Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Balance of Power (1988)

Craig Charles: Lister

Photos 

Quotes 

• Holly : Jean-Paul Sartre said hell was being locked forever in a room with your friends.

  Lister : Holly, all his mates were French.

• Holly : [explaining why he brought Rimmer back as a hologram to keep Lister company]  He's the person you knew best. Over 14 million words in all.

  Lister : Holly, 7 million of those were me telling him to smeg off. And the other 7 million were him putting me on report for telling him to smeg off.

• Rimmer : Chef? You want to become a chef?

  Lister : Not really, I just want to become your superior.

  Rimmer : But, a chef? A white-hatted ponce? That's not a real officer.

  Lister : It outranks you, smeg-for-brains.

• Rimmer : Is that picture yours? It's rubbish.

  Lister : It's a mirror.

• Rimmer : What's this? Learning drugs? They're illegal, matey. I'm afraid you're in very serious, grave, deep trouble, Lister. Where did you get them? I want names, I want places, I want dates.

  Lister : Arnold Rimmer, his locker, this morning.

• Lister : What about Kristine Kochanski? You could have brought Kristine back.

  Holly : In your entire life, you shared conversation with her totalled 173 words.

  Lister : So?

  Holly : In terms of wordage, you actually had a better relationship with your rubber plant.

• [Lister collects his exam result slip] 

  Rimmer : How did you do? How did you do? How did you do, Lister?

  Lister : How did I do, Mister Lister *SIR*!

  [he jumps up in the air and salutes, the picture freeze-frames as he's in mid-air and cuts to the end credits] 

• [flashback scene in the disco - Chen starts another one of their games again, he starts slapping the table, clapping his hands and clicking his fingers, the others do the same, in unison] 

  Chen : [chanting]  I've been to Titan, I've been to Bolanski, I can name 90 men who've slept with Kochanski! Me!

  Petersen : Me!

  Selby : Me!

  Chen : The London Jet Juniors!

  Petersen : The service droids!

  Selby : My mother!

  [they laugh] 

  Lister : OK! Leave it alone! Leave it...

  [the scene dissolves to Lister sitting by himself in the same room, 3 million years later] 

  Lister : [sadly]  ... alone.

• Rimmer : Lister, where's my revision timetable?

  Chen : Sir, it's Saturday night!

  Lister : Come on, no one works Saturday night!

  Rimmer : You don't work *any* night. You don't work any *day*.

  Lister : 'Skive hard, play hard,' that's our motto!

  Rimmer : Look, I've got my engineering re-sit on Monday, I don't know anything. Where's my revision timetable?

  Lister : Wait, is this the thing in all different colours, with all the subjects divided into study periods and rest periods and self-testing time?

  Rimmer : It took me seven weeks to make it. I've got to cram my whole revision into one night.

  Lister : Hang on, is this the thing with a note on it in red which said, "Vital, valuable, urgent! Do not touch on pain of death!"?

  Rimmer : Yes!

  Lister : I threw it away.

  [Lister and his friends laugh] 

  Rimmer : Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, tee-hee. Where is it?

  Lister : Nah, I didn't. I pinned it up on the wall.

  Rimmer : What? Why?

  Lister : To dry it out!

  Rimmer : What do you mean, "dry it out"?

  Lister : Well, I spilt a goat vindaloo on it. Don't worry, it's a little bit red but you can read most of it, especially if you scrape the lumps off!

  [Lister's friends laugh again] 

  Rimmer : [clenching his fist]  You spoilt my...! No, I haven't got time, I'm taking learning drugs and all I'm memorizing is this conversation.

  Petersen : They're illegal!

  Rimmer : [trance-like, as he walks away]  "Where's my revision timetable, Lister?" "It's Saturday night." "No one works Saturday night." "You don't work any night. You don't work any day." "'Skive hard play hard' that's our motto." "Lister where'd you put my revision timetable?" "It's Saturday night." "No one works Saturday night." "You don't work... "

• Rimmer : We're mates! We're pals!

  Lister : When?

  Rimmer : Oh, come on, Lister! Laugh, laugh, laugh. Chuckle, guffaw, giggle. That's Rimsy and Listy!

  Lister : When?

  Rimmer : Millions of times.

  Lister : When?

  Rimmer : Ah... Ah, how about the time your safety harness snapped and you fell into the cargo bay? We laughed then, didn't we?

  Lister : I cracked me spine in three places.

