Married... with Children (TV Series)

Kelly Knows Something (1994)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Kelly Bundy : Daddy, I can't go on a sports trivia show. I don't know anything about sports.

  Al : So? You went to class every day and you don't know anything about school.

  Kelly Bundy : Then how come they gave me... uh... one of those...

  Al : Diploma?

  Kelly Bundy : Yeah.

  Al : Because you tried.

• Bud Bundy : You have to understand, Kelly's brain can hold anything. But there are some things you have to know. One: that it's totally empty.

  Al : Woudn't you know it.

  Bud Bundy : And two: that you can't just shove information into her head. You have to be careful. Feed her information slowly, bit by bit, drop by drop, until she's full.

  Al : Full?

  Bud Bundy : Oh, yeah. Kelly's brain can actually get full with information. And then you got to be really careful. Because each new thought after that will totally replace an old one. That's why Kelly forgot to wear a blouse on the day she went to take her drivers ed exam.

• Al : Tell me everything you know about sports.

  Kelly Bundy : I know that you scored four touchdowns in one game for Polk High, Daddy.

  Al : That's right. What else?

  Kelly Bundy : Golf spelled backwards is "flog".

  Al : [beat]  Oh... this is going to take a lot of work.

• [Psycho Dad is playing on the TV] 

  Al : Peg, I'm so exited.

  Peggy : Al, I hate 'Psycho Dad'. It's just...

  Al : Peg! There is nothing in Heaven or on Earth that's going to keep me from watching 'Psycho Dad.'

  [the TV set's image blows up, short circuiting the set] 

  Al : Uh... Peg. This God we pray to every Sunday... what do you think "she" looks like?

• Al : A fat woman came into the shoe store today and asked for something to wear for a walk in the woods. Jokingly I suggested a sandwich sign saying "don't shoot, from the front I look human." Now you think a good natured, jolly lady like that could take some good humored teasing, but what does she do? That cow goes and complains to the owner who then gives her a gift certificate for $200 worth of free shoes. Now you know whose paycheck that's going to come out of?

  Peggy : Kelly's?

  Al : Damn right, if only if I can find where she hides her purse.

• [as Kelly is winning the TV sports trivia show] 

  Al : She did it! She's winning! Peg, you're gettin' some tonight!

  Peggy : Al, can I get some tomorrow night too? And some the following night, and so on?

  Al : Not unless Kelly wins this last question.

  [after Kelly loses the TV quiz show's final question] 

  Peggy : Uh... Al. Am I still gettin' some?

  Al : No, Peg. In fact, I just might take some back.