Monk (TV Series)
Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa (2005)
Ted Levine: Captain Leland Stottlemeyer
Photos
Quotes
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Capt. Stottlemeyer : Do you um, know what Ebay is?
Adrian Monk : Ebay, no.
Capt. Stottlemeyer : Good.
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Adrian Monk : [in this scene everybody is handing out presents as secret Santas] Captain.
Capt. Stottlemeyer : Hey.
Adrian Monk : Well, Merry Christmas.
Capt. Stottlemeyer : Oh, you got me!
Adrian Monk : It's an air purifier, for your house.
Capt. Stottlemeyer : Are you saying my house smells?
Adrian Monk : Not your house, but houses... like yours, sometimes get a um, odor, that's a... you know sour, or, or very unpleasant kind of stench of... not your house.
Capt. Stottlemeyer : Thank you, thank you, Monk.
Capt. Stottlemeyer : [captain laughs] Merry Christmas.
Adrian Monk : Merry Christmas.
Adrian Monk : Merry Christmas to you.
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Lt. Randall Disher : [4:28] I was just tuning it up for you. Nice guitar.
Capt. Stottlemeyer : It's Karen's.
Lt. Randall Disher : Are you going to play it?
Capt. Stottlemeyer : We'll see how it goes.
Lt. Randall Disher : I could go home and grab my Gibson and we could jam. I used to have a rock band back in high school. The Randy Disher project.
Capt. Stottlemeyer : That's a good name. How did you come up with that?
Lt. Randall Disher : Um, well, my name's Randy, and then, Disher, and then, project.
Capt. Stottlemeyer : You know, Randy, I really don't jam, I'm more of an old folkie kind of guy,
Lt. Randall Disher : That's cool. That's cool, too. I could just sing harmony.
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[Stottlemeyer takes custody of Frank Prager and releases him from his handcuffs]
Capt. Stottlemeyer : I talked to the D.A. She's gonna offer you a deal. Eight months, plus time served on the assault. Think about it, and you can decide when you get back.
Frank Prager : Where am I going?
Capt. Stottlemeyer : You are released on your own recognizance for two days. Now, I am responsible for you, so don't make me regret it.
[He motions to the end of the hallway, where Charlotte and Dori are waiting for Frank, who looks at Stottlemeyer in surprise]
Frank Prager : [smiles] Go home.
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[the SFPD has come to arrest a suspect who is hiding in a church]
Sister Heather : [30:08] Captain Stottlemeyer, I'm Sister Heather.
Capt. Stottlemeyer : Hi, sister. You know why I'm here, right?
Sister Heather : Yes. He's here; he's in the sanctuary. He's very frightened. You think he tried to murder you?
Capt. Stottlemeyer : Yes, ma'am, I do.
Sister Heather : You obviously have very strong feelings about this.
Capt. Stottlemeyer : You're godda- Yes, I do.
Sister Heather : I just want to make sure that Brad isn't mistreated.
Capt. Stottlemeyer : Brad's not his name.
Sister Heather : You're right, I don't know his real name, but I know the man. He's been working in our outreach program. He's been feeding the hungry and the homeless every night. When they're too tired to come here, he brings food to them.
Capt. Stottlemeyer : Maybe he has a guilty conscience.
Sister Heather : Well, any conscience at all is a rare thing these days. What do you want, captain?
Capt. Stottlemeyer : I want justice.
Sister Heather : Well, he's afraid that you want something else. He's afraid you and the other policemen want...
Capt. Stottlemeyer : Revenge.
Sister Heather : My father once taught me an important lesson: "There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness."
Capt. Stottlemeyer : Your father?
Sister Heather : He's your father, too.
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Capt. Stottlemeyer : You looking forward to our little party, Alice?
Alice Westergren : How long do these things usually last?
Capt. Stottlemeyer : Well last year, Karen and I left at about 2:30 AM and Terry, Detective Chasen, was still standing on a table in his boxer shorts singing "Help Me Rhonda" in Spanish.
Detective Chasen : [putting up a banner] That's a lie! I don't speak Spanish!
Capt. Stottlemeyer : Oh yes, you do!
Alice Westergren : Oh, and someone dropped this off at the front desk.
[hands over the bottle of port]
Capt. Stottlemeyer : [reads the note attached to the bottle] "Captain Leland Stottlemeyer."
[opens the card]
Capt. Stottlemeyer : "Captain Stottlemeyer, thank you for your business. Eastwood Auto Supply."
[to Alice]
Capt. Stottlemeyer : You know what this is, Alice? This is a bribe. Somebody is trying to influence public policy, and I believe it might work.
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Frank Prager : [31:51] I didn't poison anybody, I'm not a killer.
Capt. Stottlemeyer : Oh, right. What about our last date at the parking lot four months ago?
Frank Prager : I wasn't trying to kill you.
Capt. Stottlemeyer : You can't be serious.
Frank Prager : All right. I thought about it. When I got there, I couldn't. I didn't want to become my brother. At the last minute I decided to send you a message.
Capt. Stottlemeyer : A message?
Adrian Monk : My God. Captain, the pattern, was an "M" for "Michael".
Frank Prager : Yeah. It was an "M". How could you miss it?
Capt. Stottlemeyer : How was I supposed to know that was the letter "M"? This guy is the best detective in the free world, he didn't know that was an "M"! What, you couldn't use a spray can like everybody else?
Frank Prager : I just wanted you to think about what you did. Michael was a good kid who got screwed up.
Capt. Stottlemeyer : Wait... you think I don't think about your brother? I think about your brother every damned day of my life. It was him or me, and it still eats me up. I don't need an "M" on a wall to remember something like that. No cop does.