Married... with Children (TV Series)

Christmas (1992)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Al Bundy : What would you like for Christmas, little girl?

  Denise : A husband to yell at and torture.

  Al Bundy : Well, I'm sure you'll get one.

• Al Bundy : Ho, ho, ho. What do you want for Christmas, little boy?

  Matt : Well, I want an end to pollution. Let's start here!

  [the boy sprays breath spray into Al's mouth] 

  Al Bundy : Ahh! Always remember that Santa hates you.

  Matt : Yeah? What's he gonna do? Make me a shoe salesman?

• Al Bundy : This is the last year I'm working in a shoe store. A fat woman came into the store today. Wanted some shoes for a Christmas party. I told her to stand on her hands, put a star on her butt and go as the world's largest, ugliest tree. Then she has the nerve to get mad at me because she's fat.

• Al Bundy : Get him off of me. Get him off of me!

  [gets a fat boy off his lap] 

  Al Bundy : What's he want a pony for anyway, to put between two slices of bread?

• Marcy D'Arcy : Hi, Santa.

  [sniffs around] 

  Marcy D'Arcy : Did one of your reindeer make a no-no? I'm sorry. That must be the ghost of foot fungus past.

  Al Bundy : Ho, ho, ho. You don't have to tell Santa what you want for Christmas. You want a pair of breasts... just like a grown-up woman. But Santa says, be happy with what you've got: The body of a young boy.

• Al Bundy : [in his sleep]  It was all worth it. It was all worth it.

  Ray the Bartender : Wake up, buddy. It's closing time.

  Al Bundy : Oh. Oh, I was dreaming. I gave my son breasts.

  Ray the Bartender : [sarcastically]  That's a very cool dream, sir.

  Al Bundy : Well, uh... Uh, h-how much I owe you?

  Ray the Bartender : Nothing. You already paid... for everybody. Heh. You were unconscious, but I felt you wanted to pay. You being Santa and all.

  [Ray laughs, Al sarcastically laughs along, then looks at Ray's gold chain necklace which has his name engraved on it] 

  Al Bundy : And now, uh... "Ray," can we talk?

• Al Bundy : This is the last year I work at the shoe store. A fat woman came in the store today and said she wanted some shoes for a Christmas party. I told her to stand on her hands, put a star on her butt, and go as the world's largest, ugliest tree.

  Kelly Bundy : Daddy, you told us that one already. It happened 18 years ago.

  Al Bundy : No, it didn't, it happened today... I think. Oh, my God! I'm telling the same stories over and over again like... like Shelley Winters on The Tonight Show.

• Peggy Bundy : Honey, you gonna have plenty of money for gifts this Christmas. We're gonna help you out. We all got jobs.

  [Al is shocked] 

  Al Bundy : You all got jobs? Oh, man, you guys are the greatest! You got jobs? Well, what kind of jobs did you get for yourselves?

  Peggy Bundy : [chuckles]  Oh, no. Not for us. For you. Let's tell him, kids.

  Kelly Bundy : Okay. Mi-mi-mi, ha ha!

  Peggy Bundy , Kelly Bundy , Bud Bundy : [singing]  With twelve days 'til Christmas, your family got for you;

  Peggy Bundy : 12 days fruit picking;

  Bud Bundy : 11 off-ramp selling;

  Peggy Bundy : 10 toilets cleaning;

  Kelly Bundy : 9 digging graves;

  Bud Bundy : 8 snaking sewers;

  Peggy Bundy : 7 spearing rats;

  Kelly Bundy : 6 training guard dogs;

  Peggy Bundy , Kelly Bundy , Bud Bundy : 5 giving blood!

  Peggy Bundy : 4 crash-test dummying;

  Kelly Bundy : 3 jobs roach-killing;

  Bud Bundy : 2 jobs dog catching;

  Peggy Bundy , Kelly Bundy , Bud Bundy : And one job Santa-ing at the mall! Merry Christmas, Daddy!