- Malcolm: [about Reese] Look at him.
- Dewey: Yeah. I assume you want the same deal I had with him.
- Malcolm: What are you talking about?
- Dewey: Look, Reese is as good as dead. At least on the inside. That puts you in charge. You get half my candy, full control of the remote and since I can't do your homework for you, how about a nice warm towel whenever you come out of the shower?
- Malcolm: Will you shut up? He's going to be fine.
- Dewey: Whatever you say. Sir.
- Lois: Mallory, I think we're all getting a little bit frazzled. Why don't we talk about this while we're modelling our clothes for each other at home?
- Renee: Yeah, that's really good, Mom, because by then, the buzz from her diet pills will have worn off.
- Lois: [looks at Mallory] Diet pills?
- Mallory: I have a slow metabolism, okay?
- [to Renee]
- Mallory: And I don't burn off calories having sex with a different boy every night down by the creek!
- Lois: [to Renee] I thought you were at band practice every night.
- Daisy: There is no band!
- Renee: Shut up, Flatsy Patsy. You don't know anything.
- Daisy: I know you're pregnant.
- Renee: [starts panicking] She is lying. That is ridiculous! I'm not pregnant because I know that sex is wrong, and immoral, and fun... no, wait...
- Malcolm: Seriously, Mom. Think about it. You're dragging us to a place we don't like, to buy clothes we don't care about, for money you don't want to spend, to look nice for people who hate our guts.
- Hal: [to Mallory] Here you go, sweetie. Here's the make-up you wanted.
- Mallory: Oh, thank you so much, Daddy!
- Lois: Hal, what are you doing? You said she couldn't have that.
- Hal: [while crying] Well, she asked me again, and told me that you said it would be okay after all, and you know, then she started getting all teary-eyed, and, I... I just... I...
- Lois: Mallory! How could you do that?
- Mallory: Don't worry, Mom. I won't wear it around the house. I know how desperate you are to be the prettiest.