dont know. Well, like... like me.

  The Cat : But you've got a head like a watermelon! What are you gonna do? Paint it in yellow and black stripes and pretend you play quarterback with the Bengals?