The Mighty Boosh (TV Series)

Tundra (2004)

Julian Barratt: Howard Moon, New Zoo-Keeper

Quotes 

• Vince Noir : Seriously though, you should check out my icy wardrobe.

  Howard Moon : What, the human Coke can?

  Vince Noir : This is the glam rock ski suit!

  Howard Moon : The arctic is no respector of fashion, Vince. You know, never take the tundra lightly. It can drive a man insane. You know what it is about this place, that can get to a man?

  Vince Noir : Not really.

  Howard Moon : Have a look through there, what do you see?

  Vince Noir : [looks through binoculars]  Nothing.

  Howard Moon : Exactly. It's the nothingness... the whiteness... the endless... ness. Stretching on beyond the human imagination. Desolation of the soul. Oh my Gooooooooooood!

  [raps] 

  Howard Moon : Ice floe, nowhere to go / Ice floe, nowhere to go / Lost in the blinding whiteness of the tundraaaaaa / Check him out.

  [Vince dances] 

  Howard Moon : They call him the shrew! Arms in short, then with the claw!

  Vince Noir : I'm little Johnny Frostbite, moving around / Freezing you up, freezing you down / Like an icicle / Coming in your tent in the pink light, scissorbite/

  Vince Noir , Howard Moon : Arctic death!

  Vince Noir : Infinite night!

  Howard Moon : Call me Tundra Boy / Cause I move like an arctic

  Vince Noir , Howard Moon : Lizard!

  Howard Moon : When the blizzard strikes / I disappear like a pipe dream

  Vince Noir , Howard Moon : All that's left is the gleam!

  Howard Moon : On a tent peg

  Vince Noir , Howard Moon : Boosh, Boosh / Stronger than a moose / Don't lock your door or we'll come through your rooftop / Stop, look around, take your mind off the floor / Cause the Boosh is loose / And we're a little bit raaaaw! /Ice floe, nowhere to go / Ice floe, nowhere to go / Lost in the blinding whiteness of the tundraaaa!

  Howard Moon : ...yeah?

  Vince Noir : All right! You proved your point, in song format!

  Howard Moon : Yeah, well maybe you'll take this place a bit more seriously now.

  [gets hit in the face with a snowball] 

• Howard Moon : Imagine the headlines. "Howard Moon"-colon- "Explorer." It's got a ring to it, hasn't it?

  Vince Noir : Colon explorer?

  Howard Moon : You know what I'm saying.

  Vince Noir : I think that's got the wrong ring to it.

• Howard Moon : Day 12... Vince dead. All is lost. So alone... Wind my only friend...

  Wind : [gusty whisper]  I hate youuuuu...

  Howard Moon : Shut up Wind!

• Howard Moon : [about Bainbridge]  What's he got that I haven't got?

  Vince Noir : A moustache.

  Howard Moon : What do you think this is I've got going on here?

  Vince Noir : [laughing]  As if that's a moustache. That's a cappuccino stain.

  Howard Moon : How dare you? This is at least a mocha, OK? Don't be mockin' my mocha.

• Howard Moon : Vince, this is difficult for me, but I feel as though I should say this. I love you, Vince.

  Vince Noir : [Tries to stifle his laughter] 

  Howard Moon : What are you doing?

  Vince Noir : [laughing quietly]  Nothing.

  Howard Moon : Are you laughing?

  Vince Noir : No.

  Howard Moon : You better not be laughing at me now.

  Vince Noir : [ontinues to laugh] 

  Howard Moon : I'm telling you I love you. How dare you laugh at me.

  Vince Noir : You make me laugh.

  Howard Moon : That is so humiliating.

  Vince Noir : You just caught me off guard.

  Howard Moon : Really.

  Vince Noir : Yeah, it was out of the blue.

  Howard Moon : Well, I'm telling you I love you, and you're laughing at me.

  Vince Noir : Well, I love you.

  Howard Moon : You don't love me.

  Vince Noir : I do.

  Howard Moon : You're just saying that because I said it to you. It doesn't work. It doesn't mean anything.

  Vince Noir : No, I love you.

  Howard Moon : No, you don't.

• Vince Noir : Come on, Howard, let's go, the egg's not 'round here.

  Howard Moon : Stop tugging me mink! I'm not going anywhere. The egg is around here, I can sense it.

