Peep Show (TV Series)

Mark Makes a Friend (2003)

Paterson Joseph: Alan Johnson

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jeremy Usborne : But, you two? This is never gonna work! You don't know him, you don't know anything about him! How does he like his toast?

  Johnson : He likes it in a business class seat of a Virgin Atlantic flight to New York City.

  Jeremy Usborne : Wrong! He likes one brown with Marmite and one white with lime marmalade.

  [he stick up his middle finger] 

• Johnson : [to Jeremy]  You really are a bitter loser, aren't you, Mr No Logo, Mr Work a Day for World Peace?

• Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Don't screw up. No screw-ups. Got to impress.

  Johnson : So Mr Corrigan, we've examined your loan application and I just have one question for you. Are you a pathetic, worthless punk?

  Mark Corrigan : Er, well, no.

  Johnson : Oh, right. Because I'm going to turn you down as if you were a hippy parasite.

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Oh, yes. Yeah, I like it.

  Johnson : Then I'm going to make you feel like you're a turkey fucker. Why? Because I'm the big man and you're a shitheel, right?

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Brilliant. That is just so spot on.

  [Johnson turns and it is revealed they are doing a role playing exercise in front of Mark's coworkers] 

  Johnson : Or, I could treat Mr Corrigan like a valued and respected customer, and we'd both end up winners. Isn't that right, Mr Corrigan?

  Mark Corrigan : Right. Absolutely! Dead right.

  [They shake hands and receive a round of applause] 

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Alan Johnson. I'm in love. I'm in love with you, Johnson.

• Jeremy Usborne : [about politicians]  They should be more honest. I mean, at least Tony Adams from the IRA, he's like, "Yeah, I shoot people. I like shooting people." You know, if they were more honest, then maybe people would vote and not switch straight over when the news comes on.

  Johnson : You turn over when the news comes on?

  Jeremy Usborne : No, no. No, sometimes... maybe for a treat but generally it's great, isn't it? Who do you support? Mark likes Israel, I'm Palestine. Makes it more interesting when you a pick a... No?

• Mark Corrigan : I could have a little thing going there with Sophie actually.

  Johnson : Yeah? Well, my advice is keep it little.

  Mark Corrigan : Yeah?

  Johnson : Women. I mean, does a balance sheet ever come crying and saying that it needs some time to think about things? A business doesn't say it loves you then run off with a buddy. I mean, take a look at her, mate. Take a good, hard look at her. What do you see? What do you actually see in her, compared to, say, a supermodel like Gisele? Or any of the other supermodels?

  Mark Corrigan : She's... I think she's very... pretty.

  Johnson : Come on, look at her arse. Is that the best arse you're ever going to get? Do you stick on that arse? Come on, admit it. She's got a fat arse.

  [Mark hesitates] 

  Johnson : Say it!

  Mark Corrigan : Well, she's... Maybe it is a bit... nice, but in a sense...

• Sophie Chapman : Quite a seminar. You know Barbara went home crying.

  Johnson : Hey, I'm just a doctor, I didn't make the needles sharp.

  Sophie Chapman : It's not a wig, Alan, that's actually her hair.

  Mark Corrigan : You've got to admit, Soph, she was asking a lot of questions.

  Sophie Chapman : Yeah, well I just thought you two big kahunas should know.

  Johnson : Yeah, whatever.

  [Sophie walks off] 

  Mark Corrigan : See you!

  Johnson : Je-sus, some people. You point them to a lift and they're like "No thanks, I'm fine with the stairs."

• Mark Corrigan : But, the relocation thing, moving out on Jeremy... It feels a bit weird, Dad.

  [voiceover] 

  Mark Corrigan : Shit!

  Johnson : Sorry?

  Mark Corrigan : It feels weird, Daddio.

  [voiceover] 

  Mark Corrigan : Good save.

• Johnson : Phony Tony, I call him. The thing about this government, it's all spin. It's all smoke and mirrors.

  Mark Corrigan : I totally agree, I couldn't agree more.

  Johnson : And the way he licks Bush's arse.

  Mark Corrigan : It's pathetic!