Married... with Children (TV Series)

Magnificent Seven (1992)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Al : I'm tracking down Seven's real parents. Nobody sticks Al Bundy with unwanted kids except his wife.

• Al : Marcy, I'm saying this as a friend. Your body shows no signs of womanhood; it's obvious to me you're barren. And even if by some miracle you laid an egg, and then hatched a child, and tried to breast-feed, the poor kid would starve to death. Because, let's face it Marce, there can't be enough in there for a cup of coffee. So having said that - with love - from one friend to another, I offer you the son you'll never have. Let me go get his clothes.

  [starts to leave] 

  Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy : Oh, Al, I couldn't possibly accept anything from you. Instead, let me give you something... ten fingers of death!

  [throttles him] 

  Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy : I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!

  [Jefferson pulls her off] 

  Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy : And I have breasts, damn it!

• Al Bundy : Yeah, nothing can ruin Sunday for me.

  [sniffs] 

  Al Bundy : Wait a minute, what's that?

  [sniffs around, then turns to Kelly] 

  Al Bundy : Open your mouth.

  [Kelly opens her mouth, Al smells her breath] 

  Al Bundy : It's an M&M!

  [realizes what this means, then turns to Peg] 

  Al Bundy : Oh, God, your family's coming! How much time do I have?

  [doorbell rings] 

  Al Bundy : Great Caesar's ghost, they're here! Have you made the preparation?

  Peggy Bundy : Of course.

  Al Bundy : What about the dog?

  Peggy Bundy : He's ready.

  [shot of Buck, wearing a large sign around his neck: "I AM NOT FOR EATING."] 

  Kelly Bundy : Shouldn't we have a sign like that?

• Al Bundy : [gives everyone a rolled-up newspaper]  Here, here. Everybody take one of these. If they move on you, smack them on the nose and say, "No."

  [the doorbell rings again] 

  Zemus : Open up! We know you're in there!

• Al Bundy : [about Seven's parents]  By the way, uh, where are the Kettles?

  Peggy Bundy : Well, right after you left, they went out for cigarettes.

  Al Bundy : [alarmed, covers Seven's ears]  And you let them go? That has to be the dumbest move in history! No, the second dumbest. The first dumbest had to be when I answered your phone call the day after we had sex.

• Al Bundy : [about Seven's parents]  Peg, you just let these people stick us with their kid! OH, MY GOD! I'VE GOT ANOTHER CHILD!