- The Newsman: Here's a Muppet news bulletin! Dateline: New Brunswick. Mr. Melvin Cosgrove climbed a thirty-foot-pole and scrambled onto a six-by-six-foot platform. His goal: to break the world's record in flagpole sitting. That was sixteen years ago, and yesterday, his wife started wondering how Cosgrove was doing, especially since he was 84 years old when he started. His wife had climbed the pole this morning and found that he had indeed passed away. As a fitting tribute to her brave husband, Mrs. Cosgrove announced that for the next ten days, she will fly him at half-mast.
- Fozzie Bear: Hey, I wouldn't say that the Great Gonzo is dumb, but when he graduated from school, he didn't get a diploma, he got a pension!