- Emmett Honeycutt: Their not really a couple, heather.
- Ted: I'm a homo.
- Melanie Marcus: And I'm a lesbo.
- Heather: Oh. I thought, from the hug, that maybe you were normal.
- Melanie Marcus: [to Heather] We are.
- [to Emmet]
- Melanie Marcus: What the hell has gotten into you?
- Ted: He's seen the light
- Melanie Marcus: Where are they shining it, up your ass?
- Heather: See the Light is helping us built a happy, heterosexual life
- Melanie Marcus: Yeah, well, while you're at it, why don't you ask the Wizard for a brain?
- Emmett Honeycutt: I'm so glad that we amuse you.
- Melanie Marcus: Who's amused? I'm outraged.
- Emmett Honeycutt: Just ignore her, Heather, they don't understand.
- Melanie Marcus: I understand you assholes are setting back the gay rights movement about fifty years.
- Ted: I think God appreciates it even more. Because he created you in his image. At least that's what I was always taught. And since God is love and God doesn't make mistakes, then you must be exactly the way he wants you to be. And that goes for every person, every planet, every mountain, every grain of sand, every song, every tear... and every faggot. We're all his, Emmett. He loves us all.
- Ted: God is love, and since God doesn't make mistakes, you must be exactly the way he wants you to be, the way he intended you to be.
- Ted: You know, I never realized, till seeing it with you, that A Night at the Opera is such an epic tragedy...
- Melanie Marcus: I'm sorry, it's just that last Halloween Lindsay went as Groucho and went as Harpo.
- Ted: Well, that explains it.
- Melanie Marcus: Oh, God, nothing personal, but I just wish she was here.
- Ted: I understand. Most of my dates wish they were withsomeone else.
- Melanie Marcus: Oh, don't say that. You are real catch.
- Ted: I know. Just my luck that lesbians find me irresistible.
- Justin Taylor: Here, drink this. It's a secret recipe that my alcoholic grandmother used to make.
- Brian Kinney: Jesus, it smells like a dirty jockstrap.
- Melanie Marcus: Well, in that case, you should like it.
- Brian Kinney: The secret is, she pissed in it.
- Justin Taylor: I'm just trying to help you. You know I'd do anything.
- Melanie Marcus: Oh Jesus. Let's just pray the arbitrator's gay and thinks he's cute.
- Brian Kinney: You know what I remember most about high school?
- Michael Novotny: The time in Biology class when you beat off into a test tube for your science project?
- Brian Kinney: No, food. It was always lots of food in your house
- Michael Novotny: That's an Italian thing. And there was always plenty of booze at your house.
- Brian Kinney: Yea, huh. That's an Irish thing.