Married... with Children (TV Series)

Shoeway to Heaven (1994)

John Bloom: Billy Ray Wetnap

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Billy Ray Wetnap : [Kelly and Bud are watching TV ad]  Hi! This is Billy Ray Wetnap from Pest Boys Extermination.

  Kelly Bundy : And I'm Kelly, your friendly neighborhood Verminator.

  [strikes sexy Verminator pose] 

  Billy Ray Wetnap : And if you're like me, there's nothing you like more than a good old-fashioned cookout.

  Kelly Bundy : But if there's one thing that fries my frankfurter, it's sharing my buns with a bunch of pesky insects.

  Billy Ray Wetnap : Well, if bugs are making you sizzle, just pick up a can of our newest insect repellent, Pure T poison. And to demonstrate just how effective it is, we sprayed the Verminator's left arm with it, and if she wants her paycheck, she'll have to stick that left arm into this cage of ravenous Samoan dragon beetles. And take it out.

  Kelly Bundy : Left?

  Billy Ray Wetnap : Right!

  Kelly Bundy : Gotcha!

  [and then uses her right arm, causing her to get stung and yell out in pain:] 

  Kelly Bundy : Naah!

  [drawn out scream] 

  Billy Ray Wetnap : Boy, I tell you, I'd rather have my ass whipped in Singapore... than bitten by one of them!

  Kelly Bundy : Naah!

  [runs around in pain] 

  Kelly Bundy : Somebody shoot me, somebody, please!

  Billy Ray Wetnap : Well, it's Manny, me and Maw here at Pest Boys, where our motto is "the only good bug is named Bunny", although we'd kill him too if you paid us.

  Kelly Bundy : Naah!

  [still running around till commercial ends] 

  Bud Bundy : [teasing sister in front of TV]  Left, right, gotcha? You know, if you were any dumber, my IQ would go down.

  Kelly Bundy : [arm covered with plasters]  Bud, spare me your icky boy opinions and let's get back to the side effects.

  Bud Bundy : The guide says that the Samoans use these beetles to make a kind of truth serum.

  Kelly Bundy : Truth serum?

  Bud Bundy : Yeah, you know, makes it impossible for you to lie. For instance, if someone were to ask you how much is two and two, you'd have to be honest and answer "duh."

  Kelly Bundy : Oh, yeah? Well, I may insult you back, but deep down inside I envy you your intelligence and hope you can't see through me.

  [eyes widen as she realizes she just blabbed her secret] 

  Bud Bundy : Well! This could certainly be fun!

  [phone rings] 

  Kelly Bundy : [to herself]  What am I gonna do?

  Bud Bundy : Hello?

  Peggy Bundy : Hi, Bud.

  Bud Bundy : Oh, hi, Mom, how's everything in Wanker County?

  Peggy Bundy : Oh, fine. Grandma's doing much better. It was just a mild heart attack, but it took us all by surprise.

  Kelly Bundy : Oh, please. Jupiter's got moons that weigh less than she does.

  [startled to realize she just spoke her true thoughts out loud] 

  Bud Bundy : [devious]  By the way, Mom, Kelly's been real anxious to talk to ya. Yeah. Hold on a second.

  [to resistant Kelly:] 

  Bud Bundy : Take the phone!

  Kelly Bundy : I don't wanna... I don't wanna talk...

  Bud Bundy : Take it!

  Kelly Bundy : Hi, Mom.

  Peggy Bundy : Hi, sweetheart. How is everyone?

  Kelly Bundy : [resignedly]  All right, I guess. Dad's at the shoe store and Bud's, uh...

  [casts disdainful downward glance] 

  Kelly Bundy : holding his own.

  [Bud looks down shamefaced]