  Vince Noir : Did you say mink? That's not very P.C. it? You're supposed to be a zookeeper.

  Howard Moon : This is the arctic, Vince. Different rules apply out here, you know? It's kill or be killed.

  Vince Noir : What, by a mink?

  Howard Moon : They get very big out here, the mink.

  [gesturing at floor-length mink coat] 

  Howard Moon : This is just one mink, this whole outfit. It's true.

  Vince Noir : No way! I read a pamphlet.

  Howard Moon : So? I once looked at a hedge. What's your point?

  Vince Noir : It was a mink pamphlet. "Minky Monthly". There were loads of them on the front. It said in there that it takes about ninety mink to make a small ladies' glove.

  Howard Moon : That's 'cause they're really crap at sewing.

• Parka Creature : [a small, mysterious entity concealed in a parka approaches Howard] 

  [in a deep,booming voice] 

  Parka Creature : Look deep into the parka.

  Howard Moon : What?

  Parka Creature : Look deep into the parka. There are many things in here, things you could never dream of.

  Howard Moon : Like what?

  Parka Creature : Rubies.

  Howard Moon : I've dreamt of rubies.

  Parka Creature : Lesbian ham.

  Howard Moon : I'm not interested in your stupid dreams.

• Howard Moon : [wincing, sobs pathetically]  Don't kill me! I've got so much to give!

• Howard Moon : [into tape recorder]  Howard Moon's journal, day four. Many men have searched for the egg of Mantumbi. Many have failed. One man shall succeed. And I, Howard Moon, shall be that man.

  Howard Moon : [gets hit in the face with snowball] 

  Vince Noir : [laughs] 

  Howard Moon : Stop doing that!

  Vince Noir : What?

  Howard Moon : It's not funny.

  Vince Noir : It's hilarious!

  Howard Moon : It isn't, okay? Do it again, and I'll come at you like a buzzard.

  Vince Noir : Come on, Howard, let's go, the egg's not 'round here.

  Howard Moon : Stop tugging me mink! I'm not going anywhere. The egg is around here, I can sense it.

  Vince Noir : Did you say mink?

  Howard Moon : Yeah.

  Vince Noir : That's not very P.C, is it? You're supposed to be a zookeeper!

  Howard Moon : This is the arctic, Vince. Different rules apply out here, you know? It's kill or be killed.

  Vince Noir : What, by a mink?

  Howard Moon : ...They get very big out here, the mink. This is just one mink, this whole outfit. It's true.

  Vince Noir : No way.

  Howard Moon : It's true!

  Vince Noir : No way! I read a pamphlet!

  Howard Moon : So? I once looked at a hedge. What's your point?

  Vince Noir : It was a mink pamphlet. Minky Monthly. There were loads of 'em on the front. Said in there, it takes about ninety mink to make a small ladies' glove.

  Howard Moon : That's because they're really crap at sewing.

  Vince Noir : [Vince laughs] 

  Howard Moon : You like that?

  Vince Noir : That's quite good, yeah.

• [Howard and Vince are tied up back to back in an arctic cave, waiting to be sacrificed] 

  Howard Moon : This is difficult for me, but I feel as though I should say this... I love you, Vince.

  [Vince smirks, then tries to stifle giggles] 

  Howard Moon : What you doin'?

  Vince Noir : [Giggling]  Nothing.

  Howard Moon : Are you laughing?

  Vince Noir : [laughing]  No...

  Howard Moon : [Over Vince's laughter]  You better not be laughing at me... now.

  [still over the laughter] 

  Howard Moon : I'm telling you I love you.

  Vince Noir : [Giggles]  It makes me laugh.

  [giggling] 

  Howard Moon : That is so humiliating.

  Vince Noir : You just got me off guard.

  [smirking] 

  Howard Moon : Really.

  Vince Noir : Yeah, it was out of the blue.

  Howard Moon : I'm telling you I love you, and you're laughing at me.

  Vince Noir : Well, I love you.

  Howard Moon : You don't love me.

  Vince Noir : I do!

  Howard Moon : You're just saying you love me because I said it to you. It doesn't work. It doesn't mean anything.

  Vince Noir : [grinning]  No, I love you!

  Howard Moon : No, you don't.

  Dixon Bainbridge : [Stepping into view]  What a touching scene...