Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Cassandra (1999)

Craig Charles: Lister

Quotes 

• Rimmer : Let's ask her a question about the future. A biggie.

  Lister : OK, Cassandra. Do we ever get back to Earth? Has the human race survived?

  The Cat : Do I ever find my singing tiepin?

• Kochanski : [about Rimmer]  Why aren't you mad that I'm in bed with him?

  Lister : Because I know why you're in bed with him. And I also know that I don't kill him.

  Kochanski : [disappointed]  Oh, but Cassandra promised.

• Rimmer : What happened to my life? Career, prospects, friends. I had everything, and I threw it all away. It's a tragedy.

  Lister : What are you on about? You had none of that stuff.

  Rimmer : You're right. I had none of that stuff. I had absolutely nothing and I threw it all away. It's an even bigger tragedy.

• Lister : Have you figured out a way to get us out of here yet, Hol?

  Holly : I have actually, Dave. I've devoted all my runtime to looking for a loophole in the Prison Regs. And I think I've come up with something which means you can serve you entire two year sentence in just 14 weeks.

  Lister : Oh, brilliant. What have I gotta do?

  Holly : Become a dog.

  Lister : A dog?

  Holly : According to my data banks, dog years are seven times shorter than human years. As a plan, you can't fault it on its mathematics.

  Lister : No, but maybe you can fault it on the fact that I'm not a dog.

  Holly : Yeah, but according to a 20th century newspaper called The National Enquirer, the operation's quite straightforward.

  [Lister looks dumbstruck] 

  Holly : A roverostomy, they called it. There's a photograph here of a bloke who had it done.

  [shows picture of a dog on the front page of a magazine] 

  Lister : That's a dog.

  Holly : See how convincing it is? Even you're fooled.

  Lister : Becoming a dog. That is without doubt the most stupidest, crappiest, most pathetic idea you've thought of the whole week.

  Holly : Give me a chance. It's only Monday.

• Lister : It's only two years. But with good behaviour, it'll probably be eighteen months. Remember when you're born, and then you're eighteen months? The time just flashed past.

  Rimmer : It flashed past because you had two breasts as big as your head at your beck and call day and night. Give me that now and I wouldn't be whingeing.

• Rimmer : Cassandra, I have a question.

  Cassandra : I know, Arnold, because I know the rest of this conversation.

  Rimmer : So what's the answer?

  Cassandra : He chokes to death aged 181 trying to remove a bra with his teeth.

  Lister : What was the question?

  Rimmer : I just asked how you died.

  Lister : You what? I didn't wanna know that. Who's bra?

  The Cat : 181? Probably your own.

  Lister : Come on, though. Taking a bra off with my teeth aged 181. That's a hell of a sexy way to go.

  Kryten : So long as the teeth are in your mouth at the time, sir.

• Lister : [to Rimmer]  Hey, I've been surviving in space for five or six years. When it comes to weirdy, paradoxy space stuff, I bought the T-shirt.

  Kryten : He bought it and I ironed it for him!

  Lister : Exactly.

• Rimmer : How come you've not heard of the Canaries? They've got recruitment posters all over the men's bogs. How come you've not seen them?

  Lister : When I'm in the men's toilets in prison, Rimmer, I tend not to look around, know what I'm saying? It's like playing Golf. I concentrate on me grip, keep me eye on the ball and try not to veer off to the side!

• Rimmer : So, to summarise, six years of space adventuring; six years of physics and astro-navigation has led you to the conclusion that I'm totally stuffed.

  Kryten : Mr. Rimmer does have a point, sir. Your greater knowledge is making him pessimistic, therefore making his mind and his dough-like naïvete come up with a possible solution.

  Lister : Shut your stupid flat head, you!