Malcolm in the Middle (TV Series)

Pilot (2000)

Jane Kaczmarek: Lois Wilkerson

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lois : They have a special program for gifted children. They have advanced textbooks and devoted teachers and all sorts of good things they don't want to waste on normal kids.

• Dewey : I don't take my legs for granted, Mom.

  Lois : I know honey, you're a good boy. Stop playing with yourself.

• Caroline Miller : Could you, you know, maybe put a top on?

  Lois : They're just boobs, lady, you see them in the mirror every morning, and I'm sure yours are a lot nicer than mine.

• Lois : There's nothing wrong with being smart. There's nothing wrong with being cut from the herd, either. It makes you the one buffalo who isn't there when the Indians run the rest of them off the cliff.

  Malcolm : Huh?

• Lois : Any kid who makes fun of you is a creepy little loser who'll end up working in a car wash.

  Malcolm : This shouldn't make me feel better. But it does.

• Lois : [on phone]  Hey, Francis. How's school?

  Francis : Oh, couldn't be better, Mom. My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday, so between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homoeroticism, I think I'm really starting to turn around.

• Lois : Look at those Parker boys across the street. They may be healthy, but, honest to God, those are the ugliest little boys ever born. They look like boiled beets, don't you think? And those Henderson kids that electrocuted their dog when they were trying to get free cable. How smart can they be? And your friend Richard.

  Malcolm : He's not ugly or dumb.

  Lois : Yes, but he's very effeminate. Just remember: any kid who makes fun of you is a creepy little loser who'll end up working it a car wash.

  Malcolm : [he looks at the camera, i.e., the audience]  This shouldn't make me feel better, but it does.

• Lois : You kids, you just take your legs for granted, you know, like nothing could ever happen to them. Well, let me tell you something: that is just wishful thinking. There's meningitis, there are car accidents, I could be giving you a spanking and accidentally snap your spinal cord. Every day is a lottery, and first prize is that you don't have to scoot yourselves around town on a skateboard with your hands. You think about that.

• Lois : I saw his mother at the grocery store, she said you boys ate lunch together.

  Malcolm : One time! He rolled his wheelchair over next to me. It's not like I could say go away.

• Malcolm : If I give up now, I won't get the lecture.

  Lois : You kids...

  Malcolm : Dang!

• Lois : Two of you can have slices of pizza for lunch, the other one can have, eh... I don't know, I think they're peas.

• Lois : It's about Malcolm.

  Malcolm : I didn't do it.

  Reese : Yes he did it, I saw him.

• Lois : Sweetie, life does not give you a lot of chances to move up, even if you deserve it. Look at your dad and me.