Married... with Children (TV Series)

I Want My Psycho Dad Part 1 (1994)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Al : You got Psycho Dad back on the air? You better not be kidding or you're gonna have to outrun the Dodge.

  Buck : Rush Limbaugh can outrun the Dodge.

• Al : [Woman's Rights, neighbor got his favorite TV show scrapped]  Why, Marcy?

  Marcy : Because Psycho Dad was the most violent program on TV. Did you know that they portrayed an average of 84 killings per one-hour show?

  Al : [inwardly shrugging]  Well, a man's gotta reload...

• Al : Psycho Dad has been canceled. You know who's responsible?

  Bob Rooney : Women?

  Al : No. Marcy D'Arcy, Chicken at Large.

• Al : Ah, it's just my stinking luck. It's a re-run.

  Kelly : Re-run?

  Al : Yeah, yeah, I recognize this episode. This is the part where he's gonna shoot his wife, she ducks and he accidentally kills president Lincoln instead. Damn women.

• Al : All right, have a two minute break.

  [They break up the circle and put down their signs] 

  Ike : How long have we been here?

  Al : Counting the break? Two and a half minutes.

• Psycho Dad : [Reading Al's letter]  "I like you. I really, really like you. No, not in that way. So please don't let them take you off, I beg you, fight this thing like you would fight a varmit or an ex-wife. Your friend, Al; P.S. What does Barbara Eden look like naked?"

  Jefferson : Barbara Eden?

  Bob Rooney : She's 1,000.

  Al : I didn't mean now.

• Psycho Dad : [Al had sent in a letter he made by cutting out letters of words in magazines]  I'd like to read this letter to you now. "Dear Psycho Dad," spelled S-Y-K-O.

  Al : You try and find P's and H's in USA Today.

• Psycho Dad : Sure the cancellation was a shock. I felt heart, I've been rejected, I thought, "Well, nobody cares anymore about a simple saga of a guy run amuck in the old west."

  Al : The man's a freaking poet.

• Psycho Dad : This letter arrived today.

  Al : Maybe that's my letter.

  Psycho Dad : It came "Postage Due".

  Al : It is my letter.

• Al : I'm taking this fight to the place that stands for liberty, that stands for freedom of expression.

  Jefferson : The nudie bar?

  Al : No... well maybe first, then we are going to our nation's capital.

• Al : Aw, real men don't write letters.

  Griff : Except in Penthouse.

  Bob Rooney : They got letters in Penthouse?

  Bud Bundy : Of course they've got letters in Penthouse. So you've got something to do right after you...

  [Peggy regards her son sharply] 

  Bud Bundy : Right after you... you finish reading the interviews.

  Bob Rooney : They got interviews in Penthouse?

• Al : [to Kelly and Bud]  Ah, you two are the best kids any father ever accidentally had.

• Al : [asked if he's going to give up]  No! I'm taking this fight to the place that stands for liberty and freedom of expression!

  Jefferson : The nudie bar?

• Al : We're men. Let's use the power of our giant, manly brains.

  [He, Griff and Bob Rooney begin to ponder. The scene transitions to sometime later, where the three men are still deep in concentration] 

  Bud Bundy : [to Peg]  Mom, they've been like that for hours now. Should we get the jumper cables?

• Psycho Dad : Yes, quit. Quit, apologize, and renounce forever the character of Psycho Dad. If this is the kind of following that I inspire, then I'm afraid I must stop leading. However, since the network's offering me big bucks, be sure to watch me in my new show: "Lefkowitz: Special Education Teacher's Aid". Thank you. And to you, Al: goodbye, and, uh, get help.

  Ike : I can't believe Psycho Dad would sell us out.

  Al : That's not Psycho Dad talking. He doesn't use words like "character" or "education" or "Lefkowitz". He's been brainwashed by people like Marcy and her do-gooders. Well, we've got to think of something.

  Griff : Use the power of our giant manly brains?

  Al : No, that'll take too long.

• Kelly : Hi, Daddy. How're you feeling?

  Al : Well, let's see...

  [He takes the thermometer out of his mouth and looks at it] 

  Al : Ah-ha, I'm dead.

• Al : Hi, Bud! Hi, Kelly!

  [to Peggy:] 

  Al : Hi, Couch Monster!