Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Balance of Power (1988)

Mark Williams: Petersen

Quotes 

• [flashback scene in the disco - Chen starts another one of their games again, he starts slapping the table, clapping his hands and clicking his fingers, the others do the same, in unison] 

  Chen : [chanting]  I've been to Titan, I've been to Bolanski, I can name 90 men who've slept with Kochanski! Me!

  Petersen : Me!

  Selby : Me!

  Chen : The London Jet Juniors!

  Petersen : The service droids!

  Selby : My mother!

  [they laugh] 

  Lister : OK! Leave it alone! Leave it...

  [the scene dissolves to Lister sitting by himself in the same room, 3 million years later] 

  Lister : [sadly]  ... alone.

• Rimmer : Lister, where's my revision timetable?

  Chen : Sir, it's Saturday night!

  Lister : Come on, no one works Saturday night!

  Rimmer : You don't work *any* night. You don't work any *day*.

  Lister : 'Skive hard, play hard,' that's our motto!

  Rimmer : Look, I've got my engineering re-sit on Monday, I don't know anything. Where's my revision timetable?

  Lister : Wait, is this the thing in all different colours, with all the subjects divided into study periods and rest periods and self-testing time?

  Rimmer : It took me seven weeks to make it. I've got to cram my whole revision into one night.

  Lister : Hang on, is this the thing with a note on it in red which said, "Vital, valuable, urgent! Do not touch on pain of death!"?

  Rimmer : Yes!

  Lister : I threw it away.

  [Lister and his friends laugh] 

  Rimmer : Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, tee-hee. Where is it?

  Lister : Nah, I didn't. I pinned it up on the wall.

  Rimmer : What? Why?

  Lister : To dry it out!

  Rimmer : What do you mean, "dry it out"?

  Lister : Well, I spilt a goat vindaloo on it. Don't worry, it's a little bit red but you can read most of it, especially if you scrape the lumps off!

  [Lister's friends laugh again] 

  Rimmer : [clenching his fist]  You spoilt my...! No, I haven't got time, I'm taking learning drugs and all I'm memorizing is this conversation.

  Petersen : They're illegal!

  Rimmer : [trance-like, as he walks away]  "Where's my revision timetable, Lister?" "It's Saturday night." "No one works Saturday night." "You don't work any night. You don't work any day." "'Skive hard play hard' that's our motto." "Lister where'd you put my revision timetable?" "It's Saturday night." "No one works Saturday night." "You don't work... "

• [flashback scene - Lister and his friends are sitting at a table in a disco. In unison, they start slapping the table, clapping their hands and clicking their fingers] 

  Petersen : [chanting]  I have been to Titan, I have been to Juno, I can name eight things that go in jars that you know! Pickles!

  Selby : Jam!

  Chen : Spag-hett-i!

  Lister : Brains!

  [they stop] 

  Selby : What, in jars?

  Lister : Me uncle's brain's in a jar. It's really sad.

  Chen : Why is it sad?

  Lister : He's not dead yet!

  [he laughs] 

  Petersen : Right, everybody's punished. Finish your drinks!

  [they drink their beers, gargle them, spit them out, then put their glasses on their heads and start trying to tickle each other]