Peep Show (TV Series)

Quantocking (2005)

David Mitchell: Mark Corrigan

Quotes 

• Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  I'm going to end up proposing on the M4, possibly the M25! How romantic will that be? And it's going to be her fault. Why won't that stupid bitch let me propose to her?

• Mark Corrigan : Nobody is gonna die, this is Southern England. Nobody dies in Southern England, Jeremy, that just doesn't happen.

• Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Must maintain good relations. Can't propose in bad odour. Jesus! 33% of our mini-break weekend has already gone! Everything's got to be perfect for the big moment.

  Sophie Chapman : Look, let's just go anywhere, yeah?

  Mark Corrigan : [pointing to a restaurant]  Well, what about here?

  Sophie Chapman : Uh... do you think? It looks a bit...

  Mark Corrigan : Yeah sure.

  [voiceover] 

  Mark Corrigan : No! No, I don't know what your inexpressible criteria are. Why don't you tell me the secret fucking formula?

  Sophie Chapman : Why not go back to the place with the weird menus?

  Mark Corrigan : Oh, back? No no, we can't go back, we've got to push on, push on to Moscow. I'll just see if, there might be something in one of the guides.

  Sophie Chapman : Oh Mark, put away the guides, I want to have a real experience, I want to go to the places no one goes.

  Mark Corrigan : Yeah, well I think there's probably a reason why no one goes to the places no one goes, they're overpriced and have poor service.

  Sophie Chapman : Oh, Mark! Will you just try and leave the guides out of it and try and experience this bloody town!

  [she grabs the guidebook off him and puts it into a postbox] 

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Oh great, she's posted a book. And I suppose I'm supposed to find that incredibly charming and French. Well it's not, it's a waste of £8.99. But I've got to grin and take it because it's the proposal weekend.

• Jeremy Usborne : Did she say where she was?

  Mark Corrigan : She thought she might be near a big rock.

  Jeremy Usborne : [sarcastically]  Oh great, well, that should be simple enough.

  Mark Corrigan : That's what I was gonna say, then I thought, you know, a bit more comforting and Des Lynam now, I can be all Jimmy Carr about it later.

• Mark Corrigan : We should just keep going, we're bound to hit something soon and we should probably hurry because Sophie said there might be a bit of a thunderstorm coming in.

  Jeremy Usborne : Oh great, so we have no idea where we are and there might be a storm coming in and we haven't got any stuff and... Brilliant! We're dead meat.

  Mark Corrigan : This isn't the Matterhorn, Jeremy, it's the Quantocks, nobody dies in the Quantocks. If we're very unlucky we might have wandered onto Exmoor, but...

  Jeremy Usborne : Exmoor? The moors? The barren moors, the moors murderers? We could easily die on a moor! Give me your phone.

  Mark Corrigan : Why?

  Jeremy Usborne : I'm gonna call Mountain Rescue.

  Mark Corrigan : No.

  Jeremy Usborne : That's what they're there for.

  Mark Corrigan : We're not calling Moutain Rescue, we're not gonna be two of those idiots you hear about who go up mountains in flip-flops and sombreros and have to get rescued.

  Jeremy Usborne : What, you'd rather be one of the idiots they find frozen to death, being chewed by badgers, drinking their own piss?

  Mark Corrigan : You can't call Mountain Rescue anyway, this isn't a mountain, it's a hill.

  Jeremy Usborne : Oh right, they're gonna leave me to die because I haven't got a geography degree? You'd prefer that, wouldn't you, to die rather than to ask for a simple piece of help. We are so going to die.

  Mark Corrigan : Will you please stop saying that?

• Jeremy Usborne : So, listen mate, about this whole you asking Sophie to get married, I mean, it's brilliant and everything, but I was just wondering, have you considered, like, not doing it?

  Mark Corrigan : Not doing it? But that's what this whole weekend's been about. I saved for three months for the mega-deal vouchers.

  Jeremy Usborne : No, obviously, and after all that clipping you're going to want something to show for it, like a wife. But... is it really a good idea?

  Mark Corrigan : I dunno, I kind of assumed it was because I spend all my time thinking about it. I'm obsessed with it.

  Jeremy Usborne : Ah yeah, but you see, Super Hans is obsessed with crack and poppers and dusting his knob with speed but it doesn't make it right, does it? I mean, what is it about her you actually love?

  Mark Corrigan : Are you kidding? Everything! Her... you know... I mean, she has changed a bit lately, but we had this connection.

  Jeremy Usborne : Right.

  Mark Corrigan : Which, admittedly, is kind of going, but, you know, she's funny. Although now I wonder whether she really was funny or whether she was just being normal but I liked her so much I thought she was funny.

  Jeremy Usborne : Oh yeah. I know that one.

  Mark Corrigan : Plus, when I was at the height of Sophie madness it was when, you know, watching her across a hot photocopier, the little looks, the funny doodles.

  Jeremy Usborne : Before you really had a relationship.

  Mark Corrigan : Exactly. It's almost like the more we've gotten to know each other, the worse it's been.

  [pauses] 

  Mark Corrigan : I mean, we really have almost nothing in common.

  Jeremy Usborne : Well, maybe that's a sign?

  Mark Corrigan : Oh my God, I... I don't have to marry her. Jez, I'm not going to ask her to marry me! There might even be other women in the country who are willing to speak to me and now I can go out and find them! Or just give up on women and eat toasted sandwiches and watch TV!

  Jeremy Usborne : Oh, don't give up on women, mate. I mean, there's she-males, hookers, Thai Brides, all God's rich tapestry.