- Wayne: Hey, didn't you take my picture once while I was on a pleasure cruise? I think Florence Henderson was on there too.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: You think if I'm really that good-looking guy from "The Love Boat" you really think I'd be doing this? I'd be rich. Would you like another picture Captain... err... I mean Fonzie... err... I mean Al?
- Miss Parker: Now that you're a "waitress", stay away from my new husband. He's only 18 and still peaking.
- Kelly Bundy: Well, he'd have to peak. He wouldn't want to look at you dead on.
- Peggy Bundy: Today is a momentous occasion: Daddy paid the water bill! How'd you do it, honey?
- Al Bundy: As overseer of the vast Bundy fortune, I came up with a bold financial plan: I sold my blood!
- [he rolls up his sleeve, showing five patches of gauze taped up the length of one arm]
- Wayne: I just want to let you know, that you are the stupidest girl I've had working here. And that says a lot. That says an awful lot. In fact, you are one whopping moron. So... you want to go out with me later?
- Kelly Bundy: I'd rather stick my face in the deep fryer, that is if there's enough room for it with the rats in there.
- Wayne: Hey, it took me half-an-hour to clean most of them out of there. Besides, the people seem to like the tails. We call them cajun fries. Oh, would you set a couple of traps before you leave? And set them on stun for they stay fresher.
- Wayne: Feel good about yourself, missy, you have chosen a profession in which many great Americans have rotted away their youth.
- Kelly Bundy: So, is there any training that I have to do?
- Wayne: Let's see, er, do you know what a plate looks like?
- [Kelly points to it]
- Wayne: Excellent. You know what a table looks like?
- [Kelly points to it]
- Wayne: Excellent. Now, you take one to the other. You know which one?
- Kelly Bundy: Well, the table would be too heavy to take to the plate. Ergo, as Shakespeare said, the plate's the thing.
- Wayne: You are a find!