  Rimmer : Yes, but it was hilarious! We laughed like drains!

  Lister : *You* laughed. I spent six weeks in traction.

  Rimmer : Yes, that's right, that's right! And you spent the rest of the summer walking around like a croquet hoop. Oh, I laughed so hard I nearly puked, I really did.

• Rimmer : 140,000 rehydratable chickens.

  Lister : Check.

  Rimmer : 72 tons of reconstituted sausage pate.

  Lister : Check.

  Rimmer : 4,691 irradiated haggis.

  Lister : Oh, Rimmer, it's Saturday night. I've had enough.

  Rimmer : 4,691 irradiated haggis.

  Lister : Rimmer, it's Saturday night, I wanna boogie on down!

  Rimmer : 4,691 irradiated haggis.

  Lister : We've been doing this for four hours, let's have a break!

  Rimmer : 4,691 irradiated hag-g-is.

  Lister : Rimmer, will you stop saying 4,981 irradiated haggis and speak to me?

  Rimmer : [nods]  4,691 irradiated haggis.

  Lister : Rimmer, I want to go for a drink!

  Rimmer : 4,691 irradiated haggis.

  Lister : I wanna have some fun!

  Rimmer : This is fun! Are you mad?

• Rimmer : I'm just saying, Lister, that at times as good as those, there's no point in letting something small and silly like this come between a friendship that we'd nurtured like a small flower, petal by petal, and watch blossom and bloom into something rare and special.

  Lister : OK, give me Kochanski.

  Rimmer : Smeg off, dishwasher breath!

• Lister : Holly, why Rimmer's hologram? Why did you have to bring Rimmer's hologram back? He was the most unpopular man on board this ship! I mean, he even had to organise his surprise birthday parties!

  Holly : And who should I have brought back, then?

  Lister : Anyone! Chen. Petersen. I mean, Hermann Göring would have been more of a laugh than Rimmer! I mean, OK, he was a drug-crazed transvestite but at least we could have gone dancing!

• [Lister returns from a chef training session holding a cake] 

  Rimmer : Lister, did you make that?

  Lister : Yeah. It's not that good, it was supposed to be roast beef.

• Lister : Oh, crap!

  [a toilet automatically revolves out of the wall] 

  Lister : Not you!

  Toilet : I do apologise, I wasn't paying attention. See you later.

• [Lister is trying to persuade Rimmer to switch himself off so he can spend some time with Kochanski's hologram. Rimmer doesn't want to do this at all] 

  Lister : Rimmer, I promise, I swear I'll turn you back on.

  Rimmer : Is that it, Lister? Is that the entire proposal?

  Lister : Yes.

  Rimmer : Well, Lister...

  Lister : No, think about it seriously. Don't just dismiss it.

  Rimmer : All right, all right, I'll think about it.

  [silence] 

  Lister : You're just going to say no.

  Rimmer : Don't interrupt! I'm thinking about it.

  Lister : But you're just going to say no!

  Rimmer : Not necessarily. I'm mulling it over.

  [Rimmer clucks his tongue as he thinks for a few moments] 

  Rimmer : Yeeeeeeeeee - no.

• Rimmer : You don't know when to stop, do you, Lister? I'm your superior!

  Lister : Technician was the lowest rank on the ship. The man who changed the bog rolls was higher than us!

  Rimmer : Yes, well, he's not here now Lister and we are! And there's still a pecking order! And I'm pecking you, baby!

  Lister : OK, Rimmer. OK.

  Rimmer : OK?

  Lister : Ooooo-kay.

  Rimmer : Is that a threat, Lister?

  Lister : Yeah.

  Rimmer : Er, actually, "Okay", Lister, is not a threat, technically speaking.

  Lister : It is when you mean it to mean what I mean it to mean. And I mean it to mean - OKaay, Rimmer, O-Kaaaay!

  Rimmer : No, Lister, "Okay" is never a threat, no matter how A's you put on the end.

• Lister : Rimmer, do you, erm, do you remember Kristine Kochanski?

  Rimmer : Navigation officer? Yes, I remember her. Snooty cow. She used to look down on me. She used to call me "Rimmer."

  Lister : [confused]  Everybody called you "Rimmer."

  Rimmer : Ah, it's the way she said it, though. Rimmer. Rimmer. To rhyme with "scum."

• Kochanski : [Lister is taking the chef's exam when a hologram of Kochanski walks in]  Hello, Dave.

