Queer as Folk (TV Series)
No Bris, No Shirt, No Service (2000)
Hal Sparks: Michael Novotny
Photos
Quotes
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Michael : So why punish him by not going?
Brian : Look, it's not if he's gonna know I'm not there.
Michael : Can't be sure. I read some place...
Brian : Where? Marvel Comics?
Michael : ...that infants respond to things even while still in the womb. For instance, tension and discord affect them adversely, while playing Mozart and stuff like that makes 'em super smart.
Brian : Well how do you think listening to the sound of two dikes go down on each other for the past nine months has affected him? Christ. He'll probably grow up to be straight.
Michael : All the more reason why he needs his dad!
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[first lines]
Michael : [Voice over narration] About a week, after their baby was born... Thanks in part to the invaluable contribution of Brian Kinney... Lindsay and Melanie had a party. They invited a heard of their nearest and dearest lesbians, assorted relatives and us, the friends of the Father to their house. It was really nice. The smell of bread baking, and fresh flowers everywhere you looked. Not like going to my friends' places, with the smell of dirty laundry, and stacks of porn tapes everywhere you look.
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Michael : [voiceover narration] Seeing them in their beautiful home with their new baby and their arms around each other, I wished for a moment that I, too, could be a lesbian. But then I remembered I'd have to eat pussy, so I said forget it.
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Michael : [voiceover narration] Still being there that day, I realized how different men and women are, and I don't think it has anything to do with being gay or straight. It's that, the way I see it, women know how to commit to each other; men don't. At least not the men I know! But I'm jumping ahead. Let's go back an hour.
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Michael : [talking to Brian in the steam room] Well, I was just about to say, I think you should rise to the occasion you know, we... bigger than they are. That is if you can take you hand and your mind off your dick long enough.
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Emmett Honeycutt : Isn't he gorgeous? His name is Katsuo.
Katsuo : [holding a glass of juice in his hand] Jews?
Emmett Honeycutt : No, no, no.
[pointing at the Jewish people at the brisk]
Emmett Honeycutt : Jews.
[pointing at the glass]
Emmett Honeycutt : Juice. Okay?
[Emmett turns to Michael.]
Emmett Honeycutt : He gives "Pacific Rim", a whole new meaning.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Where did you find him?
Emmett Honeycutt : He found me. I was having drinks in the losers lounge. He comes over, starts chattering away. Only he doesn't speak any English and the only Japanese I know is "Sony" and "Toyota".
Michael : So how do you communicate with him?
Emmett Honeycutt : There's other ways than talking.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : We all know it's not polite to talk with your mouth full.
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Katsuo : [Katsuo talks away in Japanese.] Kane. Kane.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : ...Yeah, okay, alright. Let's go ask Melanie. She's fluent in sushi. Come, come, come, come.
[guiding him to Melanie]
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus : [talking to someone on camera] Ha-ha... Okay, have a bagel.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Mel. Hi, Mel. Okay, and cut. Great! Look, we need you to translate.
[to Katsuo]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Talk to Melanie. Melanie speak all Axis Powers.
[Katsuo begins to tell his story while Melanie listens.]
Michael : He keeps saying "Kane".
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus : Yeah...
[pulling Michael away from Katsuo]
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus : "Kane" is money! He's saying he expects Emmett to pay him.
Michael : For what?
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus : He's a God damned male prostitute!
Michael : Oh, shit!
Katsuo : [Emmett walks over to Katsuo before Michael could stop him.] Kane!
Emmett Honeycutt : Come, come, sweetie.
Michael : Melanie says, "Kane" means...
[long pause]
Michael : ..."love". He says he loves your voice. It's like a silent wind chime, and your smile is like cherry blossoms floating on a still breeze.
Emmett Honeycutt : That... That is... That is the most beautiful thing that anyone has ever said to me.
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Michael : Where's Brian?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Looking after the only dick that matters. - His own.
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Michael : ...I know that guy. He works out in our gym. Ah... Blake! I think he likes you.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Oh, yeah, how can you tell?
Michael : Because he's looking back.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Probably just stretching his neck.
Michael : Will you listen to you?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : What?
