Married... with Children (TV Series)

The Legend of Ironhead Haynes (1994)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Al : [reading Ironhead Haynes' Nine Commandments]  Rule number one: it's okay to all hooters knockers and sometimes snack trays. Rule Two: it is wrong to be French. Rule Three: it is okay to put all bad people into a giant meat grinder. Rule Four: lawyers... see Rule Three. It is okay to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes. Everyone should car pool except me. Bring back the word 'stewardesses'. Synchronized swimming is not a sport. Mud wrestling is a sport. Those are your Ten Commandments.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Al, that's only nine.

  Al : Oh... these are your Nine Commandments.

• Al : I hate those little complaint boxes outside in the mall. A fat woman comes into the shoe store today, and she's so huge that she's protected by Greenpeace, and asked for a size four shoe. I asked her if she wants to eat them there or take them home. And she has the nerve to complain about my performance.

  Peggy Bundy : Honey, I complain about your performance all the time, and you don't care. Sometimes you don't even wake up.

  Al : Peg, unlike having sex with you, this is important to me.

• Al Bundy : I can't just go back to tell my friends that the life we used to know is gone.

  Ironhead Haynes : Well, that's the problem. You and me are like dinosaurs. Big, old, dead dinosaurs. The problem is that there is no future in being a dinosaur, but there is one hell of a past. My advice to you and your friends is be like the dinosaurs and leave deep footprints.

  Al Bundy : Leave deep prints?

  Ironhead Haynes : Exactly. Make your own mark and make it last.

  Al Bundy : Wait, when I go back down this mountain, what can I show them proof that I met you? What can you give me?

  Ironhead Haynes : How about this sack of flour?

  Al Bundy : Do you have anything without mealybugs in it?

  Ironhead Haynes : I guess that leaves my beard.

• Al : Anyone can go 3 weeks without insulting a woman.

  Peggy Bundy : Bet you $5, you can't.

  Al : I will take that bet, you bon bon-binging Bozo.

• Marcy : Oh, come on Al. You can't keep this up for a whole month. Sooner or later, some caloric-ally challenged woman is going to walk through those doors and your going to end up insulting her. You know why? Because you don't know the first thing about politically correct behavior.

  Al : What does that have to do with obnoxious fat women?

  Marcy : Today's obese woman feels that it's their God-given right to be heavy, and they do not like being insulted or commented on it by you or me or anyone.

  Al : So for example, if some moo-cow rumbles in here with a pie under each quadruple chin, I'm not supposed to ask her if that's the Star Spangled Banner that she's belching so that I can know whether to sit or stand.

  Marcy : No, ye of so little deodorant.

• Al : [with the "Nine" Commandments]  It is I! With words for hard-working people who don't give a rat's ass about political correctness!

• Al : You must be Ironhead Haynes.

  Ironhead Haynes : Yep. And you must be some idiot that doesn't know there's a road leading up here from the other side of this mountain.

• Roger : Al, this legend of Ironhead Haynes could be as phony as your wife's hair color.

  Al : Or it could be real like your wife's hair color, Roger. I know it's real, because it matches her moustache!

• Al : What we need to do is find someone who can tell us how to fight this insanity.

  Roger : That's right. We need a man's man.

  Bob Rooney : Someone who always calls his own shots.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : A leader to lead us through the 90's.

  Officer Dan : A man among men.

  Bob Rooney , Roger , Barney , Officer Dan : Ironhead Haynes!

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Who's Ironhead Haynes?

  Al : The gruffest, toughest man to ever graduate from Polk High.

  Roger : He had a beard in the 7th Grade, and a wife.

  Officer Dan : Took out his own appendix with a Pocket Fisherman's knife.

  Al : He could have been a great football player for Polk High. But he refused to take off his spurs.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : We wore cowboy boots while playing football?

  Al : No boots. Just spurs.

• Al Bundy : Ironhead, what things do you find most important in life?

  Ironhead Haynes : I believe that when you gotta spit, you gotta spit and right now... I gotta spit.

  [Ironhead spits in the air and a large bird falls from the sky, dead] 

  Ironhead Haynes : I believe that everybody that's got more money than they can hold in both hands... ought to give it all to me. I believe that all animals were put on this Earth to make faces at me.

• Al : [to a fat lady when he is unable to find his previous customer]  Excuse me, Miss, are you sitting on someone?