- Jeremy Usborne: [speaking at his uncle's funeral] Uh, yeah, I spent some time with Ray before he went and I just wanted to say that I think we should all remember that Ray, by the end, he loved Jesus. Now, I know, Liz, there's no proof for Jesus, but then there's no proof for lots of things, like science or the stock market and we believe in them. Look, what I'm trying to say is that if I was dying and I decided that even though I'd never particularly been into, say, Enya before but that now I really, really was into Enya and that in fact, I thought Enya was great and that Enya died for our sins and I wanted an Enya themed funeral with pictures of Enya and lots and lots of mentions of Enya, then I think it would be a bit bloody rich for my sister to ban all mention of Enya from my funeral. Yeah?
- Toni: My dad died when I was 3 but I haven't let it screw me up. I don't waste my life looking for a man to fill a dad-shaped hole.
- [she opens her front door to meet her date, a silver-haired middle-aged man]
- Sophie Chapman: Moments like this really make you realise how short life is, you know?
- Mark Corrigan: Right. One minute we're alive, the next we're dead.
- Sophie Chapman: Sometimes, we're so wrapped up in the nonsense of life.
- Mark Corrigan: Right, yeah. I mean, if I want an Xbox, why don't I just get an Xbox?
- [Jeremy is visiting his terminally ill uncle in a hospice]
- Jeremy Usborne: Good to see you, Uncle Ray. What have you been up to?
- Uncle Ray: Well, mostly I've been lying in bed taking painkillers.
- Jeremy Usborne: Right. Cool.
- [voiceover]
- Jeremy Usborne: Jesus, that wasn't a very friendly joke. At least I came.
- [while kissing Sophie]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Oh my God, um... What about my abnormal knackers? Oh this is nice. How weird are they? What I really need is a good long look at another man's bollocks, but that's so fraught with potential problems.
- [Mark is having his testicles examined by a nurse]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Oh, I hope I don't... no leaping to attention, Captain Corrigan. I mean, anyone would say she's an attractive woman. She should have to wear a mask for this kind of thing. Reagan or Batman or... actually she'd look pretty horny as Batman... Jesus, no, don't!
- [Jeremy has gotten Toni to give him a handjob by pretending he's been diagnosed with a terminal illness]
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Oh, I am gonna feel so low just as soon as this is over.
- Sophie Chapman: [they're playing the board game "Risk"] Jeremy, it's your go, isn't it?
- Jeremy Usborne: [watching a porn video] Uh, whatever. Carry on, I just want to rewind this bit.
- Mark Corrigan: Do you have to? We're trying to play a game.
- Jeremy Usborne: Mark, I gave you the choice. It's either Tom and Barbara being nice or Gloria and Mitzi being nasty.
- Mark Corrigan: Well, if you don't want your go, I'll take mine. I'm attacking Irkutsk.
- Jeremy Usborne: Fine, whatever. Can't you get it into your tiny, closed-off little mind that I just don't give a flying fuck?
- Mark Corrigan: Yeah, well, you will when I take Asia.
- [Mark finds Jeremy passed out on the lounge floor, he sees an empty paracetamol bottle and thinks he's taken an overdose]
- Mark Corrigan: No! Don't be dead, mate! Shit, no, oh God, no! In front of...
- [he looks at the TV, it's showing an episode of Tenko, the WWII Japanese POW camp drama]
- Mark Corrigan: Tenko. That was probably the last straw.