Queer as Folk (TV Series)
Smells Like Codependence (2001)
Hal Sparks: Michael Novotny
Photos
Quotes
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Michael Novotny : [voice-over narration] Everybody's always wishing they had a boyfriend. We all picture how he'd look, how he'd sound, how nice it'd be to have someone to share your life, your dreams, your dental floss...
Dr. David Cameron : [referring to the trick who's cruising them] Little disconcerting when you're trying to eat.
Michael Novotny : [voice-over narration] ...so how come so few of us have one? That's because we're lying. Most of us couldn't commit to a house plant, how are we supposed to commit to having a boyfriend?
[to David]
Michael Novotny : You should see what it's like when Brian comes here. I'm so sorry, I promised I would not mention his name for ten minutes.
Dr. David Cameron : I'd settle for five.
[Michael smiles]
Dr. David Cameron : And you've gotta stop smiling like that.
Michael Novotny : [smiles] Like what?
Dr. David Cameron : Like that. It makes me want to come across the table and eat you like a dessert.
Michael Novotny : Would you like some whip cream with that, Sir?
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Emmett Honeycutt : [someone's knocking on the door.] Woo... That must be prince charming.
[Emmett runs to the door, opens it, and finds Brian standing there.]
Emmett Honeycutt : Make that the Wicked Witch.
Michael Novotny : What are you doing here?
Brian Kinney : I'm hungry; let's go get something to eat.
Michael Novotny : I'm going to my Mom's, remember?
Brian Kinney : Oh, right, din-din with Doc. I forgot.
Michael Novotny : He's gonna be here any minute, so you better go.
Brian Kinney : [opens a box] What's this?
Michael Novotny : Chocolate Éclairs from the Big Q bakery. I bought them for dess...
Emmett Honeycutt : [Brian puts the whole bun into his mouth, in one single mouthful.] Wow, it takes years of practice, develop technique like that.
Michael Novotny : [comes over to Brian, taking over the box] Look, I know you don't like him...
Brian Kinney : Who said I don't like him? And why do you give a fuck what I think?
Emmett Honeycutt : I've been saying that for years.
Brian Kinney : What matters is what you think. If you like him, that's all that's important.
[looking at Emmett]
Brian Kinney : Even though he is... quite a bit older than you, and lives in a world you know nothing about.
Emmett Honeycutt : Shut-up!
Michael Novotny : Are you saying he's too good for me?
Brian Kinney : Nobody's too good for you, Mikey. You're better than anyone.
Michael Novotny : Because he happens to think I'm hot. You know, some people do!
Brian Kinney : Haven't I always told you that?
[kisses Michael on the lips]
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Michael Novotny : [David approaches Michael with a bouquet of flowers.] Hi.
[David kisses Michael on the lips. Michael is looking at the flowers]
Michael Novotny : These are great. My Mom will love these.
Dr. David Cameron : [laughs] Hers are in the car; those are for you.
Emmett Honeycutt : [comes over to get the flowers, whispering] The second sign: flowers.
[to David]
Emmett Honeycutt : I'll just put these in some water.
Dr. David Cameron : [puzzled] Everything alright?
Brian Kinney : He's allergic to boyfriends bringing bouquets.
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Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : Just like "Lady And The Tramp".
Dr. David Cameron : "Lady And The Tramp"?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : It's Michael's favorite movie.
Michael Novotny : When I was nine!
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : You see Lady and Tramp go on this date to an Italian restaurant. And then the waiter...
Vic Grassi : Tony.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : What else would his name be?
[laughs]
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : ...brings over this big bowl of spaghetti and meat balls. And... ehm, and they put their heads in the bowl... They're... they're dogs.
[David laughs.]
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : And they come up with this one single strand of spaghetti. And then they chew, and they chew and...
Vic Grassi : ...and they get closer, and closer...
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : ...until finally their lips meet.
Michael Novotny : [to David] It is, in my estimation, the greatest screen kiss ever.
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Michael Novotny : Ma, this is David. And I... I thought tonight was your night off.
Dr. David Cameron : I, ah... Loraine got food poisoning.
[pointing to the plate]
Dr. David Cameron : I think it was the shish kebab.
[David immediately drops the shish kebab that he was about to eat, terrified.]
Dr. David Cameron : [laughing] Just kidding! Okay, I gotta get cranking. I got a lot of hungry boys to feed.
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Emmett Honeycutt : I say if it walks like a boyfriend...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : ...and talks like a boyfriend...
Emmett Honeycutt , Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : ...Then it must be a boyfriend!
Brian Kinney : Would you two please shut the fuck up? I think it's great that Mikey's got a steady.
Michael Novotny : He's not a steady! We went out twice!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Around here, that's a long-term relationship.
Emmett Honeycutt : The next thing you know, you'll be exchanging rings...
Brian Kinney : Hmmm... And then there'll be one of those commitment ceremonies; where like, all two hundred of the guests have slept with one, if not the both of the happy couple.
Emmett Honeycutt : Just, ehm, promise me you won't wear matching white suits.
Michael Novotny : There is no way that is ever going to happen.
