- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] If he hangs himself over this, I could put an orange in his mouth and say it was a fatal wanking accident.
- Jeremy Usborne: But, you two? This is never gonna work! You don't know him, you don't know anything about him! How does he like his toast?
- Johnson: He likes it in a business class seat of a Virgin Atlantic flight to New York City.
- Jeremy Usborne: Wrong! He likes one brown with Marmite and one white with lime marmalade.
- [he stick up his middle finger]
- Jeremy Usborne: [Watching the music video for "Russians" by Sting] Do you think he really wondered, Sting, if the Russians loved their children too?
- Mark Corrigan: No, it's a rhetorical question. You know, like "Can you feel the force?" or "Do they know its Christmas?"
- Jeremy Usborne: I'm not so sure. He really seems to be sincerely hoping that the Russians love their children too, which I think is a little bit patronising.
- [Jeremy and Super Hans are in the flat, in the aftermath of a drug binge]
- Jeremy Usborne: What happened?
- Super Hans: That will probably become clear later, like the French Revolution.
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] No more drugs. I don't need drugs. I mean, what great music was ever made on drugs? Bowie, obviously. The Floyd, The Prodge, Aphex, the list is endless really.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Look at me, friends with a big black businessman like it's the most natural thing in the world. If he got accused of a crime he hadn't committed I could come to his aid.
- [At a sushi restaurant]
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] This could be good, just like the old days. Play it cool, don't slag off Johnson, yet.
- Mark Corrigan: Johnson told me about it. Apparentely, according to Johnson, wasabi sauce is...
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh, Johnson says, Johnson says! If you love Johnson that much, why don't you marry him?
- Mark Corrigan: Where did this come from all of a sudden?
- Jeremy Usborne: Why don't you actually screw him? I mean, since you clearly want to do that, why don't you?
- Mark Corrigan: Jeremy! Look, I've nothing against being gay, but I'm not and neither is Johnson. He's black, in case you hadn't noticed, which I expect you had.
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh, so just because he's black, I have to like him? Do I? That's political correctness gone mad! Look, Mark, I'm sorry...
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Jesus, I'm probably just the sort of person who'd be gay and repress it even to himself!
- Johnson: [to Jeremy] You really are a bitter loser, aren't you, Mr No Logo, Mr Work a Day for World Peace?
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Don't screw up. No screw-ups. Got to impress.
- Johnson: So Mr Corrigan, we've examined your loan application and I just have one question for you. Are you a pathetic, worthless punk?
- Mark Corrigan: Er, well, no.
- Johnson: Oh, right. Because I'm going to turn you down as if you were a hippy parasite.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Oh, yes. Yeah, I like it.
- Johnson: Then I'm going to make you feel like you're a turkey fucker. Why? Because I'm the big man and you're a shitheel, right?
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Brilliant. That is just so spot on.
- [Johnson turns and it is revealed they are doing a role playing exercise in front of Mark's coworkers]
- Johnson: Or, I could treat Mr Corrigan like a valued and respected customer, and we'd both end up winners. Isn't that right, Mr Corrigan?
- Mark Corrigan: Right. Absolutely! Dead right.
- [They shake hands and receive a round of applause]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Alan Johnson. I'm in love. I'm in love with you, Johnson.
- Jeremy Usborne: [about politicians] They should be more honest. I mean, at least Tony Adams from the IRA, he's like, "Yeah, I shoot people. I like shooting people." You know, if they were more honest, then maybe people would vote and not switch straight over when the news comes on.
- Johnson: You turn over when the news comes on?
- Jeremy Usborne: No, no. No, sometimes... maybe for a treat but generally it's great, isn't it? Who do you support? Mark likes Israel, I'm Palestine. Makes it more interesting when you a pick a... No?
- Mark Corrigan: I could have a little thing going there with Sophie actually.
- Johnson: Yeah? Well, my advice is keep it little.
- Mark Corrigan: Yeah?
- Johnson: Women. I mean, does a balance sheet ever come crying and saying that it needs some time to think about things? A business doesn't say it loves you then run off with a buddy. I mean, take a look at her, mate. Take a good, hard look at her. What do you see? What do you actually see in her, compared to, say, a supermodel like Gisele? Or any of the other supermodels?
- Mark Corrigan: She's... I think she's very... pretty.
- Johnson: Come on, look at her arse. Is that the best arse you're ever going to get? Do you stick on that arse? Come on, admit it. She's got a fat arse.
- [Mark hesitates]
- Johnson: Say it!
- Mark Corrigan: Well, she's... Maybe it is a bit... nice, but in a sense...
