My Family (TV Series)

Awkward Phase (2000)

Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Quotes 

• Susan : Sometimes you behave as if you don't like the children.

  Ben Harper : I... er... It's not a question of like or dislike. It's a question of fear. I'm... I'm frightened of them. Two extremes, Susan: either they ignore you, which is demeaning, or they turn to you for answers, which is terrifying.

• Ben Harper : Now, my dad... my dad loved to give advice. And I was going out with this girl and I remember he said... he said, "Ben, no matter how beautiful you think she is and no matter how much you're in love with her or perfect she is - if she eats a dodgy piece of fish, she'll end up chucking her guts up like the rest of us!"

• Susan : How can you sit there and eat when things are in such chaos?

  Ben : Strong stomach.

  Susan : Honestly, Ben, I don't understand you.

  Ben : I'm sitting here calmly eating my breakfast while you're breathing at me like an Aberdeen Angus. Of course you don't understand me; you're deranged.

  Susan : First of all, I am not *breathing*, I am expressing myself sub-vocally.

• [last lines] 

  Ben Harper : What are you doing? It's 6:30. Isn't it a little early to be ruining my day?

  Brigitte McKay : I've lost my keys to the surgery.

  Ben Harper : Have you tried searching for them?

  Brigitte McKay : I've tried everything. I've prayed for them, I've asked my spirit guide for them, I've phoned the LPPN - Lost Property Psychic Network. I've even used astral projection and searched three different time zones. Nothing.

  Ben Harper : [pause]  Have you checked your handbag?

  Brigitte McKay : [Brigitte looks in her handbag and finds the keys]  Here they are!

  Ben Harper : Funny, isn't it? It's always the last place you look?

  Brigitte McKay : Thank you, Mr. Harper. With friends like you, who needs animals?

  Ben Harper : Enemies. With friends like me, who needs enemies?

  Brigitte McKay : Don't be silly, Mr. Harper. Nobody needs enemies. That's like saying who needs mosquitoes. Although in a way, mosquitoes are animals, so I suppose we do need them.

  Ben Harper : Brigitte?

  Brigitte McKay : Yeah?

  Ben Harper : Take the day off.

• Ben Harper : You can't throw this away! This is my lucky tie!

  Susan : When was the last time you wore that?

  Ben Harper : Our wedding!

• Susan : I just want to get rid of everything that we haven't worn in at least five years.

  Ben Harper : Oh, really? Susan, I wore this shirt yesterday.

  Susan : Yes... but I just hate that one!

• Ben Harper : Oh, God, Susan! Why, why, why did I become a dentist? No one respects you. No one stops you and slaps you on the back and says 'Good bridgework, mate!' Everyone avoids you at parties because they associate you with pain.

  Susan : Well... Ben, that's not dentistry. That's you.

• Nick Harper : I've fixed your chair.

  Ben Harper : You what?

  Susan : It wasn't broken.

  Nick Harper : Well, I got rid of the squeak.

  Ben Harper : You got rid of the... I like the squeak! I love the squeak! I... I sit in my chair, I hear my squeak and it reminds me that I'm not quite dead!

  Susan : He's in a mood.

  Ben Harper : It's not a mood, it's life! Just leave things alone, Nick! Just please! If it's broken, don't fix it! If it's lying there, don't pick it up! If it's dripping, don't let it flood! But Nick, please don't touch anything anymore!

  Nick Harper : Dad! Relax, man! I'll put the squeak back!

• Janey Harper : You know, I can't believe you're letting a 12-year-old out on a date.

  Susan : Well, like it or not, he's growing up.

  Nick Harper : What? You never let me go out on my own when I was that age!

  Susan : Well, maybe we should have.

  Ben Harper : Yeah, and changed the locks.

• Ben Harper : Sorry, er... w-what is this?

  Brigitte McKay : It's the song of the humpback whale.

  Ben Harper : I don't care if it's the song of the lonely goat herd. Turn it off.

  Brigitte McKay : But it's supposed to be relaxing.

  Ben Harper : Brigitte, this is a dental surgery! You're not meant to be relaxed!

• Susan : And I presume you don't want to know that Mrs Newland rang?

  Ben Harper : My God! Why can't woman ring during office hours?

  Susan : She says you never return her calls.

  Ben Harper : Well, because she's evil.

  Susan : No, she's not.

  Ben Harper : Yes, she is. She keeps losing her dentures and she wants me to make new ones.

  Susan : That *is* your job.

  Ben Harper : That is not the point. How can you lose six pairs of dentures? They're either in your mouth or in a glass. So unless she drank them by mistake, you cannot lose six pairs of dentures!

  Susan : Well, the poor dear didn't lose them this time. They broke when someone sat on them. I hope she wasn't wearing them at the time.

  Ben Harper : [pause]  That image has just ruined my entire evening!

• Ben Harper : I tell you, Susan, sometimes I think things couldn't get worse.

  Susan : Try and look on the bright side, darling.

  Ben Harper : That *is* the bright side - things can always get worse.

  Nick Harper : Hey!

  Ben Harper : I rest my case.

• Susan : Why do you never back me up?

  Ben Harper : Years of experience.

• Susan : I'm off to pottery class. I'm firing my urn tonight. Beautiful, isn't it?

  Ben Harper : Yes, and dinner was lovely.

  Susan : So earthy!

  Ben Harper : So was dinner!

  Susan : Well, I think it's beautiful. Maybe we should get buried in it. Blend our ashes together. That should give you nightmares.

  Ben Harper : You'll probably end up hogging most of the urn, anyway.

• Janey Harper : I wasn't allowed out with a boy until I was 13-and-a-half! And you both followed us to the cinema!

  Susan : That wasn't us!

  Janey Harper : Yeah, right! I asked Charlie for some popcorn and all of a sudden, dad reaches out from behind and offers me some!

  Ben : Still wasn't us!

  Susan : Even if it had been, that was then and this is now.

  Ben : Exactly! We're humans - we're allowed to change.

  Janey Harper : No. You're not.

  Nick Harper : Who are you? What have you done with our real parents?