Married... with Children (TV Series)

Crimes Against Obesity (1996)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Shirley : Aren't you open?

  Al : Sorry ma'am but unlike your mouth we occasionally close.

  Shirley : I want my money back, these shoes fell apart after one day and I wanna know why.

  Griff : Well you see ma'am this is a pliant heel with a cork filling.

  Al : Where as you are a giant seal with a pork filling.

  Shirley : You haven't heard the last of this, what goes around comes around.

  Al : Well considering your orbit looks like I have but ten more years.

• Shirley : [rips coupon]  That's it!

  Peggy Bundy : Hey, that's our dinner coupons. You fat cow.

  [Shirley and the fat women are insulted] 

  Gwen : No. No. No. We don't like to be called FAT!

  Peggy Bundy : Then stay HOME!

  Al : [laughing]  You go, girl!

  [high-fives Peggy] 

• Matilda : [flashback]  I don't understand it. I was a size six before aerobics class. All the jumping must've expanded my foot.

  Al : And I see you must've fallen on your but a time or two.

  Matilda : How dare you say that to my face?

  Al : Well I'd say it behind your back, but my car's only got half a tank of gas.

  [flashback ends and Shirley doesn't look impressed by Al's fat insults] 

  Shirley : What do you say to that, Bundy?

  Al : Well I'd say I used heroic restraint much like the witness' girdle.

• Griff : But Al, you're not 62 years old.

  Al : I am when I'm being spanked by a topless birthday clown.

• Shirley : You called me a giant seal.

  Al : Well lets see, I had four elephants, I had a rhino who wanted flip flops, had a manatee, no, no I don't remember any seals. Could you jog my memory? You know what jog is. That's what you do when the ice cream truck is pulling out.

• Shirley : Bundy, we are activists.

  Al : I'd say not active enough.

• Shirley : You're not grasping the gravity of the situation, Mr. Bundy.

  Al : I think gravity has its hands full right now.

• Al : Oh come on, I didn't mean it. Haven't you ever had something slip right out of your mouth. I suppose not.

• Peggy Bundy : You should see what he's like with midgets.

  Patty : The proper term is "little people".

  Al : That's the proper term for anyone standing next to you.

• Al : Tell them about the time I let your mother come live with us, Peg.

  Peggy Bundy : Oh alright, I'll take care of this.

  [takes the stand] 

  Peggy Bundy : You cannot believe how mean he was to her!

  Shirley : So your mother is a large woman too?

  Peggy Bundy : Well you know, inside of her there's a thin woman just trying to get out.

  Shirley : We all say that.

  Peggy Bundy : No, literally. Last Thanksgiving, she ate my Aunt Edna! I warned her about standing too close to the pies.

  Matilda : That happens.

  Gwen : I lost a kindergarten class that way.

  Al : [looks to the camera, nods]  And *I'm* the one on trial.

• Al : Blubberbutt Bundy is what they used to call me.

  Shirley : Children can be so cruel.

  Al : Those were my parents!

• Shirley : Mrs. Bundy, has your husband ever shown compassion towards large women?

  Peggy Bundy : Well, he did like that big mom on 'What's Happening!', but he even made fun of her.

  Al : Traitor!

  Peggy Bundy : I'm under oath, Al!

  Al : Oath? You swore on a stack of pancakes!

• Al : You know, Peg, 8 hours staring at fat women, you... you don't look half bad.

  Peggy Bundy : Oh Al!

  Al : [turns out lights, they sink to the floor]  Oh Peg.

  Peggy Bundy : Oh Lance!

• Obese Women : [marching into the shoe store, chanting]  2, 4, 6, 8, don't make fun, of our weight! 2, 4, 6, 8, don't make fun, of our weight!

  Al : [gets up, chanting]  1, 2, 3, 4, you're gonna fall, through the floor!

• Shirley : [Gwen starts doing a striptease]  Since it's your birthday, and you love the Jiggly Room *so* much, we are bringing the Jiggly Room to you!

  Al : [blubbering]  B-bu-but, but all the *wrong* things are jiggling!