- Mark Corrigan: I really need to pick up my laptop from the IT guy before Johnson gets here.
- Jeremy Usborne: I could... drive you.
- Mark Corrigan: What?
- Jeremy Usborne: Well, he gave you the keys.
- Mark Corrigan: No, he forgot the keys after the pub, then he called to put me in charge of the keys until such time as he reclaims the keys.
- Jeremy Usborne: It's probably an initiative test. Will you walk like some kind of stupid duck or will you drive like... Clarkson?
- Jeremy Usborne: [lying groggily on the sofa] Super Hans... what are we doing?
- Super Hans: [sitting on the floor, rolling a joint] We are looking the other end of the telescope.
- Jeremy Usborne: I don't feel very well. Did something bad happen?
- Super Hans: Everything's OK. Look, there two basic energies in the world - stress and relaxation.
- Jeremy Usborne: Did I break through?
- Super Hans: No idea. You passed out after the love beans. I thought the table was being ironic.
- Sophie Chapman: Quite a seminar. You know Barbara went home crying.
- Johnson: Hey, I'm just a doctor, I didn't make the needles sharp.
- Sophie Chapman: It's not a wig, Alan, that's actually her hair.
- Mark Corrigan: You've got to admit, Soph, she was asking a lot of questions.
- Sophie Chapman: Yeah, well I just thought you two big kahunas should know.
- Johnson: Yeah, whatever.
- [Sophie walks off]
- Mark Corrigan: See you!
- Johnson: Je-sus, some people. You point them to a lift and they're like "No thanks, I'm fine with the stairs."
- Super Hans: We are gonna have parties in this place that go beyond fun and actually get really, really nasty.
- Sophie Chapman: Uh, Mark, I just wanted to say about the lift...
- Mark Corrigan: 8:15 sharp?
- Sophie Chapman: Yeah. It's just, the thing is, I forgot about Debbie's chair, the wheelchair.
- Mark Corrigan: Yeah?
- Sophie Chapman: Yeah, and I think it'll take up quite a bit of room. And Dave's been helping her, so I said to him...
- Mark Corrigan: I mean, I could... help.
- Sophie Chapman: Yeah... yeah, sure. It's just Dave's been... you know.
- Mark Corrigan: Oh, yeah. Totally. Absolutely.
- [voiceover]
- Mark Corrigan: Dave's the saint. Nothing must unseat Dave.
- Mark Corrigan: But, the relocation thing, moving out on Jeremy... It feels a bit weird, Dad.
- [voiceover]
- Mark Corrigan: Shit!
- Johnson: Sorry?
- Mark Corrigan: It feels weird, Daddio.
- [voiceover]
- Mark Corrigan: Good save.
- Super Hans: [about Mark] So, when's the Iron Duke moving out?
- Jeremy Usborne: Um, I dunno. Maybe a few weeks. I mean, nothing's really decided yet.
- Super Hans: Tell you what, as a fucking-off present, why don't we spike him?
- Jeremy Usborne: Yeah. Or maybe get him a nice watch or...
- Super Hans: Yeah, he'll be like "Oh, I couldn't make the meeting today, boss. I gotta fax me soul off to God, for an upgrade."
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Good old, unfriendly Mr Patel. Never says a word, whether you're buying cornflakes, fabric softener, or gay porn.
- [Mark watches a gay porn video]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] There's nothing to be afraid of. It was very popular with the Romans and they got a lot done.
- Johnson: Phony Tony, I call him. The thing about this government, it's all spin. It's all smoke and mirrors.
- Mark Corrigan: I totally agree, I couldn't agree more.
- Johnson: And the way he licks Bush's arse.
- Mark Corrigan: It's pathetic!
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] There's probably much less to worry about with gay sex. I mean, you know where you are with a cock.
- Mark Corrigan: [sitting in Johnson's BMW] This doesn't feel right.
- Jeremy Usborne: This is so right.
- Mark Corrigan: But I can't drive.
- Jeremy Usborne: Yes, you can. All you have to do is believe. Driving is bullshit.
- Mark Corrigan: [starting the car] Oh. My. God.
- Jeremy Usborne: Now, just very, very slowly take your foot off the clutch and just tickle the accelerator, OK?
- Mark Corrigan: OK... OK... OK. Look at me go! I'm driving! Look at me driving, Jez!
- Jeremy Usborne: You're driving! Very slowly in first gear.
- Mark Corrigan: Yeah! Oh yeah, come on! I'm driving! I'm Johnson! Driving is bullshit, I'm Johnson!