Married... with Children (TV Series)
No Ma'am (1993)
Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy
Photos
Quotes
-
Al Bundy : Where a buck's enough to see their stuff.
Men : At the nudie bar!
Jefferson D'Arcy : Where the breasts may be fake, but, man, do they shake.
Men : At the nudie bar!
Bob Rooney : Where you swear like a sailor and wish you could nail her.
Men : At the nudie bar!
Al Bundy : Where the cops are at the door and there's a Kennedy on the floor.
Men : At the nudie bar!
-
Marcy D'Arcy : Now, about your demand to not talk during sex? The only reason we ask you to is so that we know when you're finished.
Al Bundy : Oh, yeah? Well... You're a chicken!
[the men cheers]
Marcy D'Arcy : And if it's true we spend so little time in the kitchen, then how come you spend so much time in the bathroom?
Al Bundy : Because... Because... You're a chicken!
-
[on the phone with Jerry Springer]
Al Bundy : Now listen here, Jerry. Bowling is a man's sport. If God had wanted women to bowl, he would have put their breasts on their backs so we would have something to watch while waiting our turn.
Jerry Springer : And where are you calling from, sir? 1952?
[Marcy laughs at Al]
Al Bundy : I wish. Ike was in the White House, women were in the kitchen, and you were in the closet.
Jerry Springer : And you forgot to mention where you were, sir. I suspect in a zoo someplace throwing your feces at a passing tourist.
Al Bundy : Once again, I wish.
-
Officer Dan : You again, Bundy?
Al Bundy : Where were you last week when I got mugged out in front of my store?
Officer Dan : Where were YOU last week when *I* got mugged outside of your store?
-
Al Bundy : Miss Dee, you're a working woman. What do you think of Roe vs. Wade?
Bubbles Double Dee : Gee, I don't know that much about boxing. But I'd like to go out to dinner with whoever wins.
-
Al Bundy : Every day for the past 30 years, you high-heeled pit bulls have blamed us for everything. From not being able to get into Harvard to not being able to get into stretch pants.
Men : Yeah!
Bob Rooney : We... We've been called pigs.
Jim : We've been called scum!
Jefferson D'Arcy : We've even been called plywood bottom.
[the men look at him weird]
Jefferson D'Arcy : Or at least I have.
Al Bundy : But we're sick and tired of this. Now we have a list of demands, and if these demands are not met, we're going to take this masculine feminist and perform television's first sexorcism.
[the men in the audience cheers as a tied up and gagged, Jerry Springer looks shocked and tries to move his chair away]
Al Bundy : Tell them what that is, Jefferson.
Jefferson D'Arcy : [removes his mask] My name is Hank.
Al Bundy : Oh, right. Uh, sorry, Hank.
Jefferson D'Arcy : Ah, that's okay, Al.
[the men look at him weird]
Jefferson D'Arcy : Anyway, if our demands go unheeded, not only will we force Jerry to watch hours of pro wrestling, but we'll force him to watch it in these.
[Pete reveals a yellow undershirt and Barney shows a pair of boxers]
Jefferson D'Arcy : A stinky yellowed undershirt... and a pair of boxers which read "It's All Me."
[the men cheer as the No Ma'am members shove the clothes in Jerry's face who tries to resist them]
Jefferson D'Arcy : "It's All Me" boxers, courtesy of Mr. Bob Rooney.
[Bob corrects him]
Jefferson D'Arcy : I mean, Dirk Rooney. Back to you, Al... Clyde. Ah, hell.
Al Bundy : Demand one: You gals want a ladies night? Try having it in the kitchen cooking for a man.
[the men cheer and Jerry rolls his eyes]
Al Bundy : Demand two: Don't put on a dress and ask us if it makes you look fat. We hate that. Besides, it's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's the FAT that makes you look fat.
[the men cheer again]
Al Bundy : Demand three: Don't ask us to talk or cuddle after sex, or before sex, or during sex. You're lucky we take our pants off.
