Married... with Children (TV Series)

Cheese, Cues, and Blood (1991)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Al : Marcy, I need your advice. How can a young, attractive, not-so-bright woman like my daughter Kelly earn $1,000 in three nights?

  Marcy : Well, lets see. Either as an opening act for M.C. Hammer, or by spanking elderly gentlemen in a tight black leather dress.

  Al : Hey now, my daughter may be a lot of things, but she would never resort to professions like that.

  [Kelly enters wearing a tight black leather dress] 

  Kelly : Daddy, I'm going out now and I'll be home by dawn.

  Al : Sure, have a good time pumpkin.

  [Kelly exits] 

  Al : Now, as I was saying, if my daughter was doing something illegal or immoral, I would know about it.

  [the phone rings] 

  Al : Hello? No, Kelly's out. Sure, I'll take a message. What's that? You have the money... and you can't wait to see if she's good as the guys say she is? Huh? Uh-ah... and you'll meet here where? Uh-ah... well maybe I'll see you there.

• TV Announcer : Coming up next is the television special, "I Drink Because My Father is A Shoe Salesman".

  Al : [skyward]  Good one.

• [Al has his head propped up on two beer bottles] 

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Well Al, you're looking better. You've stopped air-guitaring "It's a Small World".

  Al : Yeah, it's the beer. Turns out, the brain doesn't need blood. Just gotta keep the brain wet. So what's going on?

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Well, we were up 5 grand, and I said we should take the money and leave, but you said "Damn a unified Germany, play on."

• Al : [delirious]  Hey now, umpire, he's got a horse in his pocket! I need a ruling!

• [Kelly needs money for her stake in a pool bet; Al zombie-walks into the bar, with gauze taped up the length of both arms] 

  Kelly : Daddy, you look so pale.

  Al : Perhaps that's because I've been running all over town, selling pints of blood to nine blood banks.

  Jefferson : Al, the human body only holds eight pints.

  Al : Well, that's what they say, but the brain hides some!

• Bud Bundy : Dad, you got a minute?

  Al : For you, Bud? Nah.

  Bud Bundy : I'm not Bud! How many times do I have to tell you? When the hat is on, I'm Streetrapper Grandmaster B! When it's off, I'm Bud. Got it? Now, the hat is on. Who am I?

  Al : Mommy's second little joke on me?

  Bud Bundy : The Grandmaster is not amused. Now listen, Dad, I need twenty bucks for a pizza. But I need you to leave it on the coffee table so I can pretend to steal it in front of the girl. 'Cause, after all, I am an outlaw.

  Al : Well, I'm sorry, Grasshopper...

  Bud Bundy : That's Grandmaster, you fool!

  Al : Gas Passer, Bass Haster, what's the difference? All right, look, it looks like I'm gonna have to communicate with you in the language of the street.

  [cups his fist to his mouth, and "raps" out a beat] 

  Al : Yo, I'm broke!

  Bud Bundy : The Grandmaster will not forget this.

• Al : [delirious]  Let's shoot pool, fat man.

• Al : [delirious]  Hey! Everything looks like noodles in here!

• Al : [delirious]  Remember, pumpkin, that the fate of not only King Charles, but of the entire Restoration, lies on this shot... this tape will self-destruct in five seconds.

  [faints] 

• [Jefferson is managing Kelly's pool-hustling; Al comes into the bar and sees him dressed like a pimp] 

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Oh, hey, Al! Man, you should see your daughter in action, she's...

  [Al seizes Jefferson by the throat and slams him down onto the pool table] 

  Al : Say goodnight, Super Fly.

  Kelly : [comes back from the bathroom]  Daddy, what are you doing here?

  Al : Stand back, Pumpkin. He's about to pop and you don't want teeth and eyes all over you.

• Al Bundy : I tried to succeed, but failure is in my blood. Guess I don't have to worry about that any more.