Mystery Science Theater 3000 (TV Series)

The Sidehackers (1990)

Joel Hodgson: Joel Robinson

Quotes 

• Joel : Well, you guys gotta understand, it's really hard to get a new sport going. It's hard to get the recognition that other sports enjoy. Can you name a few?

  Tom Servo : Uh, kickboxing from the Philippines... uh, tape measure racing...

  Crow T. Robot : And, uh, computations, and Australian rules football.

  Joel : Right, and what do all these sports have in common that sidehacking does not?

  Crow T. Robot : Uh, a rudimentary interest factor?

  Tom Servo : A sense of fair play?

  Crow T. Robot : A small measure of self-esteem?

  Tom Servo : Yeah.

  Joel : Right, these are all really good answers, but the thing I was looking for was terminology. It's impossible to have play-by-play or color commentary without it! So, let's put our heads together and come up with some terminology that really showcases some of the really exciting moves in our sport, sidehacking. Cambot, roll that footage.

  Crow T. Robot : [footage plays, the next lines are voice over]  It looks like the Wesley Brothers out of John Harding starting things briskly with the Fuller Brush Man in a Rumplestiltskin follow-through with a Teenage Coed Prison!

  Tom Servo : Out of Wausau, representing Wisconsin, Mitch and Pitch performing the now famous Yank Me Crank Me!

  Joel : That bright young team, the Allentown Poodles, with their rendition of the Swirly - Oh no, could that have been the Gunkout, Crow?

  Crow T. Robot : Thanks, Joel. I think that was more of a Spinning Love Funnel from those fresh-faced kids of Kankakee Community College...

  Tom Servo : Oh my goodness, it's a lineback, a slowburn and a hop, skip and a gold flame with a Fintoozler and an Itchy Gorilla! AN ITCHY GORILLA!

  Joel : Uh oh, here comes the Big Blue Flamer, followed by Teatime Richard Scarry, the Full Tilt Bozo, Crazy and Just Plain Stupid!

  Crow T. Robot : It's an exciting day, indeed, here at Japanese War Atrocity Park and Pavillion-On-The-Park, but - what's this? Is that the antiquated old papa Baba O'Riley attempting the Teenage Wasteland on the hey-de-hi-de-ho side of the track?

  Tom Servo : From the darker side of the street come the Cap Snaffler, Maynard and Eleanor, Casey's Rolling Pizza and Just Imagine!

  Joel : Meet you on the dark side of the moon, it's the Ghostly Trio, followed by No-Tell Motel, Aspercreme and Death by Chocolate!

  Crow T. Robot : Uh-oh, hold onto your epidermis! It's Deputy Dawg and the Hard-Drinking Soldiers of Fortune attempting the oft-copied Leaky Cheese!

  Tom Servo : Shake me, don't wake me, Crow... Looks like Bad Man and the Costumed Critters of Death are going crinkle-cut and somebody's got to pay... but, uh-oh! Funny Ha-Ha, Funny Strange and the Bad Man and Joe screaming "Hey world, check me out!"

  Joel : Hand me a Hoover, it's Raspberry Commie, the Fruitful Snootful and Hickory Dickory Die attempting a Butterscotch Push with a Frontie-frontie-frontie!

  Crow T. Robot : Ho ho ho! Is that Go-Go the Gorilla with Bloopers, Blunders and Practical Jokes with Starchy Cock-of-the-Walk in their Fintoozler? There's Electra-Woman and Dyna-Girl in the George Barris custom show rod, bravely attempting the Big Buy with a Tommy Tune on the side!

  Tom Servo : I gotta correct you on that, Crow, I think he's attempting a Stinky Guy with a Peter Allen - Uh-oh! That means he'll be disqualified and slapped with a Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich! That could be a problem for our Quentin Crisp, who's expected to deliver a Fighting Aranovich Brother or a God Your Helmet Smells Good...

  Joel : Uh-oh! Here comes Nutsy, the Sidehacking Clown, performing his famous Tension Envelope routine! Don't get too close, 'cuz remember, kids, he who smelt it, dealt it... Let's give him a round of applause as we all pardon his blooper!

  Crow T. Robot : Well, it's been a big day with plenty of sheer gut blow-outs, Juicy Lucies and a Woozle whose name was Peanut... This is Crow and Joel and Tom Servo in the pit.

• Crow T. Robot : [seeing the opening scene of the film, which doesn't exactly fit the whole screen]  Uh... this- this is gonna be hard to watch.

  Joel : Postage Stamp Theater Presents...

  Crow T. Robot : Hey, they shot this with a 3mm camera.

  Tom Servo : I'd like to shoot them with a 3mm Howitzer.

• Luke : Have you ever seen me so happy?

  Joel : [as Rommel]  Yeah, but you didn't know I was watching you.

• Dr. Forrester : Well, Joel, this invention is based on the old slinky train toy I had as a kid. It allows me to be in two places at once, connected by the special bio-tube. Well, it's much too complicated; it would take a scientist to explain it, and I'm simply too mad. Well, what do you think, Joel?

  Joel : Hey, you guys are always stealing my ideas!

  Dr. Forrester : We're monitoring your mind, Joel. Besides, in space, no one can hear you sue!