Monk (TV Series)

Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger (2002)

Tony Shalhoub: Adrian Monk

Quotes 

• Adrian Monk : [Monk just walked onto Willie Nelson's bus]  Do you smell something?

  Willie Nelson : No, I don't... and you don't either.

• Sharona Fleming : Ow. Why do I always have to be the victim?

  Adrian Monk : Because the victim usually ends up on the ground, in the dirt. And... I'm me.

• Processing guard : [SPOILER] 

  [a processing guard releases the streaker from jail] 

  Processing guard : Lady Godiva, it's your lucky day. Somebody made your bail. Lucky.

  [the next day, Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are in the park, watching Wendy Maas] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What's she doing here?

  Adrian Monk : I-I asked her to meet me.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Well, do you mind telling me why?

  Adrian Monk : You'll see. Just wait.

  [the streaker is about to jog by. Stottlemeyer spots him and is visibly angered to find that he's been released] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Sone of a bitch. He's back. Lieutenant, call the 23rd. Get a black and white down here ASAP.

  Adrian Monk : Captain, not so fast.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What are you talking about?

  Adrian Monk : I bailed him out last night, and I hired him.

  Lt. Randall Disher : You hired the streaker? To do what?

  [Ms. Mass turns to look at the streaker as he passes by her] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Son of a bitch.

  [Ms. Maas chuckles as the streaker run away] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : She can see.

  Lt. Randall Disher : She can see?

  Adrian Monk : She can see.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Son of a bitch.

• Adrian Monk : Captain, uh, I wouldn't tell that story about your accident to too many people.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Why not?

  Adrian Monk : Well, the hills north of Highway 18 have been closed for two weeks due to brush fires.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Really?

  Adrian Monk : What really happened?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : I was cleaning my gutters and slipped. Fell off the ladder.

  Adrian Monk : Oh.

• [Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are in Stottlemeyer's office] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Close the door.

  [Randy closes the door] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What you are about to see cannot leave this room. The tabloids would pay a million dollars for this videotape. It's from the surveillance camera near the crime scene.

  [Randy presses play on the tape] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : The alley's a dead end. This is the only way in. The side door to the radio station was wired to an alarm, so we know it wasn't opened.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : The bottom line: we can tell for sure who was or was not there.

  [Monk pretends playing the clarinet] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What the hell are you doing?

  [Monk signals to Stottlemeyer to wait a minute] 

  Sharona Fleming : Oh, uh, he's practicing.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Really?

  Sharona Fleming : Willie Nelson invited him to sit in with his band.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Well, he may be live from Folsom Prison. Check this out. Go ahead.

  [Randy presses play on the tape. We see Mrs. Mass pass by the camera as she enters the alleyway on the tape] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Yeah, there goes Mrs. Mass. Tap, tap, tap. She goes into the alley.

  [Sonny Cross passes by the camera] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Fast-forward. And there goes the soon-to-be-late Sonny Cross.

  [Willie Nelson comes running into the alleyway on the tape] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : And there goes Willie Nelson. Nobody else goes in or out. Pretty much a slam dunk.

  Sharona Fleming : Are you gonna arrest him?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : D.A.'s ready to move. I'm waiting for some tests from the lab. Maybe tomorrow.

  [turns to Randy] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Call your mom. Tell her to set the VCR. We're gonna be on the 6:00 news.

  Adrian Monk : Captain, what about the note on the door?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : My videotape trumps your note. Ask any lawyer.

  Adrian Monk : I don't know.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Monk, look. My heroes have been always been cowboys too. It's either "A," the blind woman, who has zero motive, or it's "B," your buddy, the Red-Headed Stranger.

  Lt. Randall Disher : Who had motive, means and opportunity, and was the identified by the only witness at the scene.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : "A" or "B", Monk?

  Adrian Monk : I think it's "C".

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : "C"? What the hell is "C"?

  Adrian Monk : I don't know yet.

