Peep Show (TV Series)

Mark Makes a Friend (2003)

Robert Webb: Jeremy Usborne

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jeremy Usborne : But, you two? This is never gonna work! You don't know him, you don't know anything about him! How does he like his toast?

  Johnson : He likes it in a business class seat of a Virgin Atlantic flight to New York City.

  Jeremy Usborne : Wrong! He likes one brown with Marmite and one white with lime marmalade.

  [he stick up his middle finger] 

• Jeremy Usborne : [Watching the music video for "Russians" by Sting]  Do you think he really wondered, Sting, if the Russians loved their children too?

  Mark Corrigan : No, it's a rhetorical question. You know, like "Can you feel the force?" or "Do they know its Christmas?"

  Jeremy Usborne : I'm not so sure. He really seems to be sincerely hoping that the Russians love their children too, which I think is a little bit patronising.

• [Jeremy and Super Hans are in the flat, in the aftermath of a drug binge] 

  Jeremy Usborne : What happened?

  Super Hans : That will probably become clear later, like the French Revolution.

• Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  No more drugs. I don't need drugs. I mean, what great music was ever made on drugs? Bowie, obviously. The Floyd, The Prodge, Aphex, the list is endless really.

• [At a sushi restaurant] 

  Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  This could be good, just like the old days. Play it cool, don't slag off Johnson, yet.

  Mark Corrigan : Johnson told me about it. Apparentely, according to Johnson, wasabi sauce is...

  Jeremy Usborne : Oh, Johnson says, Johnson says! If you love Johnson that much, why don't you marry him?

  Mark Corrigan : Where did this come from all of a sudden?

  Jeremy Usborne : Why don't you actually screw him? I mean, since you clearly want to do that, why don't you?

  Mark Corrigan : Jeremy! Look, I've nothing against being gay, but I'm not and neither is Johnson. He's black, in case you hadn't noticed, which I expect you had.

  Jeremy Usborne : Oh, so just because he's black, I have to like him? Do I? That's political correctness gone mad! Look, Mark, I'm sorry...

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Jesus, I'm probably just the sort of person who'd be gay and repress it even to himself!

• Jeremy Usborne : [about politicians]  They should be more honest. I mean, at least Tony Adams from the IRA, he's like, "Yeah, I shoot people. I like shooting people." You know, if they were more honest, then maybe people would vote and not switch straight over when the news comes on.

  Johnson : You turn over when the news comes on?

  Jeremy Usborne : No, no. No, sometimes... maybe for a treat but generally it's great, isn't it? Who do you support? Mark likes Israel, I'm Palestine. Makes it more interesting when you a pick a... No?

• Mark Corrigan : I really need to pick up my laptop from the IT guy before Johnson gets here.

  Jeremy Usborne : I could... drive you.

  Mark Corrigan : What?

  Jeremy Usborne : Well, he gave you the keys.

  Mark Corrigan : No, he forgot the keys after the pub, then he called to put me in charge of the keys until such time as he reclaims the keys.

  Jeremy Usborne : It's probably an initiative test. Will you walk like some kind of stupid duck or will you drive like... Clarkson?

• Jeremy Usborne : [lying groggily on the sofa]  Super Hans... what are we doing?

  Super Hans : [sitting on the floor, rolling a joint]  We are looking the other end of the telescope.

  Jeremy Usborne : I don't feel very well. Did something bad happen?

  Super Hans : Everything's OK. Look, there two basic energies in the world - stress and relaxation.

  Jeremy Usborne : Did I break through?

  Super Hans : No idea. You passed out after the love beans. I thought the table was being ironic.

• Jeremy Usborne : [garroting Super Hans with dental floss]  Floss is boss!

• Super Hans : [about Mark]  So, when's the Iron Duke moving out?

  Jeremy Usborne : Um, I dunno. Maybe a few weeks. I mean, nothing's really decided yet.

  Super Hans : Tell you what, as a fucking-off present, why don't we spike him?

  Jeremy Usborne : Yeah. Or maybe get him a nice watch or...

  Super Hans : Yeah, he'll be like "Oh, I couldn't make the meeting today, boss. I gotta fax me soul off to God, for an upgrade."

• Mark Corrigan : [sitting in Johnson's BMW]  This doesn't feel right.

  Jeremy Usborne : This is so right.

  Mark Corrigan : But I can't drive.

  Jeremy Usborne : Yes, you can. All you have to do is believe. Driving is bullshit.

  Mark Corrigan : [starting the car]  Oh. My. God.

  Jeremy Usborne : Now, just very, very slowly take your foot off the clutch and just tickle the accelerator, OK?

  Mark Corrigan : OK... OK... OK. Look at me go! I'm driving! Look at me driving, Jez!

  Jeremy Usborne : You're driving! Very slowly in first gear.

  Mark Corrigan : Yeah! Oh yeah, come on! I'm driving! I'm Johnson! Driving is bullshit, I'm Johnson!