- [Abby is rambling while talking with Gibbs]
- Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'd hate to start smacking you like I do DiNozzo.
- Abby Sciuto: [mildly hurt] You wouldn't!
- [Gibbs nods pointedly at her]
- Abby Sciuto: You would?
- Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It won't be on the head.
- Ziva David: [referring to Tony] Is he always this juvenile?
- Timothy McGee: Only on the days of the week ending with the word "day."
- Abby Sciuto: Gibbs, it might not be rigged with a bomb, per se... I love saying "per se." It's one of those phrases no one really knows what it means, but you use it anyway, 'cause... Am I off topic again?
- Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Bigtime.
- Special Agent Ziva David: Just to be clear, are there any more of these "rules" I should be aware of?
- Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: About fifty of them.
- Special Agent Ziva David: [disbelieving chuckle] And I don't suppose they're written down anywhere that I could...?
- Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.
- Special Agent Ziva David: [getting angry] Then how am I supposed to...?
- Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: My job is to teach them to you.
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: [referring to Ziva's driving] Let's just say it's an acquired taste, like regurgitated lunch.
- Special Agent Ziva David: [on Gibbs] It takes him a while to warm up to people, huh?
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Want to know the secret about getting on his good side?
- Special Agent Ziva David: Of course.
- [Tony fishes his cell phone out of his soda, where Gibbs dropped it]
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Me, too.
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: [as they're entering a car] That's original McGee. Is there any part of your brain that's original?
- Timothy McGee: At least I have one, Tony.
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: What's that supposed to mean?
- [puts the key in the ignition]
- Timothy McGee: Nothing.
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: We're not going anywhere.
- Timothy McGee: [exhales] What? Until I apologize?
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: No! Not until you apologize.
- [gets out of the car and looks around the lot]
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: We're in the wrong damn car!
- Abby Sciuto: Good news and bad news, Gibbs. Good news is I'm still cute. Bad news, the bomb squad got a little trigger happy.
- [holds up the remains of the box]
- Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: They blew up the metal box.
- Abby Sciuto: Do you have any idea what's beyond smithereens?
- Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not a clue.
- Abby Sciuto: Me neither. That's what we've got.
- Cmdr. Robert Morris: Officially, Petty Officer Smith is always on time, he's never missed a day of work...
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: I'm more interested in unofficially.
- Cmdr. Robert Morris: It's not in my nature to be disparaging, Agent DiNozzo.
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Well, I have a dead sailor on a table at NCIS, so please, disparage away.
- Cmdr. Robert Morris: I guess you could say Petty Officer Smith is not the brightest sailor that I've ever commanded. Now that I say it out loud, I realize that could very well be the reason someone found it so easy to steal his identity.
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Can you think of any reason why someone would want to impersonate him?
- Cmdr. Robert Morris: God, no, Agent DiNozzo. God, no!
- Timothy McGee: Okay, the dead guy downstairs who we thought was impersonating Petty Officer Jerry Smith is actually the real Petty Officer Jerry Smith. And the Jerry Smith Tony and Ziva talked to in Norfolk turns out to be the fake Jerry Smith, and it's confusing.
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Kind of like "the pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle"?
- [no reaction]
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: "The chalice from the palace has the brew that is true"?
- [again, no reaction]
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: "Court Jester"? Danny Kaye? Come on, guys. It's a classic.
- [Gibbs thumps Tony on the forehead]
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Thank you, boss.
- Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Who is he, McGee?
- Timothy McGee: John Kirby. We lifted his prints from his desk at Norfolk.
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: His empty desk. He didn't report for duty today.
- Timothy McGee: He and Smith had overlapping tours at Jacksonville in '02. Kirby was discharged in '03.
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Honorably.
- Timothy McGee: Boss, these guys must have had this planned from the first day of Smith's new assignment.
- Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You think so, McGee? I'm gonna need Kirby's
- Timothy McGee: Address. He lives on West Little Creek. Been there about a year. And the warrant.
- Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo, David, take a ride.
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: You got it, boss.
- Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Get a BOLO out on Kirby with the FBI, local, and state.
- Timothy McGee: Already done, boss.
- Special Agent Ziva David: "BOLO"?
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: "Be on the lookout."
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Hey! Finish that database yet, Probie?
- Timothy McGee: Yesterday.
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Well, it should have been on my desk yesterday, shouldn't it?
- Timothy McGee: I didn't realize a compilation of nudie bars was that urgent.
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Well, it is.
- Timothy McGee: Why?
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: I don't have to explain myself to a junior agent.
- Timothy McGee: Okay. Is this work-related or...?
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: [stands and advances on McGee] But will, just this once! It's a mercy mission, Probie. A buddy of mine is getting married to a particularly unpleasant beast of a woman.
- Timothy McGee: So?
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: So? So, the memory of his bachelor party will be the only thing that sustains him through the rest of his miserable existence.
- Timothy McGee: I will print it out as soon as I'm finished with this.
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: On behalf of men everywhere, we thank you.
- Timothy McGee: [spots Gibbs coming] Uh, Tony?
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: [playing Tetris on his phone] Not now, Probie. I'm almost done with this level.
- [Gibbs closes the phone and takes it from DiNozzo]
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Find out what's in the case yet, boss?
- [Gibbs says nothing and tosses the phone in DiNozzo's pop]
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: It was called "The Transporter".
- Timothy McGee: Didn't see it.
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Cool British guy delivers illegal stuff for a price. Obviously what Smith was doing, and what Kirby was doing, then what you were doing, Probie - only badly.
- Timothy McGee: Hey, I got the case, didn't I?
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: You're missing the point.
- Timothy McGee: How could there possibly be a point?
- Special Agent Ziva David: I think what Agent DiNozzo means is that The Transporter would have gotten the case, gotten the girl, and still have held on to his cappuccino.
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Exactly!
- [the NCIS team arrives at the crime scene]
- Lt. Jody Hampton: Special Agent Gibbs?
- Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: [points] No, he's the older gentleman with the smile on his face.