- [Miss Piggy mistook Gonzo's love letter on her dressing room door for a letter from Kermit]
- Gonzo: [singing] She kissed me... She put her arms around me and she kissed me...
- Miss Piggy: It was a CASE of mistaken identity!
- Gonzo: Oh, hug me Miss Piggy! HOLD me!
- Miss Piggy: I will not hug you, you... TWIT TURKEY!
- Gonzo: Hold my hand, pig of my dreams!
- Miss Piggy: Will you beat it, twerp?
- Gonzo: Just touch me, o hog of my heart!
- Miss Piggy: Here's a touch for ya, wimp buzzard!
- Gonzo: I'm ready!
- [She karate chops him and leaves]
- Gonzo: [singing dazedly] She touched me... She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me...
- Kermit: Uh, Miss Piggy, while I am flattered at this display of affection, allow me to remind you once again that I do not want you.
- Gonzo: [to Kermit] Oh, good, then can I have her?
- [Miss Piggy karate chops both of them at once, one with each hand]
- Miss Piggy: [to audience] That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.
- Miss Piggy: Kermit? That was a low and dirty trick, setting up a date with me and Gonzo. Wasn't it?
- Kermit: Well... Well, Piggy, I suppose it was. Yeah, I'm sorry.
- Miss Piggy: Oh, really? Oh! How sweet of you to apologize so abjectly to your lover pig.
- Kermit: Well, that wasn't exactly an abject apology.
- Miss Piggy: [Gonzo has come up behind Piggy and is nuzzling up to her] GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU JIVE GEEK!
- [to Kermit]
- Miss Piggy: Kermit, now that you've begged for my forgiveness...
- [to Gonzo]
- Miss Piggy: DON'T TOUCH ME, FREAK!
- [to Kermit]
- Miss Piggy: Why don't we just kissy-poo and make up, my darling?
- [to Gonzo]
- Miss Piggy: YOU'RE BREATHING ON ME!
- [to Kermit]
- Miss Piggy: Kissy-kissy?
- Kermit: Uh, well... Well, Piggy, while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you'll understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.
- Gonzo: Oh, then, can I have her?
- Miss Piggy: [Miss Piggy karate chops both of them at once, one with each hand] That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.
- Waldorf: Bravo! Bravo!
- Statler: What are you bravo-ing about?
- Waldorf: That performance! It was first rate.
- Statler: Yes, it was good. But only one act I've ever seen deserved a bravo.
- Waldorf: Oh, really, who was that?
- Statler: Lady Beth Macintosh and her singing parakeet. I'll never forget her closing night at the Palace.
- Waldorf: Really? What happened?
- Statler: Well, she fell into a box of birdseed just before going on stage and she was pecked to death by the parakeet!
- Waldorf: That's a hard act to follow.
- Statler: Yeah, well, I was there and I cried.
- Waldorf: Really? What did you cry?
- Statler: Bravo! Bravo!
- The Newsman: Muppet News Flash! Dateline: Moscow. Sergei Lenovsky, whom the Russians claim is the world's oldest living human, celebrated his 196th birthday yesterday by taking a deep breath. Sergei has 96 children, 150 grandchildren, and 228 great-grandchildren, none of whom visit him. Said his youngest son, Leonid, "He smells funny."
- Miss Piggy: Kermit, my love, I am so sorry about my little temper tantrum. Ol' buzzard beak was driving me crazy!
- Gonzo: [running up and hugging Miss Piggy] You drive ME crazy, Miss Piggy!
- Miss Piggy: You know something, nasty nose? I'm going to send you on a one-way trip TO THE GEEK FARM!
- Gonzo: Send me!
- [Miss Piggy karate-chops Gonzo, then holds up one fist in the air]
- Miss Piggy: Pig power!