Emmett Honeycutt : Well, then I suggest you, watch out for the warning signs.
Michael Novotny : What warning signs?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Like when he brings you flowers...
Emmett Honeycutt : ...or, or invites you away for a romantic weekend to the country.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Not that you'll see much beside the bedroom ceiling.
[Emmett laughs]
Brian Kinney : Your shot, Mikey.
Emmett Honeycutt : Oh, or the most tell-tell sign of all: When he meets your mother, and ah... she invites him over for dinner.
[Michael hits the cue ball right off the pool table.]
Emmett Honeycutt : Something the matter?
Michael Novotny : I lost my grip.
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Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : [David is having dinner at Michael's Mom's place] Have some more carbonara, David.
Dr. David Cameron : Hmmm... I'm stuffed. Thanks.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : Oh, come on. With that body, you can afford to carbo load.
Vic Grassi : Yeah, you must work out all the time.
Dr. David Cameron : Well, when I can.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : Feel those biceps.
[reaching over to touch David's arm]
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : I could never resist a hard body.
[laughing]
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : Like mother, like son.
Vic Grassi : Like uncle.
Michael Novotny : Like, will you two please leave him alone? Next you'll be asking what kind of car he drives and how much he makes.
[David laughs. Debbie and Vic look at him, staring with anticipation.]
Dr. David Cameron : I drive a Jag, and I'm comfortable.
Vic Grassi : Michael, if you don't marry this man immediately, I will!
Dr. David Cameron : I think I will have a little more.
Michael Novotny : Me too.
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Dr. David Cameron : [David and Michael are making out in Michael's old room.] I got a solution. I got a solution. How would you like to go away with me for the weekend?
Michael Novotny : Huh?
Dr. David Cameron : I got a cabin up in the woods.
Michael Novotny : Will we get to see anything besides the bedroom ceiling?
Dr. David Cameron : [laughing] Word of honor. What do you say?
[Michael looks into David's eyes blankly, doesn't know what to say.]
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : [shouting] Say "yes", you little asshole, or I'll disown you!
[David laughs again.]
Michael Novotny : Like I said, it's a very small house.
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Brian Kinney : [talking on the phone] Six Fuller Court, corner of Tremont. Should take you... ten minutes? One for every inch!
[he hangs up; there're knocking sounds on Brian's door - he opens it, and sees Michael standing there, smiling.]
Brian Kinney : You got laid.
Michael Novotny : I did not.
Brian Kinney : Yes, you did. I can always tell. I thought you and Dave were having dinner at Deb's.
Michael Novotny : Dinner's over.
Brian Kinney : What? Did she scare him off?
Michael Novotny : Actually, she and Vic were in their best behavior.
Brian Kinney : That's even scarier. Listen, you can't stay. I've got someone coming over in approximate seven and a half inches. So... see you tomorrow at "Studs and Suds"?
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Michael Novotny : [talking on the phone] It's my neck again. I can barely move it.
Emmett Honeycutt : [referring to Michael's clothes] Do you want the periwinkle, or the apricot?
Michael Novotny : [whispering to Emmett] Shhh!
Emmett Honeycutt : [also whispering] I think the apricot goes better with your eyes.
Michael Novotny : [gets back to the phone, pretending to be in agony] Ah... yeah, I... I think it'll be better in a couple of days. Oh, don't worry. I definitely plan on seeing my chiropractor. Thanks. Thanks. Bye.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : You know what grows when you lie.
Emmett Honeycutt : Too bad it's your nose.
Michael Novotny : I'm entitled to a couple of personal days.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Michael, you're entitled to a personal life!
Emmett Honeycutt : Alright, have you got everything?
Michael Novotny : Ah... Five pairs of jeans, seven shirts, four sweaters, and ten tees.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : How long are you going for?
Michael Novotny : The weekend.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Alright.
[walks over to Michael, taking things out from the bag]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : One change of undies, a pack of condoms, a tube of lube. There. You're all set.
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Michael Novotny : Remember when my Mom took me to Atlantic City, I got sick on all that saltwater taffy?
Emmett Honeycutt : Listen to him. He's got cold feet already.
Michael Novotny : I'm not getting cold feet! I just... don't know what to do for a whole weekend.
Emmett Honeycutt : Well, let's see. First you arrive...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Then you fuck.
Emmett Honeycutt : Then you unpack...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Then you fuck.
Emmett Honeycutt : Then you go berry picking.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Then you fuck.
Michael Novotny : I mean after you fuck
Emmett Honeycutt : You talk. You get to know each other.
Michael Novotny : What if I run out of things to say? What if I... say some stupid remark and he says, "Why am I up here with this jerk?". And what if...
Emmett Honeycutt : Hey! Hey! Would you please stop worrying?
Michael Novotny : I just want him to like me.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : He already does.
[pausing]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : He more than likes you.
Emmett Honeycutt : So you go, and you have a fabulous time. And... Bring us back some berries.
[Emmett puts his hand on Ted's shoulder. Michael smiles, and then Emmett starts groping Ted.]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : That's... not my berries.