Married... with Children (TV Series)

Build a Better Mousetrap (1988)

Katey Sagal: Peggy Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Kelly Bundy : Dad, you cannot be serious! A mousetrap in MY room?

  Bud Bundy : The guys under the bed object, Kel?

  Kelly Bundy : Dad, it's a humiliation! What will my friends think when they see mousetraps everywhere?

  Al : Well, they'll think that unlike Mr. Bundy, the mouse gets to eat before he dies.

  Kelly Bundy : Mom, how long are we gonna have to live with this mouse?

  Peggy : Well, your father's taking care of it.

  Kelly Bundy : Oh great, might as well build him a room!

• Peggy : Is he down there? Did you get him? What happened, Al?

  Al : He doodied on the trap... and in my bowling shoes.

  Peggy : Oh, my god. He was in your shoes and he lives? This is no ordinary mouse.

  Kelly Bundy : Can we call the exterminator now?

  Al : No, no, it's personal now. Not only will I kill this mouse, I'll torture it. I'll smack him around. I'll throw it against the wall. And if there's one spark of life left in its twitching little body, I'll strap it to a chair, tape its eyelids open and make it watch thirtysomething. No one doodies in Al Bundy's shoes and lives!

• Al : I went downstairs, and I only pretended to take up all the traps. But I left one, a big one with a nice juicy piece of cheese. And this one won't go off with just a little pressure, giving him time to escape - no, this one takes the entire body of the mouse to set it off. I checked it myself.

  [holds up his bandaged left thumb and laughs heartily] 

  Peggy : You know, that's what really sets you apart, Al. An average Joe would have used a stick.

• Peggy : Al, it was horrible. It was terrible. I've never been so scared in my entire life.

  Al : What's the matter? You see the vacuum?

• Al : I'm going bowling.

  Peggy : Oh no you're not. You are not leaving this family alone until either you or the mouse is dead.

• Peggy : Kill it, Al.

  Al : Well don't worry. As soon as it sees how we live, it will go away... I know I would.

• Bud Bundy : It says right here, that mice are pretty intelligent.

  Al Bundy : Yeah, right. Look, Bud. A mouse has a brain about this big.

  [makes a space of half an inch with his fingers] 

  Al Bundy : Mine's at least twice that size!

  Peggy Bundy : Yeah, but if you only use it half as much, it becomes a fair fight again.

• Peggy : Why are you so afraid of a little mouse, anyway?

  Peggy : Well, it all started when I was five. You see, I found this little stray Chihuahua puppy in the yard. I snuck it past my mother, and I kept it in my room. I slept with it and snuggled it and kissed it and then one day it got sick.

  Al : Hmm, and still you go on kissing others.

  Peggy : Anyway, I took it to my kindergarten teacher and I said, "What's wrong with my dog?" She said, "That's not a dog, dear. It's a mouse." And then she threw up... and then all the kids threw up. And then, they made up this little song about me: "Mouse in your face, worms in your hair. Where's the little mouse girl? There, there, there."

  [Al, Bud and Kelly laugh heartily] 

  Peggy : Well, that's sweet. Thank you very much.

  Al : Well, kids, I think we learned something today. Don't touch your mother, she's got cooties.

• Peggy : Kids, I'm sorry to make such a big fuss over such a little thing like a mouse. But, you know, there are some things from childhood, you just can't forget.

  Kelly Bundy : I hope this isn't true, Mom.

  Peggy : Now, how about a hug?

  Bud Bundy : Can't, Mom. You've got cooties.

• Al Bundy : [to the exterminator]  You'll never get him.

  Peggy Bundy : Come on. He's right down here in the basement.

  [Wally goes downstairs] 

  Al Bundy : Never. Not in a million years. This is a mouse from hell. He'll never get him, Peg. A little wimp like that. The mouse'll have him for dinner.

  [Wally returns with a shoe box] 

  Wally : Well, got him.

  Al Bundy : You didn't get him. No one could get him!

  Wally : Well, "Nobody" just did. It was easy. Poor thing was trapped on a piece of wood in the rising water down there.

  Al Bundy : But... technically, I got him. I'm the one who blew up the basement. So I got him, right?

  [Wally looks at Peggy, who nods to him, suggesting they humor Al] 

  Wally : You sure did.

  Al Bundy : Ha!

• [Al is holding out a piece of cheese near a hole, waiting to hit the mouse with a hammer] 

  Kelly Bundy : I'm worried about Daddy.

  Al Bundy : Ssh!

  Bud Bundy : Mom, even if the mouse is stupid enough to stick his head out for the cheese, won't Dad smash his hand with the hammer?

  Peggy Bundy : Yes, Bud, he will. But, you know, everyone who watches Roadrunner cartoons knows the coyote is going over the cliff, but you watch it and laugh anyway.

  Al Bundy : [still waiting for the mouse]  Ah-ha!

  [Al accidentally hits his hand with the hammer] 

  Peggy Bundy : Beep, beep!

• [Al heads down to the basement with a rifle to deal with the mouse] 

  Peggy Bundy : Okay, kids, now listen to me carefully. Remember when we used to have that fire drill where we would calmly walk single file to the nearest exit?

  [Bud and Kelly nods] 

  Peggy Bundy : Well, this is no drill. Let's just get the hell out of here!