- [a large fat woman has just fallen on top of Dexter after he had apparently tried to give her too much tranquilizer]
- Dexter: Help! She's fallen and I can't get up!
- Al: Dexter, are you okay?
- Dexter: I think I'm done for. Just shoot me... and tell Laura I love her.
- [Dexter passes out]
- Al: NOOOO! Dexter, I'll call for help. Just try to find an air pocket in there somewhere.
- [first lines]
- [a little fat girl named Penelope is trying on shoes]
- Penelope: Does this look like pink? I said pink. Pink you bone top!
- Al: A thousand apologies, my little carbuncle.
- Penelope: With this attitude, you're gonna be working here for the rest of your life.
- Al: Yeah, well take a gander into the seat next to you if you wanna see what your future looks like.
- [Penelope's super-obese mother is sitting in the chair. She has too much makeup on her face and is wearing a T-shirt which reads: 'Chocolate: It's Not Just For Breakfast Anymore']
- Leona: Come, Penelope. Let's go someplace where they treat us with respect!
- Al: Why don't you two try the moon? You'll weigh less there.
- Bud Bundy: Where are you going?
- Peggy Bundy: We're going to the Burned Beyond Recognition concert. We received two free tickets as a consolation prize from the Rick Dees show.
- Kelly Bundy: Wait, Daddy's the reason that we don't have those tickets. We should have them.
- Al: Are you kidding me? You don't know what I had to go through to get those tickets. You don't know where I've been. And believe me, it wasn't Tahiti.
- Bud Bundy: But Dad, you don't even like B.B.R.
- Al: Well, I don't like S-E-X with M-O-M, but it's my J-O-B.
- Peggy Bundy: Come on, Al, I really wanna hear "Wind Beneath My Wings."
- Al: Then jump off the roof, Peg.
- Kelly Bundy: I got us backstage passes. All I had to do was trade places with some guy.
- Bud Bundy: Kelly, these are bus transfers.
- Kelly Bundy: Hey, not only can we get backstage, we have a way to the concert!
- Bud Bundy: [annoyed] You can't be this dumb.
- Kelly Bundy: I can be anything I wanna be. It's the 90s.
- Kelly Bundy: [in the long queue for the rock concert] I'm starving. It's obvious Mom's not gonna bring us any food. And I can't leave you here. You'd give away our place to anything in a skirt.
- Bud Bundy: Well, I'm not leaving you here. You'd give your skirt away to anyone in the place.
- Bud Bundy: I can't believe it. The guy in front of us gets the last ticket, and what do I get? I spend three days of my life with you.
- [she raises her eyes]
- Bud Bundy: Three days! Oh, sure, it might be fun for the Navy, but...
- [gives her a dirty look]
- Kelly Bundy: Yeah, like you had anything better to do than dunk your girlfriend in water to see where she leaks.
- Bud Bundy: Hey, at least she has an excuse for having air in her head.
- [gets an amused look]
- Bud Bundy: That is, if I had a rubber girlfriend.
- [she continues to gloat]
- Bud Bundy: Which I... Which I don't.
- [gloating look continues]
- Bud Bundy: Not... Not anymore...
- Rick Dees: You'll win a trip to Tahiti and ten thousand dollars in cash if you can get you husband to come home.
- Peggy Bundy: I can do that.
- Rick Dees: I mean in the next 60 minutes.
- Peggy Bundy: I can do that.
- Rick Dees: For a nooner.
- Peggy Bundy: Do you have any consolation prizes?
- [last lines]
- [Al and Peggy are leaving their house to attend the Burned Beyond Recognition concert, with Peggy unaware that the lead singer is known to vomit and urinate on the concert audience]
- Peggy Bundy: Al, I can't believe it. We're actually going to the concert. Front row seats!
- Al: Okay, but just remember when the lead singer comes out on stage and while he is performing, just remember to look right up at him and smile. And make sure you show him those bright white teeth of yours.
- Peggy Bundy: Do you think that will get his attention?
- Al: Oh... I hope so.