• Lt. Randall Disher : Say hello to Sonny Cross. We found this on the front door.

  [Shows the note "J. Cross - Use Side Door" from the front door] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : To lure him into the alley.

  Sharona Fleming : What does the "J" stand for?

  Lt. Randall Disher : His legal name was Jason Cross. Look at this.

  [he uncovers the sheet covering the body] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : Shot one, through the collarbone. Shot two, straight in the back while he was running away. We have a witness, Monk, who heard Willie Nelson and Cross arguing just before the shots were fired. We found the gun over there behind the Dumpster. It's a Webley, a Mark I, .38-caliber. No prints.

  Adrian Monk : An old Webley?

  Lt. Randall Disher : Yes. We can rule out a mugging.

  [Monk puts his left arm forward then outstretches both of his arms and flaps them like a bird] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : What's he doing?

  Sharona Fleming : What are you doing?

  Adrian Monk : The bullet hole in the jacket lines up with the entry wound.

  Lt. Randall Disher : So?

  Adrian Monk : Well, you said they were arguing, but if he was animated, if his hands were up or he was gesturing, then the holes wouldn't match up. No, this man had his hands down at his sides. And he-he wasn't frightened either. He-you say there was an eyewitness?

  Lt. Randall Disher : Well, not exactly an eyewitness.

  [points at Wendy Maas] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : Her name's Wendy Mass. She's been blind since she was 16. She lives in one of those assisted living places up on Mountain View.

  Sharona Fleming : Oh, my God. I know her. I've seen her in the park.

  Adrian Monk : That's your witness?

  Lt. Randall Disher : She said she heard the whole thing.

• [Randy takes Mrs. Mass's statement] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : Now, Mrs. Mass, you said you were taking the bus.

  Wendy Maas : That's right, I was visiting a friend, and-and I missed my stop. I never like to admit it, but it happens. So I got off, and I started to walk. Then I turned down that alley, thinking that I could cut through to 4th Avenue, but it was blocked off.

  [Monk starts to obsess over the unevenly sharpened pencils] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : Well, the alley was a dead...

  Sharona Fleming : Oh, yeah. There was construction. Uh-huh. It's a dead-end.

  Wendy Maas : Dead end. Exactly. So, I started to turn around, and then I heard these two men arguing.

  Adrian Monk : Uh, about what?

  Wendy Maas : I couldn't tell.

  [Monk goes over to the pencil holder and starts to sharpen the three pencils so that they are all sharpened to the same length] 

  Wendy Maas : They were very angry. And then I heard these two shots-Bang. Bang. Well, my heart was pounding and I couldn't move. Then this one man came up to me and he said- "Tell anybody about this and I'll kill you."

  Sharona Fleming : Adrian.

  [Stottlemeyer arrives with his right arm in a sling] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : How's it going?

  Lt. Randall Disher : Miss Mass, this is Captain Stottlemeyer.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Mrs. Mass, how do you do?

  [She gently shakes his left hand] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : He'll be in charge of the case from here on in, thank God.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Good job, Lieutenant.

• Cashier : So, you wanna know about Sonny Cross, hmm?

  [shows a record] 

  Cashier : Well, he managed these guys for a while back in '87 till they fired him.

  Sharona Fleming : Why?

  Cashier : Same reason these guys fired him in '82.

  [shows them another label] 

  Cashier : He was humping the lead singer's wife. That cat had nine lives. Oh, he, uh, he managed these guys for a while as well.

  Adrian Monk : They fired him?

  Cashier : Didn't have a choice. Hard to handle them from the Florida State Penitentiary. Did, uh, two years, I think. Drinking and driving. Apparently, he killed a guy. And now he's been immortalized as the man Willie Nelson shot. Mmm.

  Adrian Monk : You missed one.

  Cashier : I didn't-oh, you're right.

  Sharona Fleming : Are you two related?

  Adrian Monk , Cashier : Why would you say that?