Married... with Children (TV Series)

Peggy and the Pirates (1993)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy, Captain Courage

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rubio the Cruel : Men, hide your women, women, hide your heinies! For I'll bring you the unique musical styling of Rubio the Cruel! Rubettes?

  [three identically dressed pirates line up behind him] 

  Rubio the Cruel : [singing]  For I'll be true to the song I sing, and live and die - ha-ha! - a pirate king! For I am a pirate king, and it is, it is, a glorious thing to be a pirate king! Whoo, I am a pirate king...!

  [dissolve to Rubio singing from the bridge] 

  Rubio the Cruel : [singing]  I am the very model of a modern major general, I've information vegetable, animal and mineral...

  [shot of the pirates and Paco's men all committing suicide, by hanging themselves, stabbing themselves, or just jumping into the ocean; dissolve to Rubio's last number] 

  Rubio the Cruel : [singing]  Ding-ding-ding went the bell, zing-zing-zing went my heartstrings...

  Captain Courage : Now we all know why he's called Rubio the Cruel!

• Prince Paco : Soon, we shall kill this Philistine in a matter befitting the way he lives.

  Captain Courage : Nothing will bother me as long as you do not take me away from my mistress the sea, and saddle me with a wife that doth not work, and kids that willst not leave the ship.

  Prince Paco : How about we cut off your head and feed it to the maggots?

  Captain Courage : Better.

• Captain Courage : Where is the cabin boy?

  Cabin Boy-Girl : How may I serve you, sir?

  Captain Courage : You can swab the deck in my quarters, ye of cropped hair and dubious sexuality.

  Cabin Boy-Girl : Aye, aye, sir. But I seem to have misplaced my mop. May I use your nose hairs as bristles?

  Captain Courage : Mock me if you will, Cabin Boy-Girl. Now go! Before I make you walk the plank... or should I say, walk yourself?

  Cabin Boy-Girl : I sense you are threatened by my androgyny. Perhaps it is that encounter you had many years ago with your strange "uncle" pirate that hauntheth you.

  Captain Courage : I am not gay! Any man can live with his mother until he's 40.

• [Captain Courage and Rubio the Cruel are in a clinch during the sword fight] 

  Captain Courage : You're making me look bad in front of my woman.

  Rubio the Cruel : As least she doesn't have to stare at the bits of corn in your teeth.

  Captain Courage : That "corn" is my teeth! For that, you die!

  Rubio the Cruel : You fool! I was taught to fight by the greatest teachers in the finest schools in Europe.

  Captain Courage : Oh, yeah? Well I was taught how to fight in the streets!

  [Captain Courage knees Rubio in the groin] 

• Captain Courage : Navigator, we're sailing to our hideout. Do your job.

  Ship's Navigator : Okey-dokey, Captain-Daddy.

  [a la an airline stewardess] 

  Ship's Navigator : Now, in case of an emergency, please use the exits located on the starboard and port sides of the ship. And in case of a water landing... Fluvio has many delightful flotation devices already blown up in his cabin.

  [Captain Courage and the whole crew glares at Fluvio who looks back at them with great embarrassment] 

  Ship's Navigator : But please, don't grab their chests, for the plastic is wearing thin.

• Captain Courage : Let's rock.

• Al : [preparing to plunge the toilet]  This is a job for Old Betsy.

  Peggy : Why do all plungers have girls' names, Al?

  Al : Because the cavemen used to hold their women by the feet for a job like this.

• Fluvio the Handsome : Come, wenches! Kiss me or kiss the sharks.

  [He puckers up and shuts his eyes. All the wenches jump overboard] 

  Captain Courage : Fluvio, how many times do I have to tell you? Don't give them a choice!