Bob Rooney : You take your pants off? How do you get 'em over your shoes?
Jefferson D'Arcy : Demand four: Don't ask us to say "I love you" over the phone. It's hard enough to say it to someone we're paying a dollar a minute to talk to!
[the men cheer]
Jefferson D'Arcy : Yeah! Come on!
Barney : Demand five: Stop talking about Fabio.
Roger : Yeah. With his long, flowing blonde hair and 48-inch chest, we're the ones who should be talking about...
[everyone stares at him]
Al Bundy : Anyway, those are our five demands. We had five more written down, but somebody couldn't blow his nose without a hanky.
-
[Peg and the kids are watching the TV screen that says the Masculine Feminist and hear punching. The curtain goes up to see Al and his buddies don black masks and No MA'AM shirts. It also shows Jerry Springer tied up and gagged with a crude sign that says "OVULATES" with an arrow pointed at him]
Al Bundy : Tonight's broadcast of the masculine feminist has been commandeered by the secret society NO MA'AM, National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood.
[the men cheer]
Al Bundy : I would reveal my true identity, but for political reasons, I cannot. But do not take me lightly. I once scored four touchdowns in a single game for Polk High.
Kelly Bundy : Hey, Daddy once scored four touchdowns, too.
[giggles]
Bud Bundy : That IS Daddy, you mud flap.
[points to the TV screen]
Bud Bundy : And that's Mr. D'Arcy and Mr. Anderson and Bob Rooney.
Peggy Bundy : Boy, if Marcy finds out about this, she'll be down there in a second. Gee, I wonder if she's watching.
[Peg and the kids hear Marcy's tires screech as she drives away]
Peggy Bundy : Well, I guess so.
-
Bob Rooney : We could go to the newsstand and buy a magazine.
Al Bundy : Yeah, but where could we hide it?
Roger : How about in your wife's hair?
Al Bundy : How about in your wife's chins?
-
Al Bundy : Doesn't the constitution guarantee us the right to life, nudity, and the pursuit of happiness?
-
Jerry Springer : [on TV] Now we've gotta get the bowling alley to enlarge the size of the women's restroom. And what about mothers who wanna nurse? I propose a lactation lounge.
Al Bundy : I propose a dairy farmer.
-
Jerry Springer : [on TV] Okay, let's take some phone calls now.
Al Bundy : Well, believe you me, this outrage shall not go unavenged.
[Al goes over to the phone]
Marcy D'Arcy : Now, Al, don't you think women deserve...
Al Bundy : No!
Peggy Bundy : Just don't embarrass us, honey.
Jerry Springer : Is the caller there?
Al Bundy : Al Bundy here!
Peggy Bundy , Kelly Bundy , Bud Bundy : Too late.
-
Marcy D'Arcy : But what's important is that Jerry helped women finally get a bowling night, which is tonight.
Bud Bundy : Well, that means some guys lost their bowling night.
Kelly Bundy : Yeah, I wonder who.
[the door opens and Al enters after throwing in his shoes and bag]
Al Bundy : Hi, honey! I'm home! Why am I early on what used to be my bowling night? Good question. Thank you for asking. Well, as I entered the bowling alley, ready for an exciting night of bonding, brewskies and barfing, what did I see? Women. Bowling. Overhand. So naturally, I went up to one of these donut depositories and said in my nicest voice, Wedge it out the door, beefalo. It's my night to bowl.Well, instead of coming back at me verbally, like I did to them, they took their doughy fists, and they pounded on me until a mutual agreement was reached that I leave. Anyway, when I regained consciousness in a burning trash can, I realized, A: Thursday nights is now ladies night, and B: You don't wanna know how a bum puts out a trash can fire.
-
Al Bundy : This is ridiculous. I worked hard all week. I'm not gonna sit home on bowling night.
Bob Rooney : Well, we can't go back to the bowling alley. Those women are too strong.
Jefferson D'Arcy : We can't go home. We're too weak.