Michael : Always putting yourself down!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Well, better me than them. I'm gentler.
Michael : Doesn't sound like it. You know, it is possible that someone can actually like you, you know.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Yeah, it's possible. However, I'm sure a statistical analysis would reveal that the probability of a guy named "Blake" who looks like that, actually liking a guy named "Ted", who looks like me to be in the... point zero five percentile. In other words, practically zip. Anyway, I'm sure Brian's more his type.
Michael : How do you know that?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Because Brian's everybody's type. Which explains why he's had everybody.
Michael : Wha...
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : I know, I know. Except for you. Which is kind of weird when you think about it.
Michael : Weird? He's my best friend!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : So?
Michael : So, everybody knows you don't have sex with your friends!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Oh, right! Sex is something you only have with complete strangers, yeah. People you will never see again - unless you just bump into him on the street. But never with someone you might actually give a shit about.
[pause]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Who made us these crazy rules, anyway, huh?
Michael : Beats me. Let's go have a drink.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Or two or three.
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Michael : [Justin and Daphne walk into Woody's.] Double shit!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : What now?
Michael : It's him, our teen stalker! Christ, why won't be just go away?
Justin Taylor : [to Debbie] Remember me?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : Turn around. I never forget a butt, especially a cute one.
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Michael : I'm not baby-sitting him again. This time he's all yours!
Brian : What?
Michael : He's over there talking to my mother, you little prick!
Brian : Leave him alone. He's alright.
Michael : ... Excuse me? The noise is so loud in here, I thought I heard you said he's alright.
Brian : In fact, it's kind of sweet.
Michael : Sweet? I thought we got rid of him. I thought he was out of our lives.
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Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : [talking about Brian] What's eating him? Or isn't?
[she laughs]
Michael : None of your business.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : You watch your mouth.
Michael : Why do you have to come here?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : Well, Vic was feeling better, so we thought we'd come here after my shift and have a drink. What's the big deal?
Michael : The big deal is that I came here to hang out with my friends, not my mother.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny : Sweetie, you know I approve of your lifestyle.
Michael : Well maybe I don't want you to approve. Maybe I want you to go home and cry.
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Emmett Honeycutt : Time to organize a search party.
Michael : Who's missing?
Emmett Honeycutt : Katsuo! I was talking to Dungeon Master Don, who wants to mummify me. Have you noticed that the world's getting weirder? Anyway, I turned around, and he was gone.
Michael : I have a feeling he'll be alright.
Emmett Honeycutt : He doesn't speak a word of English! And... and he's so sweet, so innocent. What if some hot, hungry queen tries to have his way with it?
Brian : I thought you already did.
Michael : He's around somewhere. Im sure you'll find him.
Emmett Honeycutt : Thanks.
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Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : [talking to a trick] Hey, how're you doing? ... Good, glad to hear it.
[talking to another trick]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Hey, how's it going? ... Ah, yeah, no complains, thanks. Hey, hey, can I buy you a drink?
Michael : Yeah, I'll take a beer.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : [shocked, turning back to the source of voice] Oh, it's you.
Michael : Oh, fuck you!
[smiling like a crazy person]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : What are you on?
Michael : Nothing. A little Brian's mix. Any luck?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : Oh, I'm headed for an all-time season record: Eight straight, actually make that not so straight no hitters.
Michael : Blake just winked at you.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : He's got some crystal-meth in his eye.
Michael : He did it again! I told you, he likes you. Why don't you just go and ask him to dance?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt : 'Cause he'll just say, "Come back when you get a hair transplant or some liposuction".
Michael : You do not need a hair transplant or liposuction. Besides, nobody would be that cruel to you, except maybe yourself.
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Emmett Honeycutt : The worst part is not that he's unfaithful, or even a slut. I mean, nobody's perfect. It's that he said he loved me. I mean, he lied to me!
Brian : How could he lie to you? He doesn't speak English!
Michael : Look, I'm the one who told you that. I'm sorry.
Emmett Honeycutt : My own fault. Why do I always give my heart away to trash, huh?
Brian : Because you want to see it in the dumpster?