  Lister : [as Lister stands there staring at her, the hot dish he's holding burns his hands and he drops it]  I'm just doing this, erm... I'm taking this, erm... I'm... this is a surprise.

  Kochanski : Dave, why didn't you just tell me how you felt about me when I was still alive?

  Lister : Because I'm a dope. And I'm a bum. And I'm stupid and I'm an idiot and I'm hopeless and I'm useless.

  Kochanski : I'm sorry but I just don't like you.

  Lister : Oh, eh. I'm really embarrassed now. I don't know what to say.

  Kochanski : I suppose it's sort of pointless you doing the exam now.

  Lister : Well, yeah, it's sort of pointless me breathing in and out if you want to know the truth.

  Kochanski : I could never love anyone like you. So you might as well pack up your pots and pans and... off you go. I need a man who's going places. Up, up, up the ziggurat. Lickety-split.

  Lister : [pauses, with a suspicious expression]  So, it didn't mean anything to you then?

  Kochanski : What didn't?

  Lister : You know, when we... made love on the snooker table behind the bins?

  Kochanski : You never told me that!

  Lister : I thought you might have noticed.

  Kochanski : Oh, yes, yes! I remember now!

  Lister : We've never made love. Go away, Rimmer.

  Kochanski : Look, look, I'm a bit out of sorts at the moment. I'm having a woman's period.

  Lister : A "woman's period"! Women don't speak like that! Give me a break! I don't know how you've done it, Rimmer, but that is not Kochanski.

  Kochanski : Its Kochanski's body, its Kochanski's voice... I mean, what's the difference? Come on!

  Lister : The difference is that you're in there! Ugh!

  Kochanski : Well, you can't blame me for trying.

  Lister : Leave!

  Kochanski : [takes a look under her shirt]  I've seen something you haven't, squire.

  [Lister rolls his eyes and shakes his head. "Kochanski" does a Rimmer salute] 

  Kochanski : OK, Holly, swap discs.

  [Kochanski disappears and Rimmer appears in her place] 

  Rimmer : [noticing he now has a female breast under his shirt]  Uh, Holly, this is not my breast. I want my own nipple back, Holly.

  Lister : Leave, Rimmer!

  Rimmer : [fondling the breast]  There's no rush, Holly.

• [flashback scene - Lister and his friends are sitting at a table in a disco. In unison, they start slapping the table, clapping their hands and clicking their fingers] 

  Petersen : [chanting]  I have been to Titan, I have been to Juno, I can name eight things that go in jars that you know! Pickles!

  Selby : Jam!

  Chen : Spag-hett-i!

  Lister : Brains!

  [they stop] 

  Selby : What, in jars?

  Lister : Me uncle's brain's in a jar. It's really sad.

  Chen : Why is it sad?

  Lister : He's not dead yet!

  [he laughs] 

  Petersen : Right, everybody's punished. Finish your drinks!

  [they drink their beers, gargle them, spit them out, then put their glasses on their heads and start trying to tickle each other] 

• Chen : That woman's out of your league. She's just too classy for you.

  Lister : Who is?

  Chen : Kochanski.

  Lister : I've got no big thing about Kochanski.

  Chen : Stick to your usual type, women with little wispy beards who wear three overcoats and carry little bags full of string!

• Rimmer : Black card, Lister. I'm holding up a black card. Conversation over.

  Lister : [about Kochanski]  I've always been crazy about her, I never did anything about it.

  Rimmer : Oh, Lister, you've forgotten the colour code. White - the white card is to continue the discussion but this is a black card situation. Discussion over.

  Lister : Listen...

  Rimmer : [singing]  Duh-duh-duh, black card, black card, black card, black caaaard...

  Lister : I was talking about something else!

  Rimmer : White card, go on.

  Lister : All right, for a start I want to stop all this black card and white card smeg, it's driving me crazy.

  Rimmer : Black card!

• Rimmer : What are you writing on, Lister, the inside of a chocolate wrapper? I mean, come on, where's your loose-leaf file? Where's your pencils? Where's your protractor and your hole-reinforcers?

  Lister : Rimmer, I'm gonna pass this exam by knowing things.

  Rimmer : OK, what's porous circuit?

  Lister : Dunno.

  Rimmer : How do you calculate acceleration?

  Lister : Dunno.

  Rimmer : Oh, this is sad! What's Boyle's fourth law?

  Lister : Don't eat greasy food.