Married... with Children (TV Series)

Ship Happens (1995)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Gretchen : Hi, I'm Gretchen, the athletics coordinator on the ship. I just dropped by to ask if you two guys will be taking aerobics classes during the cruise.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : That depends. Are you taking them?

  Gretchen : I'm teaching them.

  Al Bundy : We're taking them.

• Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy : Why must you always be so negative?

  Al Bundy : Why did you cross the road?

  [insulted, Marcy kicks Al in his shin] 

  Al Bundy : Oww! What'd I say?

• Jefferson D'Arcy : Uh, excuse me, Gretchen, but uh... I thought all the passengers were...

  [Al whispers something in his ear] 

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Jurassic, Uh, I-I mean... jolly.

  Gretchen : May I share something with you?

  Al : Sure! Jefferson, would you step outside?

  [pushes Jefferson aside and pulls Gretchen closer] 

  Gretchen : Well what I meant was since you're not part of the diet group, you can participate in our after hours activities.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Uh, what, what kind of after hour activities?

  Gretchen : Well, after our 6:30 round up and lock down for our larger passengers, we put away the celery and those disgusting chalky shakes and bring out the real food.

  [reads from her clipboard] 

  Gretchen : Tonight is... Carnival, couscous and clothing-optional lambada.

• Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy : Anyway, Al. At 6:30 I'm going upstairs for aqua aerobics. The male crewmembers were going to pretend to be dolphins and I get to pet their dorsal fins. And vice versa. Don't tell Jefferson.

  Al : Marcy did you happen to notice if any of the female cremwmembers were going to pretend to be dolphins?

  Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy : Hmm, no. I think they're going to be mermaids. Or whatever it is you call it when you swim around topless.

• Al : Now let me get this straight. At 6:30 you herd all the buffalos back to their cells, you lock them up, and then a wild orgy of scantily clad crew and us take over the ship?

  Gretchen : Right! Uh, is that okay?

  Al : [deliriously happy]  Yes... It's fine!

  Jefferson D'Arcy : [nearly in tears]  Thank you.

  Gretchen : Great! I'll see you guys there.

• Peggy Bundy : [referring to her ghastly new hairstyle]  I can't go out in public looking like this!

  Al Bundy : I know you can't. I know you can't.

  [to Jefferson] 

  Al Bundy : Come on, Jefferson. Let's go.

  Peggy Bundy : You can't go either!

  Al Bundy : Why? My hair don't look like crap!

• Al : This is like 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Except I'm married to the giant squid.

• Peggy Bundy : We should've left them at home.

  Al Bundy : You should've left us at the altar.

• Wolfman Jack : Hi, I'm Wolfman Jack! Let me in or I'll huff, and puff, and blow your mind down!

  Al : [to the other Bundys]  Say, did anyone here join a record club? I'm talking like... 30 years ago?

• Peggy Bundy : Would Ed McMahon lie?

  Al Bundy : I don't know. Would he drink? Would he laugh at a joke that's not funny? Would he pout the taste of dog food if he thought he could make a stinking buck?

• Peggy Bundy : Al, you don't mind spending the time here with me.

  Al Bundy : [sarcastic]  No. I'd rather be here comforting you than up there in a Russ Meyer movie.

• Peggy Bundy : Al, why can't we go on a cruise together? It'll be really romantic.

  Al : Peg, I don't want to go on any cruise. You know me. All that rocking up and down, side to side, backwards and forwards... I'll be throwing up all night. And then, there's the motion of the boat.

• Al : [Shocked and disgusted after being kissed by a drunken Marcy]  You beaked me!

• [Peggy turns on the lights and catches Al trying to sneak out of the cabin] 

  Al Bundy : Uh... oh, I was just getting a breath of some... fine salt hallway air.

  Peggy Bundy : Fine! If you'd rather be up on deck partying with several drunken, scantly clad bimbos rather than be down here comforting your wife, just go right ahead!

  Al Bundy : Thanks. Bye!

• Peggy Bundy : Al?

  Al Bundy : What?

  Peggy Bundy : Make love to me.

  Al Bundy : Why? I didn't screw up your hair!

• [last lines] 

  Jefferson D'Arcy : [runs in]  We're going down!

  Al Bundy : What do you mean? The party's moved?

  Marcy D'Arcy : [runs in]  No, the ship is sinking!

  Jefferson D'Arcy : One of the fat women below smelled the jerk chicken and attempted to cut through the bulkhead floor with a blowtorch!

  Peggy Bundy : Oh, no! Are we really sinking?

  Al Bundy : Oh, come on! If we were really sinking that means that I could just look right into this porthole over here and see...

  [there is a waterline in the porthole that is rapidly rising] 

  Al Bundy : ...FISH!

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Water is seeping into the cabin!

  Marcy D'Arcy : Oh, my God! We're all going to die!

  Al Bundy : [to Peggy]  Thank you Peg, for booking me on the Titanic!

• Al : Don't answer that. That's a trap.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : What kind of trap?

  Al : You know, they say "yoohoo", you open the door, they slap two pieces of bread on you, and you're never heard from again.

• Peggy Bundy : We should have left them home.

  Al : You should have left us at the altar!

• Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy : [re celebrity hair stylists]  Who do you think does Sandra Bernhard's hair?

  Al : Ray Charles?

• Gretchen : [in her cute training outfit]  I just wanted to know if either of you were taking aerobics classes?

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Are you taking them?

  Gretchen : I'm teaching them!

  Al Bundy : We're taking them!