Married... with Children (TV Series)

Shoeway to Heaven (1994)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Quotes 

• [Jefferson has just fallen though a crack in the shoe store wall into a back room] 

  Al Bundy : Jefferson, are you okay?

  Jefferson D'Arcy : I think I got whiplash.

  Al Bundy : Well, I don't have no insurance.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Well, then I don't have whiplash.

• Jefferson D'Arcy : Oh, Marcy's in another one of her foul moods. PMS. You know, post-MasterCard syndrome.

  Al Bundy : [chuckles]  Yeah, I know.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : I mean, she can charge anything any time she wants, but let me buy one stinking ivory-inlaid pool table... Oh, well. You wanna come over and see what the limit on a Platinum card looks like before they haul it away?

  Al Bundy : No, to tell you the truth, I'm looking forward to a great night of sex.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : I thought Peggy was out of town.

  Al Bundy : She is, that's what makes it so good.

• Jefferson D'Arcy : There... There's a bunch of boxes back here, Al. Give me a hand.

  Al Bundy : Move them over here.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Hey, check this out.

  Al Bundy : [helps carry a heavy box out]  Man. What the hell... Hey, Jefferson, maybe this is Al Capone's treasure.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Why would Al Capone hide his treasure in the wall of a women's shoe store?

  Al Bundy : Maybe he was dating J. Edgar Hoover.

• Shoemaker : If it would not be too much trouble for thee, might I have a little air conditioning?

  Al Bundy : No, thee may NOOT. Now, any more complaints out of you, I'm gonna have your buckboard towed. Now, get back in there to work.

• Jefferson D'Arcy : Al, it's a plug on network television. Network, it means the whole country.

  Al Bundy : Not if it's NBC.

• Marcy D'Arcy : Do you know what I was doing the last time I was wearing shoes like these?

  Al Bundy : Inspiring Helen Reddy to write her new song, "I am Poultry".

• Al Bundy : [pair of ladies' platforms in hand]  Ah, the '70s. The clothes, the shoes, the music. Oh, boy, did they suck! Come on, Jefferson. Help me wall this stuff back up.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Oh, no, no, no. Wait a second, Al. Don't you know what's going on in the world?

  Al Bundy : Oh, look at me, Jefferson, you know that I don't!

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Al, '70s fashions are back in style now. These shoes, my friend, are worth a lot of money.

  Al Bundy : Yeah, right! These shoes cost less than 20 bucks back then!

  Woman #1 : [enters store]  I know those shoes! They were called Foxy Ladies. I'll give you $200 for those. Who do I pay?

  [Al and Jefferson take her money, she grabs the shoes, and leaves] 

  Al Bundy : [overjoyed]  Jefferson! 100 bucks each! You know what this means?

  Jefferson D'Arcy : You have to put great sex off for some other night?

  Al Bundy : Put it off? Hell, I'm having it right now.

• Jefferson D'Arcy : [doing roaring trade in the vintage shoes business]  We've cleared over 5 grand today already. And the more we raise the price, the more they want 'em.

  Al Bundy : [elated]  Oh, man! Oh, women are idiots!

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Yeah.

  Al Bundy : Ah, you gotta love them.

• Marcy D'Arcy : [to long-legged platform shoes model]  Kelly! Those shoes are so far out! They're trippy, they're groovy, they're up tight, outa sight! Ow! What do you think?

  Kelly Bundy : [filled with truth serum]  Truthfully?

  Marcy D'Arcy : Of course.

  Kelly Bundy : Well... since you asked... I think there's nothing more pathetic than trying to relive your glory days through your feet. Much like your hairstyle, Mrs. Darcy, the Seventies are history. It's just you and Alvin the Chipmunk now. At least he had a pleasant voice.

  Al Bundy : You'll... have to forgive Kelly for that Alvin crack. Personally, I think your voice sounds like Simon.

• Jefferson D'Arcy : [re stunning blonde customer]  Al, do you know who that is? Dominique, the highest-paid lingerie model in the world! Page 36, Soft & Slinky catalog.

  Al Bundy : The thong micro-teddy? I didn't recognize her, not straddling a cannon.

  Dominique : Hi. Can somebody help me?

  Al Bundy : Ah, yes! Uh... my name is Al Bundy, and I was born to rock your world.

  Dominique : Well, that answered none of my questions. I'm going to appear on a TV special this weekend and I need some really funky shoes to wear.

  [they just stare and stare at her] 

  Dominique : This is where you talk.

  Al Bundy : Wha-? Oh, shoes! Oh, yeah, shoes! Yeah, here's some shoes!

  [shoves knockoff platforms her way] 

  Dominique : Ah! Ah, I like these. How much?

  Al Bundy : [busily staring down at her attributes]  For what? Oh, shoes! We got shoes, we got shoes!

  [but greed finally wins over his ardent interest] 

  Al Bundy : Well, for you I could probably let them go for...

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Free.

  Dominique : I wouldn't feel comfortable just taking them.

  Al Bundy : [laughs]  No! I wouldn't feel comfortable just giving them to you!

  Jefferson D'Arcy : No, no, they're yours, providing when you're on the show, you mention where you got them.

  Dominique : Ah, that sounds fair. You know what, that's very, very kind of you. I'll do it! Al Bundy's House of Sole.

  [heads out with her prized platforms] 

  Al Bundy : Right! Where the shoes are free, and the salesmen are morons!

  [Dominique leaves, and he whines at Jefferson:] 

  Al Bundy : What the hell did you do that for?

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Al, it's a plug on network TV. Network. It means the whole country.

  Al Bundy : Not if its NBC.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Look, Al, don't you see? If she mentions the name of the store on TV, we could sell these shoes for anything we want. This could be the biggest thing that ever happened to you.

  Al Bundy : Bigger than high-school football?

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Bigger than that.

  Al Bundy : God!

• Kelly Bundy : Why can't I have a job I love like everybody else?

  [cut over to Al at the shoe store] 

  Al Bundy : Oh, God, I hate my job.