- Diane: Execuse me, I'm looking for the dressing rooms.
- Kelly Bundy: Oh, they're over in the producer's office. That what he told me. But he's really stupid for he had me try on about 30 different outfits before he made up his mind.
- Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Well, all I can say is that if I ever caught my Jefferson going into one of those strip clubs, I would do things to him that would make my hero and idol, Lorena Bobbitt, toss her cookies!
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Did you see the headlights on that last stripper?
- Al Bundy: How about the taillights on the one with the tattoos.
- Charlie: No no no, those weren't tattoos. Those were my fingerprints.
- Mark: When I say action, I want you to turn away from the fridge, look into the camera, say, "And baby, look at me now", then sip, go "mmm" and say the flavor. Can you do that for me?
- Kelly Bundy: Is a bear Catholic?
- Mark: Let's get started. Places please.
- Kelly Bundy: Oh! How will I know what the flavor is?
- Mark: From the taste.
- Stage Manager: Waste-Away Diet ad, take one.
- Mark: Action.
- Kelly Bundy: And baby, look at me now.
- [sips]
- Kelly Bundy: Mmm... cow pie.
- Mark: That's cherry.
- Kelly Bundy: You taste it.
- Peggy Bundy: Gee, Al. I have to admit, this isn't anything like I though it would be.
- Al Bundy: I know, Peg. Usually it's a lot more civilized in here, but when the talk turns to healthcare, dammit, I become an animal!
- Al Bundy: Here's the plan. We are only going to take our wives there on Thursdays.
- Charlie: But Al, Thursday night is our bowling night.
- Al Bundy: That's right. And why do we always go bowling on Thursday night? Because at the Jiggly Room, Thursday night is always...
- Bob Rooney: A-cup night!
- Jefferson D'Arcy: There's not a single Dr. Yummy in the whole house!
- Al Bundy: Hence, we won't get excited.
- Bob Rooney: But what if we do?
- Al Bundy: Well, try to imagine Jefferson's wife up on stage with no clothes on.
- Bob Rooney: What if that doesn't work?
- Al Bundy: Then try to imagine Jefferson himself up on stage with no clothes on.
- Ike: What if that doesn't work?
- [everyone stares oddly at Ike]
- Al Bundy: Then you're out of the club.
- Al Bundy: Now remember this, men. Just as a man's eyes must adjust to the light when he's been in the dark, so too must a man's eyes adjust to his wife when he's been in the nudie bar. Ergo, do not look directly at them.
- Peggy Bundy: We want to relax and unwind too.
- Al Bundy: From what? Tearing open the packages of Ho Hos with your teeth all day.
- Iqbal: And now, the Jiggly Room presents a very special treat. She's usually here on Saturdays, but this week she'll be getting married... to me. And here she is, the two, the only, Rocki Mountains.
- Kelly Bundy: [as she happily runs up the stairs after scoring part in commercial] Buck, I'm finally on my way!
- [at the landing:]
- Kelly Bundy: Mr. Clock, I'm finally on my way!
- [disappears further up:]
- Kelly Bundy: Bud and the rubber woman, I'm finally on my way!
- Buck the Dog: [after Peg's friends devoured a cake] Whoa. Glad I'm not made of butterscotch frosting.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Wow! Did you see the headlights on that last stripper?
- [much laughter]
- Al Bundy: How about the taillights on that one with the tattoos?
- Charlie: Those weren't tattoos. They were my fingerprints!
- Peggy Bundy: [re the dancers at the Jiggly Room] And are they naked?
- Al Bundy: No! No. They're wearing those... Whatchamacallits...
- Bob Rooney: Shoes?