Peep Show (TV Series)

Warring Factions (2003)

Robert Webb: Jeremy Usborne

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Mark pulls back the duvet on his bed to find a bloody mess of raw sausages and bacon spelling the word "JUDAS"] 

  Jeremy Usborne : What's the matter? I thought you liked pork.

  Mark Corrigan : How did... what does it mean?

  Jeremy Usborne : It means "omertà". It means "rewengay".

  Mark Corrigan : Look, I'm sorry, OK? I'm sorry I humiliated you in front of Toni.

  Jeremy Usborne : Don't think I can't see you, Mark. Trying to get a slice of my action because Sophie the office girl won't put out.

  Mark Corrigan : Oh right, the gloves are off, are they? Well then, perhaps it's best you do know what I think of your music.

  Jeremy Usborne : Well, let's have some more truth, shall we? Yeah? Yeah? Cos the truth is, you're a posh spaz!

  Mark Corrigan : Oh, really? Well, I'd love to know in way I am a posh spaz!

  Jeremy Usborne : In the way that you're always doing posh spazzy things like tidying up and ironing your socks.

  Mark Corrigan : I do not iron my socks!

  Jeremy Usborne : Socks, shirt, whatever!

• Super Hans : So, you got our track?

  Jeremy Usborne : Er, no. I've been thinking, I'm not sure. I think maybe it's shit.

  Super Hans : Whoa! Hold it, cowboy. Rewind, wash it. The track's shit? Jez, the track's THE shit!

  Jeremy Usborne : It's just I found Mark laughing at it.

  Super Hans : Oh what, so Mister fucking ocean colour pants don't get it? Well, quelle fucking surprise.

  Jeremy Usborne : Plus he was doing it in front of Toni.

  Super Hans : Mate, you gotta get some rewengay. He broke omertà.

  Jeremy Usborne : You think?

  Super Hans : Listen, the whole industry is run by suits like your mate.

  Jeremy Usborne : Do you think that's why we haven't got a deal yet?

  Super Hans : Course it is, they're all a bunch of Marks, ain't they? Sitting behind their big marble desks, ties done up to eleven, clicking their fingers to the fucking Lighthouse Family, getting their dick sucked by a big Alsatian dog.

  Jeremy Usborne : Yeah?

  Super Hans : They're all perverts, mate. All in with each other. It's not who you know, it's who you blow.

• Jeremy Usborne : So, Toni's friends. Who, what, why, where?

  Toni : Well, that's the fun, I don't know anyone! These are our neighbours.

  Mark Corrigan : Neighbours?

  Toni : Why, did you think I was going to invite my friends? I tell you, you find out who your real friends are when you set fire to Hampton Court maze because you can't take any more of your husband's shit.

• Super Hans : Pint of Guinness, please. No logo on the foam.

  Jeremy Usborne : No logo on the foam?

  Super Hans : You don't buy into all that one, do ya? What, the old "Oo, I've got a clover in me foam, I'm so important." No, what you're doing there is you're drinking an advert, ain't ya, eh, shithead?

• [they're playing the game where people have names of famous people on notes stick to their foreheads and they have to guess who it is] 

  Toni : Hey Jeremy, have you worked out your...

  Jeremy Usborne : [his one is David Blunkett]  Oh, don't even go there. It is literally impossible. Turns out I'm just someone's secretary.

  Mark Corrigan : The *Home* Secretary, Jeremy, you're the Home Secretary.

• [an old lady at the party is still trying to find out who the name on her forehead is, it's the one that Jeremy wrote: "Cockmuncher"] 

  Neighbour : Is it Jamie Oliver?

  Jeremy Usborne : Look, you're a cockmuncher, OK?

• Jeremy Usborne : What's the big deal? So I didn't give him the number for Dr. Tang. She's got leukaemia! Sticking a few needles in her face at 50 quid a pop is not gonna fix that!

• Jeremy Usborne : We're just gradually sliding into a fuck buddy scenario.

  Mark Corrigan : Fuck buddy?

  Jeremy Usborne : Yeah. A buddy you can fuck. I mean, we're both so relaxed about the whole sex thing. Last time I was round there we watched a porno. 4 in the afternoon, just me and her, watching a porno. I mean, that's me. I'm just not ready for the kind of thing you're after, the whole... someone to go to Waitrose with.

  Mark Corrigan : Yeah, I suppose.

  [voiceover] 

  Mark Corrigan : I don't want to go to Waitrose, I want a fuck buddy.

  Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  I wish I was her fuck buddy next door. We could do it through the wall.

  [to Mark] 

  Jeremy Usborne : How thick is wall?

  Mark Corrigan : Depends.

• Mark Corrigan : I need to find out for a friend the name of that Chinese doctor she was raving about. Can you remember?

  Jeremy Usborne : Sure.

  [Mark starts writing on a piece of paper] 

  Jeremy Usborne : It was Dr Ying Fu Yip, Wang Shong...

  [Mark stops writing and looks at Jeremy] 

  Jeremy Usborne : Pang Fang Wang Dang Dong Ning Po Ku.

  Mark Corrigan : Oh, right. I see, I get it. You were lampooning me. It was a simple lampoon.

• Jeremy Usborne : You're an animal Corrigan. You have to keep your tie done up to eleven, otherwise all this grey ugly office envy sludge will just spill out and drown you and... and you've got weird nuts!

  Mark Corrigan : What? How did you...?

  Jeremy Usborne : If you're going to watch the TV in your dressing gown, you might want to put some pants on.

• Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  I'm almost definitely a musical genius.